New Musings

I started physical therapy, PT, last week. The best part about it was that I got along with the therapist. The personal relationship tends to determine my success, where therapy and tasks are concerned. My neck pain diminished Greatly. I continue with some self-directed exercises. They worked for almost a week, but now I'm having some issues. Later this week, at my next PT, we will have to do some tweaking of the regiment. My use of pain meds is down considerably! I'm less crabby and irritable. My flexibility is improved, most days. My PT explained my issues and I actually have hope for the first time, that I an improve mobility and strength!
  My regular psychotherapy continues to progress. I'm feeling more stable, less anxious, started to trust myself more and maybe feeling a bit like trying this trust thing with others. I continue to have flashbacks with somatic/ physical symptoms. Last week I had uncontrollable, intense hunger for days and I didn't know why. During therapy, I discovered that my dad used to ....TRIGGER Alert!!!!! force me into performing sex acts with another child. And he would pay me in candy And often require me to do these acts when I was starving, thus I would be more inclined to do exactly what he wanted. It was a perpetrators tool. He used my hunger, with food as a reward to get me to do foul things that went completely against my nature. Once I was able to talk to my therapist about it, the unrelenting hunger went away.
 I can't decide whether I envy the other children my dad sexually abused, you know, the ones that have "forgotten", denied and surpressed ther memories of the abuse. I know who they are. I was there. Yet, I'm the only one remembering, dealing and openly talking about it. Yes, it would be nice having validation....but I have to respect where other victims are in their lives, recovery and reality. Maybe acknowledging the truth would be too devastating for them to handle. I cannot judge them.  I'm only responsible for my own healing and helping others who are speaking out and dealing.


 I adore my therapist. I really do. It isn't often I find someone that I can work with so closely, intimately, sharing my deepest, darkest pain. The past two months have been a living hell of dredging and emoting, violently, intensly, a plethora of long-held, hidden secrets and pain. I'm starting to feel some relief, some benefit, from the work I've been doing with her and within myself.
  I keep surprising myself by making good, healthy, spontaneous decisions. I'm starting to honor, like and respect myself. I'm learning to have fun and what fun is. Fun is a heart spark. I actually feel it, nowadays. Previously, I would engage in activities and things that I enjoyed, but being chock full of anxiety robbed me of the ability to actually feel good, to feel light-hearted and fun. In a sense, and I know this must sound strange, I am just now learning to have fun. I'm figuring out what anuses me and what makes me happy. Oh, another new feeling word in my vocabulary. I'm having moments where I actually feel happy. Happy is like a heart smile.
 I'm so grateful for my family. I see them as such wonderful, loving people in my life. I'm starting to feel less defensive, letting down some walls, getting out of my tornadic, enclosed chaos and seeing their beauty and love. I think I'm becoming more conscientious of their needs and I'm working on bettering relationships with each family member.
 I'm starting to be less afraid of saying what I feel. It's baby steps because I still feel quite naked and vulnerable without armor. So I do try and take it slow.
  I've been working, playing really, on my art again. It bothers me that everyone does not know I am an artist. I need to change that. Art is a big, visual, intergal part of who I am. It's part of my identity that I allow others to see. Must work more on getting my art out there.


  I'm reading again! I find that I am especially drawn to historical fiction. I recently stumbled upon "Seed of Mischief" by Willa Gibbs. It's exciting, enthralling. What a gem! I'm having a hard time putting it down. Beautifully written. Another new thing for me, enjoying a good book and having the patience and focus to sit and read!
 Lots of positives! Just wanted to share:)
Be well
Be happy

Selective Mutism in Adults

Three Remarkable Acts....Part One

Remarkable: worthy of being or likely to be noticed especially as being uncommon or extraordinary




