Old Ideas, New Ideas, the raging war

*Trigger Alert Subject Matter*
So, it appears I'm battling old ideas. The ideas and thoughts that I'm a bad person, that my body is bad or covered in filth, that I'm bad because I was trained, forced and threatened into lying about the abuse to protect dad or mom, that doors closed behind me mean I will be raped or trapped, that it's wrong or useless to ask for help. Hmmmm...tall order.
 Naw, just becoming aware of how manipulated I had been....how used and tormented mentally, emotionally and physically. My poor body, how it suffered so, how it wept and cried but no one heard...forced to internalize the hurt, pain and confusion.
Feeling bad. I felt bad, sick to my stomach, nauseous, headachy A Lot as a kid.
I've been remembering some of the ....sheer frequency of incest And beatings from my mother. Trembling inside. Afraid of her voice, her presence, feeling trapped, unable to run and hide.
And remembering my dad and how, it that small 3-4 bedroom house, with six to nine children, always managed to get me a room, makeshift or just a bed, to myself for his abuses.


There was no place safe. Always trapped into places, forced to pretend to enjoy doing things that thoroughly disgusted me thru and thru.
It's a war, between the old, trained into ideas..........that..no one wanted or was willing..or dared to try and help me. They, parents, made me feel like I was crazy, invisible and a complete tool.
It saddens me to....see and comprehend how vigorously they intentionally wanted and worked to destroy me. They never wanted me to experience what they never had....happiness, love, security, safety, someone that gave a shit. They projected all their hate and venom into innocent victims.
See, my body isn't bad....it's just struggling to release all that old shit. To throw off the perversion.
I'm working on this....on all this. Coming clean. Letting go of the toxic thoughts. I may not look like it, but I'm working hard here.
At least we are in this war together. We have people on our side, now. I'm surrounded by safe and caring support. That's new....but I can get used to that.


It's hard to trust when your hand has been slapped every single time I held it out.
It's hard to trust when you can...or used to feel such overwhelming hatred and disgust whenever a parent walked in the room. Because it almost always was to hurt or take advantage of me. Pain was the name of That game.
People around me now, get this....they don't want to hurt me!? How weird is that? Working on that being okay.
Therapy made me think a lot today. Thought I'd write it out before it got lost in the mist.
Be well. Thanks for reading

Feeling poorly, Lyme again, still whatever

No, I'm not happy. I ran out of antibiotics last month, and the Lyme symptoms all returned. I'm sad. I hurt. The Lyme arthritis attacked my knees last year. This summer, my hands and especially thumbs. Poor thumbs hurt and don't want to work. They feel worse when I do anything with them , like writing, dressing, stirring, picking things up.
 So I've only been back on meds a few days.....not long enough to slow this bug down yet. I tried going for a short walk yesterday, but my legs felt like lead. I was exhausted the rest of the evening.
 Feel a little useless and bewildered. There are lots of things going on, right now, that I need to handle.
The boys and their appointments. I have some work to do for my disability exam next week. Calls to be made, letters mailed. I have to straighten out some medical bills with my insurance company. Stuff that just stresses and befuddles me. I don't shirk from my responsibilities. Little things just can be very difficult to do, even when I'm feeling healthy.
 Still dealing with this underlying sadness that comes out of nowhere at unexpected times.


 Argh, I'm sooo tired but cannot sleep. I try and amuse myself as best I can without any physical  exertion.
I've been reading a lot more. A book, science mags and newspapers. The less tv, the better and calmer I feel. Seems I get agitated and crabby much easier. I attribute that to not feeling well. Sigh.
 I'm gonna look into some herbs and detox treatments ive read about. Also, changing up my diet to include more water, fresh fruits and veggies. Already changing over to that. It can only help:)
 I don't like talking about my aches and pains. Hmmmm. Maybe I think of that as one of those taboos, you know, talking  about how I physically feel. I'm not used to it. Not used to anyone really asking, giving a shit or wanting to help.


