Pretty Good

I'm feeling quite a bit better.
Very busy with a variety of projects, along with errands and appointments. Rarely do I get a couple hours of pure, soft nothingness to fall and get lost in.

I'm enjoying dictionaries, words and phrases. I started a couple Facebook pages....Idioms Explained and Obscure Word of the Day. Please check them out and "like" if you feel so inclined. Idioms are challenging to understand, so I study one at a time and write a synapse. I love learning and expanding knowledge.

We had to put our 17 yr old, sick cat to the sleep of death, yesterday. It was hard. Can't say more than that at this point in time.

I've been enjoying...oh, what's that called again?....Oh, yeah, Spring! Eldest and I love going for one to two hour walks most everyday. I continued to be awestruck by how wonderful and fabulous it is to have him home again. :) Every day there is joy.

More fun...one of my passions is plants. Eldest and I ventured out of town and I must have bought close to twenty of them. I've been busily planting terrariums and replanting to my hearts content. I adore plants and can never have enough of them.

Couldn't sleep last night, so I'm exhausted. Just wanted to share.
Peace out:)

The pain has left

I can't explain it...not one single bit, but today I awoke and my nasty neck pain, which has plagued and hurt me so for the past two weeks...has gone.
My neck has a very subtle, most minor ache to it, but overall, I feel fantastic.
My only guess would be that I had pinched a nerve and it is now unpinched. I can't tell you how surprised and downright happy I am:) The anti-inflammatories, muscle relaxants and pain killers, that I had been relying on to just get through each hour, were not needed today.
I awoke clear headed and full of ideas and goals. There are definitely milestones I want to and will accomplish.
Somehow, some way, by the powers that be, I have turned over a new leaf....and it is bright green, shiny and exciting:)

The Truth About Amy

Sometimes I worry that if I died tomorrow, no one will know that I have lived

In this meager lifetime, I started surrounded by people...parents, siblings, aunts, cousins, family. You wouldn't know it to look at me, but for I come from a large family with nine siblings and six aunts and uncles on each side of the fence.
Now look at me....they are all gone and have been for quite sometime.
I'm not sure how connected I was to any one. I mean, you're supposed to have this unbreakable "bond" with those you grow up with, along with this "respect" and "love" for the parents that raised you. I have neither. They were simply people I shared the same house and certain experiences with, now long past.
I don't know them. Estrangement is a most fitting word. They are strangers, faded memories and hollow ghosts.
I do not now, nor have I ever, really, honored and loved my parents. They were cruel, tormented, empty shells that agreed to beat, neglect and rape me. Parents, good, healthy parents aren't like that. Mom and Dad were my keepers, my tormentors. I have no love or respect for them, as well it should be.
Aunts and uncles have fallen by the wayside. My autistic nature hinders constant contact and attendance at social events.  Some believe the rumors of the incest mill, others deny and call me names. No matter.
I have always been a universe onto my self. Just some days it's a bother.
I was just looking at my position in space and time....comparing the present to the past. Has anything changed, really?

Introspective an A. M. Murphy original, marker on paper

One Wild Knight by A.M. Murphy

Pretty sick

Well, the MRI showed some issues with a couple vertebra. Not sure if this can be corrected non-surgically or not. All I know is that I'm veryvery uncomfortable and cannot continue to live like this. I welcome relief in whatever form it appears.
It's been a longstanding problem, me and my neck. I can look back over ten years and now see the weakness and dysfunction on the one side around the aforementioned discs.
Had the MRI last week. It can be a bit scary due to the vibrating, noisy table. I had earphones on with music from the eighties, then realized the 80s wasn't so great, so I had it switched to modern. I found comfort in memories, touch memories of either a hug from a friend or the warmth of a hand. I didn't find a calm scene or soothing words I had heard to be of any use...I need a tactile memory for calm and relief. Just found that really interesting.
Acupuncture helped tremendously, for a few days. If I'd had the foresight I would have scheduled another appointment toot sweet.
I'm anxiously awaiting the call from the neurosurgeons office to get an appointment. He be the man to explain what's going on and options for fixing it. Until then, I'm staying as calm and relaxed as possible, realizing whatever is to be, is to be. I needent worry or fear, this is just my path.
I have figured out that my injury/ illness is not my fault. I did nothing wrong nor did I do anything to bring it on. It simply is what it is. Therapy Has been working wonders.
My family has been quite supportive. I am grateful for their love and support. My friends have been stellar....a couple life-savers among them.
I had to cancel a proposed talk on autism that I was looking forward to. My neck just isn't assured of feeling well enough to talk or gesture. I'm bummed about that. I debated it with intensity and regret, but I just have zero guarantee I would be well enough. Hopefully, the opportunity will present itself again when I am well.
My Eldest is doing very well!! I am so happy to see him in my house, to smell him, to hug him and sit for hours holding his hand:) He is adjusting with relative ease.
My little guy is full of Spring energy. Poor guy has been stuck indoors most of the week due to rainy,cold weather.