I am guilty of three remarkable acts this past week. Each day, since Monday, it seemed that the spinning roulette wheel changed, ever so slightly. I grew a few centimeters, parameters expanded and nothing was as it had been the day before. I found myself doing and saying things that felt completely natural...and were enormously odd.
 The first incident in which I realized that I had changed, was as I sat in the waiting room of the local mental health center, waiting for my son to exit his therapy session. There are two waiting rooms. The first, much larger one, seemed overwhelming with people, voices, the blaring television and the banter and interaction of too many bodies. I excused myself and sought out the small, more private waiting area. At first I hesitated, as there was someone nervously pacing in the room. I froze for a minute, weighing my options, then walked in to the smaller room.
 The anxious woman sat down, puffing a water-vapor cigarette, bouncing this leg and that. I proceeded to ignore her, to shut out all extraneous stimuli, pretending to be non-existent, I played a game on my phone. For a minute, my mind contemplated....do I continue to ignore this poor, troubled woman? Do I continue to be actively engrossed in the surreal and safe world of gaming? Or, do I take a chance, make a strange step in a virginal direction, and engage, talk to this human?
 I turned off my phone and asked her what she thought of the weather. I let down my walls, opened my ears and eyes...I may have even smiled a bit, at this complete stranger who occupied this space and time continuum with me. Normally, my usual reaction would have been to be afraid and guarded, even nary a month ago, I never would have allowed the shields to go down. But, it felt okay to do.
 We exchanged pleasantries, simple questions with mundane answers. Then I delicately pried further and she told me her story. She had troubles, big troubles, with medication and sanity. It was quite clear to me, that she was very much alone in the world. I get that. I understood her and where she was at, so I listened more intently, smiled more broadly, and offered positive encouragement.
 She continued to pace, at times, but the rapid movements didn't faze or scare me, as was my usual fare. The convesation lulled, hushed. Out of nowhere I asked her if she wanted a hug. No sooner had I stood, then this unknown, hurting being rushed into my open arms. I said whatever came into my head. "You are a good person. You're a wonderful person. Everything is going to be alright," I said aloud as I hugged her and gently rubbed her back. She cried.
 I can only imagine the months,the years, since anyone had genuinely, safely hugged her, wanting nothing in return.
 After a bit, she moved away and extended her hand, introducing herself formally. I took her hand warmly and did the same. I could see her tears of happiness. I felt very warm inside. Shortly thereafter, someone came in the room and ushered her to her appointment.
 I was grateful for such an opportunity, to make someone feel good, better about themselves and their current situation. I marveled at whatever caring force within me had changed in the past week.
I'm not who I used to be.
  That's a lot of info to process. I'll touch on the other two events later.
Be well. Take the opportunity to be kind whenever possible.

Underneath poetry

Underneath......Poetry

I am layered and faceted
Covered in veils and dust
Hidden deep within
The cavern of my self
Not sure I'd recognize
Who I really am
Afraid
To show, to see
To let on

I am wool and blankets
Armor and steel
Running water
Hot, cold, steaming, still
Who am I really
Scared
To reach out, touch
Show you me

I am temperance and rage
The bullied and the beast
Howling pain
What I feel
Forlorn
Hurt and alone
True

I am lost
Somewhere
Deep within
Beneath layer of rock, mortar and whim

 I am a mirror that repels
I am the truth that hurts and reminds
Killing denial sharply to the bone

I am the wisdom
You dare not seek
I am the nightmare
That walks in daylight
 Look away
Look away

I hide from myself
I hide from you
 I hide from masses
I am unlike you

I'm not who you think
Imagine or cajole

I wear an honest shirt
Under shields of grey

My past lives within
Seeking an open door
A cracked window
Putty that has come loose

My shackles bind
The ropes entwined
Weights of doubt
Drown and submerged

The table is set
No one comes to feast
Only observe
The linen
Stained
The bread
Stale
The wine
Spilt

Alone
In the house
Walls echo
Weep and bleed

The clock frozen
Upon
Her face
Arms and chest

Floors creak
Unable to bear
The weight
Of the silence
Of her years

The sofa unsat
A bed unmade
Slippers unused
The bathrobe hangs
On the floor

Untouched
Untethered
What's the difference
Tween a rock
And a soft place

White snowflakes
Hiding mounds of dirt
Break the shovel
Look away
Search not
Accept that the mountain
Will not yield
Undeserving of contemplation
Or to be climbed
Removed
Or melted

She wept
As the snow piled high
Caved in
From the sun

Gift Giving and Everyday Life

I miss having family and friends to give gifts to. No longer do I attend family holidays, birthdays, weddingsm graduations and get togethers. I miss giving gifts. I enjoy making things for people and sharing my creativity and resources. I like the smile on a gift receivers face. I like making people smile and happy with just a small, thoughtful surprise. I missed the whole gift giving experience and everything that it entailed and meant to me. So, I found a valid substitute. I discovered a way to give unconditional gifts to people I know, acquainted with, admire and like.
 I started a face book campaign. I notified all my fb friends that at some point this year, when they least expect it and for no specific reason, I will send them each a small gift. Yesterday, I just felt really bad. Oh, it was a long, trying day marked with pain, tears and revelations. I figured it was the perfect day to start gift giving. So I stopped at the flower store and ordered a very small, brightly colerd arrangement to be delivered to a fb friend in town. Sure enough, I felt better almost immediately. Giving, brightening someone's day, makes me feel good about myself and lifts my spirits. If you get right down to it, its almost selfish in that I benefit greatly by giving.
  I've already got plans for another friend gift tomorrow, in addition to having two semi-concrete ideas of gifts I can make. I'm excited. I have purpose. I'm reaching out and saying, "I like you" to people on the periphery of my life. I travel no social circles outside of online interactions.
I'm happy I started this gift project. It engages my mind and helps me feel....well, somewhat connected.
 Other news, I've been quite busy with multiple appointments this week. I prefer one appointment due to the stress they cause, but this week is mostly days of duets, two appointments or have-to-dos each at. Yesterday it was my family doctor in the morning, a visit to the medical supply store and afternoon therapy. Today, I drove my son to the bus, mailed a package at the post office, picked up needed supples from the craft store and had to exchange meds at the Kmart because they filled my prescription wrong.
 I received my new, soft, neck/ cervical collar. Boy, I'm really liking the feel of support and gentle traction for my beleaguered neck. Hoping it will assist me in getting some decent, pain free sleep. I heard from the local physical therapy department. Later this week I go for an hour and a half assessment. I'm optimist the phsical therapy will help me keep and maybe gain some arm and upper body strength. My arms are weak from months of non-use to my neck issues.
 With my neck collar on today, I was actually able to send ten-fifteen minutes working on my art! Creating is another important aspect of my life that makes me feel good inside and out. Hmmmm, I keep writing about words like "happy, like, enjoy"...that's kinda new. I like it.
 So, more appointments this week. My neck s feeling better with the collar and meds. Both appointments with my doctor and therapist went very well. I'm getting a positive kick from my gift campaign and art....seems a lot of pretty darn positive things are going on. My mood is shifting and lifting.
 Just had to share some good good stuff!
 Be well:)