 See, it never really mattered, growing up, how I felt. No one believed me or did anything to help me when I was sick. That's messed up. I can't imagine momma me ever not caring or helping one of my kids if they were ill. I'd do everything I could for them.
Can't rest yet, tonight. Hands and arms hurting and uncomfortable, restless but tired.
Just thought I'd share. I'll let you know when I start feeling better, any ay now:)

Some Things Aren't Worth Saying

Standing in the desert. The sun...beating. The wind....cutting. Palms open, out, empty, caressing dust.
Her long pony hair.....whips. Her eyes dull with oppression. The plain....stretches...out...forever. She turns, slowly she turns......and she is alone.
 I don't know if it's the loneliness or the feeling that no one cares. The door knocker frozen in place.
Maybe it's because I haven't had a 5 minute conversation with anyone other than my house....and therapist....in three to four weeks. It builds...the need to talk, communicate and share. Till it hits the wall that cries.
 Awfully wet these days. Sometimes it rains without a cloud. Her language turns to her own. Thoughts simmer, down, down, down. The verbal processing plant runs out of fuel, forgets how to work. The lights dim.
Turn outward, turned in.
Isolation is only a problem based on duration and desire.
I don't want this to be worth smoot.
Whining is complaining on deaf ears and with futility. Let's talk about loneliness. Let's not. Why? To what end and purpose. Matters not that which will not change.
I will always be fairy friendless. Matters not whether it agrees with me or not. I cannt change this facet to collect anymore light.
I stand on the pinnacle...seeing what has fallen away. The air is thin, but quiet.

The desert is dry. She rains

Confusion, Getting Lost in Buildings

Today was truly a day of great confusion. My calendar was full of places and tasks. It feels like I ran from sunup to sundown.
Too many activities in too many places.

I visited my doctor. I had been feeling sickly, so it was time to see her. I have chronic Lyme disease....but, it can be controlled with daily medication. Not eradicated, but controlled enough so that I can function, and sleep, and the headaches, aches and overwhelming exhaustion will stop.
 My dr. moved to a new office. I had sat in the waiting room so often for one son or the other, that I completely forgot that I had never been back in an exam room. And the old nurse with whom I was familiar with, was gone and replaced by a stranger in a smock. Yikes. This strange nurse led me through the new office hallways, door, down this way and left that way. We ended up, in a much too small room, and got acquainted.
 I was stymied. I felt lost. I didn't know her tactics or what her small talk might entail. Wasn't sure the order of her formula for taking vitals or history. Everything was amiss....and I was trapped....sure that I could Not find my way out alone.

 It was great to see my dr. I hadn't seen her in months, so right away, I had to get a reassuring hug. We talked. I have the bestest health care provider. She listens, knows my background and history and really tries to understand what I'm trying to say. She can read between my lines. We decided on the best course of treatment.
Time to leave. I had to follow her down the hall, as best I could. My innate urge, which I repressed, was to grab onto her shirttail amidst the dizzying doorways and bright lights, for security. Whew, we made it to the final door. Definitely time for another big hug:)
 Task one done. And I was chock full of anxiety.
My next big venture was LittleGuys therapy appointment. I had met his therapist and Her new office labyrinth last week. I, again or still, felt very lost in ths almost new office maze. I've never had a child in therapy, so I have no idea what my role is. Do I sit in this corner and offer and say nothing? Do I speak when spoken to? Comments? Observe closely or dispassionately?
 It was a hot and stuffy room....but at least a little bigger than that exam room. I felt like such a dweeby dufus. I was completely uncomfortable and totally out-of-sorts...whatever that means. Arrgghhhhh.
Thankfully, that hour ended as well. I was still in one piece with no obvious wounds, save the bewilderment in my eyes and the head spinning that no one could see, or feel, but me.


 There was more to the day but I just can't handle reliving it in words.
 I feel very much like a single parent working double-time.
 Speaking of confusion. Therapy has been going reallyreally well. This week we managed to reach and release an almost fifty year old wound. Think about that. I have carried an incident of overwhelming pain, encapsulated in an almost cyst-like part of me. It had always irritated me but I could never reach it...till this week. Yeah, I feel lighter and...really different. Progress.
 Anyway, the confusing part....when its time to leave, my therapist doesn't stand up first Or at the same time I do. I have to do it first? Very confusing as social protical dictates that when in someone else's house, residence or office, the host standing is the social indicator telling This Aspie brain, it's time to leave. Therapist sitting down makes me feel that...well, maybe time isn't up? Or, I'm doing something wrong and wanting to leave too early? It floods my brain in confusion. I don't get it. It irritates me and screws with my protocol of words= action and if I can't understand the words observe, watch and follow.