I've been coloring. It's actually kinda new as I rarely, if ever, colored as a child or as an adult. My main medium has always been paint. Now, as I'm confined to the couch and with limited movement, I've been enlisting my Sharpie markers. It is such a stress reliever. I've actually been enjoying myself:)
Well, if you don't hear from me for a bit, maybe I'm busy having surgery and getting better.
Don't give up on me....never give up:)

Feeling Better

I saw my doctor today, so I am feeling better. She assures me I have pharyngitis, a middle part of the throat, infection which is causing the swelling. The medications are working so I am more comfortable. The X-ray showed other issues which may require surgery in the future, but for now, I'm good!
Doc talked about how my stress always attacks my neck and chest. After hearing about all the changes in my life, even the positive ones, she mentioned that I was more susceptible to coming down with something. She highly recommended a massage, so I put a call in to my massage therapist friend to see if I can get an appt.
It was really good to be able to see her and talk with her. She understands me and she listens extremely well. Everyone should be as blessed as I, to have such a caring, compassionate medical provider.:)
Just wanted to share some Good, Positive Stuff!!!
Have a wonderful day!

Just getting by

It's been quite a rough week. My friends death has promoted me to feel a new, deep level of grief. Every time I think of him, I burst into tears. I know it will get better...at some point.
I've felt physically ill all week. Emergency room visit, doctor appointments and medication, but no clear answer on what is wrong or if it can be fixed.
I recognize that a large part of my problem is the lack of face to face contact and chatter with someone trusted. A friend that I can share and express emotion with. Just today, I realized that, save my hourly therapist session, I haven't really communicated with another adult in a free manner. I had forgotten how much I miss having a trusted friend. My life would get undeniably easier if I just had someone to talk with for an hour or two a week. And it's oft the hardest thing in the world...to find a friend. And yet, I need it so damn desperately.


I feel helpless, in many ways. Like I'm laying in the road being run over repeatedly. Like everytime I start to get up, here comes another truck.
I feel trapped...within my self, my autism, my grief.
The activities of functionality for my family has kept me busier than I could have imagined. My days are much more filled and chaotic than they gave been.
I need to find time to unwind, destress and process....just can't find the time.
I stand in the corner, beating my fists against the wall in frustration.

The Boy in the Closet

....died.


It's a long story. Not really long in length so much as it happened a long time ago. It may be very hard to comprehend. Lord knows its a bear to even write about...but it's a story that needs to be told.
When I was seven, my dad had already started sexually abusing me. He wasn't the only adult male. And I was not the only child.
I'll spare some of the details. The important part is that on one ocassion, I was locked in a closet with another little boy my age. For some reason, the abuse didn't feel so bad because it was shared. He and I both, experienced the confusing, painful terror.
There were times we huddled together out of fear and seeking warmth. I tried to protect him, he tried to comfort me. I remembering looking at him when he had fallen asleep in the corner. I didn't feel so alone, even as he slept. I actually kinda envied him.
He is sleeping again, now, in heaven.
I'm upset he and I didn't get the chance, as adults, to talk about and process what happened back then.
It's like two soldiers in the same war...we would have understood exactly how the other felt. We could have shared. There would have been more validation of the experience and our emotions. We could have shared the nightmare in the day.
I grieve more for his loss than for my own father. This boy was worth it. I feel an egregious loss.
I am forever grateful to have had him at my side for those hours.
I love the boy in the closet. My heart just breaks.