Creating a Moral Society

I've often thought that in an effort to lower prison population, make a dent in alcohol and substance abuse, reduce the numbers of rape and childhoods abuse, that every child, every year, every day, should take a class at school entitled "Morals and Ethics, What is Right and What is Wrong."
Unfortunately, many children grow up with no knowledge of what is right or wrong. When mommy drinks herself to oblivion every night, when dad beats the kids and cheats on his taxes, when uncle John brags about his time in jail, children receive mixed messages. They can't see through the fog of family dysfunction enough to know how to behave or be a good citizen. They don't learn how to humanely treat themselves, other people or even animals.
Children learn what they experience. When there are no positive role models or good behavior to be found, children grow up imitating their parents, whether bad, ugly or indifferent.
Parochial and Christian schools have always been a huge step ahead, in that they teach kids right from wrong and the Golden Rule. They call those daily classes "Religion", but they are so much more than just learning about God. Students learn that somebody, some Deity actually loves them. They learn how to treat one another. They learn to find value in themselves and learn tools to become caring adults.
Our public schools, our dedicated teachers are horribly overburdened, but I can't help but wonder if one hour a day of morals and ethics would be worth shortening Math and English class. Teachers are already role models just by their daily presence in our children's life. How many of us can easily remember a teacher we idolized or thought highly of, to this day, because of their compassion and wisdom, their humor or the way they helped us?


Don't get me wrong, in a perfect society each parent would instill good and appropriate virtues in their own children. It should not fall onto schools to teach right from wrong....but I truly believe that it is the only possible way that we can change society from the bottom up. In a perfect world kindness and positive role models would abound.
This is nothing but a pipe dream post. I know families who do nothing but repeat cycles of violence, substance abuse and criminality. These children have little hope of ever breaking free.
I know many teachers whom I admire for their patience, knowledge and values. They are all underpaid, overworked and some of the most caring professionals that I have ever met. I have great admiration for teachers. The burden of teaching morals and values should not fall onto their already burgeoning shoulders. It should fall onto parents, extended families, churches and youth groups...in a perfect world.
I am grasping at straws. I see the moral decay. I read about people that think it's okay to lie, cheat, steal, hit, rape because it is all they knew at home.
I fantasize about solutions. I dream that I can make the world, or at least my little corner of it, a better, kinder place.
I know....it's just a dream.
My crazed, optimistic, impossible solution to what plagues us.


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

I Reclaim My Rights

Loving Myself through Illness

Amy's Aspergers Friendship Formula

Dealing with Cervical Stenosis, Neck Pain

Back about six months ago, I had some serious neck pain and swelling. X-rays and MRIs determined that I have cervical spinal stenosis. It's a rather chronic condition which has good days and bad days. It will probably get progressively worse, to the point that I will need surgery. I have been dealing with a recent flare-up these past few days. I lose the ability to use my arms and move my neck. I become fairly immobile.
 I've been trying acupuncture, anti-inflammatories, pain meds, ice and rest with limited success. I don't relish being high and doped up on drugs. Time to get more proactive. I've made an appointment with my family doctor for early next week. I want her to refer me to a specialist. From what I've read, physical therapy and possibly a neck support collar may help. I'll also contact my  massage therapist for cranio sacral work and massage. I will schedule more acupuncture, as funds permit.
 I'm starting to get very concerned about losing muscle strength in my arms. I really enjoy using my arms and hands.
 Currently, I can sit around with my iPad and read books. I haven't been able to shower in days. Im unable to lift my arms above my head or even to tilt my head upwards. I want to do things, but I have to honor where my body is at. My boys are learning to take direction, as they have to lift and move everything , from clothes to pots, pans and plates. I can still feed myself...Yay!
 Anyway, cervical spinal stenosis is another one of those invisible ailments. I look healthy from the outside, but I walk and move stiffly. I'm just sayin'