 I don't think she has always done this. Not sure because...I'm not always the one to leave, but usually. Arrrggghhhhh. Why can't things be simpler and straightforward. If it has always worked, why break it? Is this a courtesy or new polite thingy? I don't understand and I sure as hell do not like, need, crave or desire Any more confusion.
 Change is a challenge.
I'm just saying.
Whew, this day is almost done. I can hardly wait for a drug induced calming slumber.

Female Aspergers Syndrome Traits 2 Section B

The second section of the video is Section B: Innocent
Right from the start, I want to say that I feel vulnerable writing and sharing this info. Whilst a lot of it Is definitely true, I feel a bit overexposed. Thus, to alleviate my anxiety, I will only comment with personal info on the items I feel comfortable.
1) Naive
Argh...it is tough to admit and I've gotten less so, as I've matured. To me, naive is dangerous because people take advantage of the naive. It's great to have a child-like innocence, just don't hang with predators.
2) Honest
Very True. And might I add, honest to a fault and also to ones owns detriment at times? Honesty Is one of the Many very Positive Traits of being Aspie!!!!
3) Experiences trouble lying
My Eldest Aspie son didn't learn to lie until he was ten. My NT LittleGuy figured out lying at four. And the LittleGuy is very good at it.
4) Finds it difficult to understand manipulation and disloyalty
5) Finds it difficult to understand vindictive behavior and retaliation

6) Easily fooled and conned
....leading to constant fear of embarrassment, unfortunately. I think this contributes to my complete dislike....nah, hatred, of April Fools day and any and all pranks.
7) Feelings of confusion and being overwhelmed
Sigh, I think I have always lived in a fog of confusion.


8) Feelings of being misplaced and/ or from another planet
Hence, the name of my blog. I frequently feel like an alien, stranger in a strange land, visitor from another planet...that I'm a different species...that the Mothership dropped me here, by accident and may never return.

9) Feelings of isolation
Frequently. An island in the middle of a vast ocean.
10) Abused or taken advantage of as a child but didn't think to tell anyone
True

More later:)

Feeling Freedom, Releasing the Constrictive Yoke of Social Norms

After writing that last post, I feel freedom. I continue to break social norms. Telling the truth about the dead and evil. After a perpetrator dies is often the only time a child abuse survivor Can talk about the incest and abuses.
That's one reason newspapers and magazines won't publish stories of "alleged" incest....fear of lawsuit from sexual predators who lurk in the deep, sometimes with deep pockets and lawyers. Scum.
I've very much enjoyed the past few days. Just being me. Feeling my body from the inside and freedom from nightmares and memories. I can sense a couple directions/ projects that I want to work on. The creative room in my mind, is stirring after long unuse. The dust bunnies are starting to run.

I've found a new food, that is direct from all the gods that are good. Glutinos Macaroni and Cheese. I simply adore it. I'd eat it everyday if it wasn't 5$ a box. Six minutes in the microwave, sometimes with a Nathan's hot dog thrown in, and I'm in heaven!
I had a couple of meetings with new people last week and both went really well. I have my youngest enrolled with a child therapist now! Can we all say "Yeah!" I was surprised that I liked her right away. She is very open, talks with her hands and has a gentle, but intelligent personality. I'm gonna be seeing a lot of this therapist, as little guy and I will be "in session" every week. Lots to work on.

Funny, when Little Guy LG therapist, LGT, asked if there was any issue that would make therapy....difficult (not the right word, but it will do)...I said, "Yeah, his biggest hindrance is having an autistic mother:)" I didn't add the DID, just didn't seem like the time.
I've been thinking....there are definitely some positives to having no one but a nuclear family of four. I'm not "obligated" to partake of the painful social customs of weddings, birthdays, confirmations, parties. I do Not miss the unbearable stress of talking with others and trying to fit in, where I don't belong or care to belong.
I answer to no one. I bow and cajole to no one. I adore that I am free from so much stress and hurt. Few have a clue as to the amount of put upon crap I've been forced to deal with.
It amazes me that I'm This functional after having been dealt so much to deal with. I truly am a wonder and a marvel and a survivor:)
It's hard having so much of my life that I cannot share with others. Unpleasantries and unimaginable horrors are not table talk. Few can handle even just the words, of real experiences I dealt with.
In Aspergers, I am only truly myself when alone. Being a survivor, the only way I heal is through talk. It's just what it is.
If you take nothing else from this post, understand this...I am a truly remarkable, beauteous Wonder!

