Just getting by

It's been quite a rough week. My friends death has promoted me to feel a new, deep level of grief. Every time I think of him, I burst into tears. I know it will get better...at some point.
I've felt physically ill all week. Emergency room visit, doctor appointments and medication, but no clear answer on what is wrong or if it can be fixed.
I recognize that a large part of my problem is the lack of face to face contact and chatter with someone trusted. A friend that I can share and express emotion with. Just today, I realized that, save my hourly therapist session, I haven't really communicated with another adult in a free manner. I had forgotten how much I miss having a trusted friend. My life would get undeniably easier if I just had someone to talk with for an hour or two a week. And it's oft the hardest thing in the world...to find a friend. And yet, I need it so damn desperately.


I feel helpless, in many ways. Like I'm laying in the road being run over repeatedly. Like everytime I start to get up, here comes another truck.
I feel trapped...within my self, my autism, my grief.
The activities of functionality for my family has kept me busier than I could have imagined. My days are much more filled and chaotic than they gave been.
I need to find time to unwind, destress and process....just can't find the time.
I stand in the corner, beating my fists against the wall in frustration.