HUG...I cannot ask for this. My fear of rejection is definitely part of it. However, the greater truth lies in the emotional implications...how I feel when I think about the word.
In my family of birth, if I needed or wanted affection...there was a heavy price to pay. With my father, affection meant abuse. With my mother...it was like I had to pretend to care for her and accept her denial, to get affection. I kinda had to sell myself out in order to get a h.u.g. Still can't say it.
Hurts too much. Rejection is like being slammed in the solar plexus with a closed fist and pummeled into a brick wall. I'm very sensitive and I know it. I avoid the pain of rejection by not asking...even when I deeply need.
Thank God my doctor knew the universal symbol for hug! In my mind, that experience of being held as I cried uncontrollable the day Eldest was arrested was one of those cherished Hallmark moments. A memory I cherish...who would have thought?
Anyway, both my sons and I freely use the open arm gesture as both an asking and an offering.
I don't know...seems like I should work through the issues of my emotional, unspeakable words, one at a time, as each offers an opportunity to heal and learn.
It's even very difficult to write about...but it's a start.
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