The Face of Evil, Incest, My Dads Obituary

*Light Trigger Warning....nothing graphic...subject matter*
I've had a couple of days, out of the last month, that I haven't been anxiety ridden and had to use all my effort not to think about the latest rounds of child sexual abuse flashbacks.
 My father was pure evil.


Look at these faces....they look like the couple next door, don't they? Because they are. Incest, neglect and physical abuse lurk on every street.
 I remember reading my dads obit, a few months ago. Wow, what a flowery, loving depiction of a man who thought nothing of raping small children and beating them black and blue. I was angry and somewhat confused. Angry because each person is seen in a different light by those who know and interact with them.
 Oh, I'm sure some siblings have chosen to forget the beatings and rape....remembering only the kind moments. I'm sure his employers thought him a good worker and provider for his family. I'm sure his church thought him righteous, giving and a fine example of his faith. That was one part of him.


After all, how many obits do you read that tell more than the flowery good works of a man? When was the last time you read, "pillar father community, kind, generous and raped his own kids"? See, we just don't tell the Whole truth....just the parts we choose to remember.
Is it slanderous to call a sexual predator, a sexual predator? Well, what if he only raped a couple of children, a few times? Can we just overlook that? Is he still a pillar?
History says yes. Men and women have long been allowed to sexual abuse and physically abuse without anyone pointing fingers too much. Yet another reason incest is alive, well and rampant.
 I cannot allow his obit to say who he was, because it was only part of who he was.
My calling him evil, criminal, sadistic and deranged is the other part.


 It does beg the question....if a grown man chooses to rape his own toddler....he obviously was severely abused himself. You don't learn that shit watching PBS. It makes me wonder about His parents, my grandparents.....Hidden evil runs in the family, apparently.
 That stops now.


I will trample the deads "good name".
I will call my family, the house that incest and abuse built.
I will hope and pray that the others he abused realize its ok now. And hope that don't continue my dads legacy.
No more hiding. No more deceit, cover ups and lies.
I simply will not lie and sugar coat who he was and what he did. No matter the abuses done to him...he made a conscious choice to traumatically hurt me.
I continue to speak out Loudly! What he did was wrong.

Aspergers and Weather and Sound....ill wind blows

Feeling like a prolific writer today.


I stepped out my door....and felt chaotic anxiety. It was all due to the weather.
My acute autistic sensitivity went into overdrive. I clamped my hands over my ears and retreated.
First off, the sound of the oak forest was positively deafening. "Hands over ears" either the real action or just the thought of doing it,.....means the sound is hurting me. It was akin to standing at an ocean shoreline, right up close and gigantic waves crashed repeatedly. Loud sounds hurt.
The second thing that bothered me was the clouds. The sky, visually, looked turbulent and chaotic. Black cloud, nimbostratus and nimbocumulus, were erratically isolated in patches of puffy white. Amongst some of the black, the sun would shine through. The sky was all wrong.


The third issue....my skin felt oscillating, varying small, unpredictable....winds. It's like the wind was constantly shifting in unpredictable patterns. My frizzy hair was tossed into multiple directions. All my sensors were being overstimulated and rapidly being flicked on and off and on and off.
Yeah, I was kinda freakin out....for no other reason then the external environment.
It reminded me of the saying, "an ill wind is blowing." It definitely made me feel unwell through and through.
I've noticed that when hurricanes or tornadoes take place in other parts of the country, and the remnants of such devastating, destructive storms makes its way up here, that I can feel....almost terror and definitely fear. It's as if the emotions the storms caused gets "caught up" and carried in the storm winds and then it travels.
If I had no access to the weather channel, I could easily tell if the approaching storm had caused destruction just by how I feel.
There are definitely days I Do Not want to go outdoors due to the atmosphere. Days it scares me, sets hairs on end and just irritates me. Today is one of those days.


Looking back at my childhood and younger years, I can't help but wonder how many times I felt disgruntled and completely out-of-sorts and didn't know why.....

Adult Female Aspergers Syndrome Traits, video analysis

I adore this video. It covers the majority of traits Aspie women have. The one omission that I would have liked to have seen: verbal difficulties, selective mutism, gesturing in lieu of words. That aside, I commend the video maker.
 There is sooo much info packed in those 16 minutes. I thought I would break the vid down into its secretion and analyze.
Section A: Deep Thinkers
1) a deep thinker
Agreed. After a rare biological family gathering, I frequently thought loudly, "how was it I was birthed from such a shallow pool?" Seriously. I am a natural deep thinker.
2) prolific writer drawn to poetry
Pretty much. I can be a prolific writer, at times. Definitely drawn to poetry, composing and reading it.
3) highly intelligent
Sometimes.....see 4)
4) sees things at multiple levels including thinking processes
I'm not sure I understand this statement. Yup, clueless as to what it means. I continue to be "the dumbest smart person I know:)"
5) analyzes existence, the meaning of life & everything, continually
YES

6) serious and matter-of-fact in nature
Sure. Others have always remarked on my hellbent serious nature, since I was a child. I really don't know how to "play" or let loose...whatever that is:)
Oh, I have developed a minor Lego fetish. I have learned to play with Legos!

7) Doesn't take things for granted.
This surprised me a bit. But probably true.


8) Doesn't simplify.
Pretty much. It's difficult to simplify.

9) everything is complex.
Very true. I love detail. My art is usually "very busy"....an extension of what it's like inside my head/ world.


10) often gets lost in own thoughts & "checks out". (blank stare)
Hahahahahahaha.....Yup. Can we say daydreams and dissociates on a regular basis:) NICE

Much thanks and all credit to Samantha Craft for her spectacular video!!!!

Calming down

I had my therapy appointment today. That really seemed to calm everything down. Seems the "nightmare" of the other night, was yet another unpleasant memory from early childhood.
 Once the memory was spoken, my physical pain and emotional distress dissipated. It's so weird how that works.
 The memory....was truly disturbing. Sometimes I hope that I am just making really crappy shit up. I know I'm not because my body physically feels what is being remembered. Shit. My dad was a real dick. Pedophile through and through.
The memory still seems pretty distant. But I go back in tomorrow to deal some more.
At least I do feel calmer. Things make more sense. It's pretty damn sad to think about what happened....so I try not to. Some information takes awhile to process.
Laying low for a bit. Heck, I've been laying low for about three weeks now....since this layer of memories has been surfacing. Sigh. I rest when I can. Some meds help at times. I'm grateful for that.
Seems this is all I do, these days.....remember, report and process. Doesn't sound like much of a life, but it's all I've got.


Not much else is new. I've talked with the disability office, a couple of times. My case is being worked on. I hope they "rule" in my favor and I get some money rolling in. I can't delude myself anymore. I cannot see a time when I will be able to support myself, hold down a job. Still tough to admit.
I see my limitations, the imaginary boundaries of places I cannot go. Reality is what it is.
So be it.
Hope you are keeping cool.

I made it through another day

And sometimes that's all it's about.
Goal reached!!
Arrghhh
I woke up in a panic this morning. Great distress. Emergency call to the therapist for a sooner appointment. Reminded me how everyday, for years, I used to feel just like this. Pretty remarkable that I've gotten this far and fairly intact.
 Turns out the nightmarish dreams that cause me to leap out of bed may just be more horrid memories of a childhood gone bad. Took me a bit to calm down and get things under control.
Pain is more sporadic and less intense. I'm more liberal with the medication and rest. I occupied myself, another prerequisite when it gets this bad, with mindless video games that focused my wandering mind.
Today's major task was simply to keep my shit together and scoot by with the minimalist of necessary functions.
 Oh, you so wish you were me, don't you?
 Sarcasm....Bazinga.
 Yesterday, I wondered the yard taking photos. I'm tired of using images off google images. So, hoping all the photos I post on this blog will be mine. It's a little more insight into me and my life. I like what is mine instead of borrowing anyway.
I watched that Aspergers female video...Yikes! Way too much accuracy. I really didn't need any reminders of my limited functionality, thinking and social skills.
Just because it's true, doesn't mean it's pretty.


It's amazing I don't drown myself in a flushie, for how worthless I feel these days. My Partner made a sucky choice and the kids don't have the most astute or even functional, of moms. Everybody loses.
Currently flying without a wheel. No direction or specific focus. Just playing it close to the vest and getting through each day, and each night.
Maybe tomorrow will be better...maybe not...who knows.....I'm just sayin'

Enough already

Getting real tired of this. The pain and uselessness, the inability to do a damn thing...just doesn't seem worth it. I'm not getting anywhere. I don't see how things will ever improve. Sick, hurting body. Foggy, listless, restless mind. I'll never hold down a job. I'm barely able to care for myself, much less the two kids. I'm hot, I'm freezing. Everything continues to hurt, just not as much as yesterday. Might go see the doctor. Futility just grows. I'm not even sure I can articulate my symptoms. Probably another of those times I call and say "I don't feel well." The secretary will ask my symptoms and I say, "I just don't feel well." Naw, I have to give them some concrete answer. Maybe "I hurt everywhere" will work. It's the only solid symptom I can recognize. Everything hurts, just some parts a little less than others.


 Feeling pretty down. What's the use? Don't think I can win. Maybe things will get better. I doubt it. I'd tread water if my legs could move a bit. Maybe not.
What's the point? Running up the hill
Down in the dumps
Can't get out even if I try
Enough already
Why even bother
Getting nowhere fast
Nothing sounds good or worthwhile
Just malingering
Everything hurts

Great Video Aspergers Female

I found a fascinating video! Haven't figured out how to move it here...but, checkout "Adult Female Aspergers Syndrome Traits.....Slower and Sensory Friendly Version." Its accuracy is amazing!

Recovering

I'm being hit pretty hard with the new revelations in therapy. I slept about 16 hours, last night. I guess I shouldn't say "sleep" as I struggled with some new-to-me, form of night terrors. I was pretty much thrashing about, highly frustrated and emotional and jumping out of bed at least every hour.
 I didn't really get to sleep sleep until sunrise. By then my physical body hurt everywhere and deeply. Like my bones hurt and were being rearranged. Guess thats what happens when you dissociate half your body when you were really young. Obviously, it's body memories, as pain pills refuse to work.
I guess I'm handling the youngsters pain because I can. I mean, I don't like it by any means, but I'm not falling apart from it either. I must say that I had no idea I could tolerate this much physical pain at once.
 I literally could not move enough to get out of bed this morning. Once I did, every little move required great effort. I couldn't even manage to cook myself something. I wasn't that hungry anyway. My part of our healing process is simply to experience some of the pain that was trapped and locked away. So that's what I do.
 I had dreams about the therapist. We were just sitting around shooting shit. I still have big trust issues with her. Seems the dreams were trying to help me trust her. I don't know. Doesn't really feel like I have a choice anyway.
 I do worry a bit, that all this pain is from a Lyme disease flare up. I just stopped taking antibiotics about three weeks ago. I was on them for months. Guess I'll keep an eye on things. See if and when the pain lets up.
 Seems the Lyme was more muscle and neurological pain. Not sure. But this definitely feels like my body is releasing ad reorganizing. I never know anything for sure.
 I was totally surprised to wake up feeling so awful. Yeah, root chakra work is all physical. Working on grounding and getting a.....what?......oh, foundation. Stability sounds like an interesting concept.


Oh well, it's time for bed. Just thought I'd share some misery. I'm not a real happy camper, these days, but I hope this helps lead to healing.
Be Well

Being Multiple /DID and Autistic among other things

Lots on my mind. Still processing yesterday's therapy.
It's easy for me to talk and write about having Aspergers. Autism has gone pretty mainstream and is, like, accepted and understood.
 Being Multiple and having DID....it's still hard to write or talk about. It's close to embarrassing. I feel there are still people out there who think its a farce. It's more hidden than autism. And maybe it is because it very frequently has to do with trauma and, sometimes, sexual abuse of youngyoung children. See, something really bad had to have had happened to a child under the age of three, for DID to develop. In my case it wasn't sexual abuse that started me on the multiple road. It was a birth defect with severe pain that lasted for hours at a time, along with a frustrated mother who tried drowning me, in the kitchen sink.
  One hallmark of autism is difficulty in communicating. Multiplicity is all about .....things, feelings, sensations, that are hard to describe. DID, like autism, is a completely different world....and everything that takes place.....is a challenge, even to describe without fear of ridicule.


 Autism demands privacy and distance. MPD supports this, in theory,....but the only way to heal and help the pain of MPD is to communicate the unspeakable and painful events. I've been frustrated....looking back.....for a veryvery long time.
 I can communicate with words, odd , unique and mainstream, at times. I also communicate pretty well with gestures, facial expressions and touch. I've spent entire therapy sessions just writing.  I communicate, damn I am challenged by such a daunting task, but I do fucking communicate with effort:) I Am trying. I Know that and so do a few others.
 Summers are busy. I enjoy being outdoors, gardening, long walks and taking care of my guys. I get little time to myself, so I've been staying up late to catch up with me. Writing seems to feel a bit too revealing, but necessary and helpful.


 I haven't played with my art in like, forever. That makes me feel sad inside. Today, I could feel small and distant creative stirrings....ideas formulating. I figure it has to be a small project that can be completed in a small timespan, if I have any hopes of completing it. Hopefully soon. Hopefully.
 When I'm not creating, it just feels like my spirit is sad and something is missing. The artsy fartsy part of my brain doesn't like to lay dormant for so long.
Sharing photos of one of my gardens and scenes from yesterday's walk.
My physical body has...calmed down from yesterday. Not as much new sensations. I "fit" better in my body. It's more comfortable.
So much is different. I walk easier, differently than I did two days ago. After therapy yesterday, I said I felt compelled to go for a long walk....I didn't mention that it felt like part of me had never walked before and excitedly, half bouncing with joy, was thrilled to be walking and feel legs and feet under her:) I didn't have to consciously tell my legs and feet to move and by how much either.....definitely a first.
My body fits better. I'm more comfortable in it. The soles and palms still feel like new neurons have been attached to the surface, but less so. Feels calmer.
Lots of energy today! Many tasks completed, big and small.
I know each day is different, but some days are wayway different than the one before. Moving forward:)

Revelation

So, my parents did not know how much they were hurting me by following doctors orders. Today, as I suffered through multiple pain simultaneously, I was able to kind of, measure the different areas. Yes, the pain in my feet and ankles was dreadful, no doubt. But, the pain in my hip was what really sent my through the roof. Hip pain effects the entire body, upper and lower, and it runs deep. The hip was the area that was more intense and horrific.
 The thing is....I couldn't effectively communicate the hip pain to anyone. It wasn't that no one was listening, per se....it was that there simply was no way for my small self to point and say, "I hurt here. Make it stop!" I was helpless. My parents were helpless. I couldn't be heard.
 It must have been awful for my parents to hear me screaming so hard and long. They had no idea of what was wrong with me or how to fix it.
They got mad and frustrated at me.....which makes sense now. Even the doctor was just trying to do his best. Mother had always said that my crooked feet were the worst the doctor had ever seen. Doctor probably had no idea he was dislocating my hip everytime the brace went on.
No one was intentionally hurting or punishing me!!
Geez, really, no one is to blame.


I remember being a teen and my baby brother had to have a similar brace put on his feet. Mom would ask me to do it......sometimes I did....and other times....his crying and kicking were too much for me. (Makes sense to me now why I understood and accepted his reluctance) It is really hard to knowingly cause pain.
I think I felt so helpless and scorned because I was trying so hard to make this body pain stop. I was trying to tell them! God, I knew how much it was gonna hurt and for how long.......and I can not blame myself. I know I tried! And I can not blame my parents for an overall, pretty normal reaction.
This incident....seems to be either the first or second time I dissociated, split. I started down the multiple road......it was right around this time that my near drowning occurred.
It's starting to make sense.
I mentioned that I am a time traveler. I'm a damn good time traveler as my autism allows me to have earlier and more detailed memories than NTs, or so the studies say.
I could draw you a layout of the apartment I lived in until I was a little over three. The detail would knock your socks off.
Hmmm, maybe another reason I went the multiple route...too much information.
Autism is dissociative. I was definitely born with an enhanced disposition to split.



Hmmm, maybe no one really is to blame
For some reason........I feel....awholelotbetter knowing that they weren't torturing me on purpose.
It changes everything

Note to self

Processing therapy today. I figured out what I was trying to convey. See, when they started putting the braces on my feet, the doctors and the parents did not realize that they were dislocating my left hip in the process. I was in constant pain from the brace. Pain in both feet, especially at the ankles. And the hip pain which caused me to throw fits because no one could understand why I was so hurt.
It wasn't intentional. Hmmm. There was nothing wrong with my hips when I was born. The doctor basically created my hip dysplasia, hip falling out of place, because of the torsion on my lower legs.
All that time...hmmm...my parents thought I was this fitful, willful child making their lives miserable. And it really was something as simply as miscommunication. I couldn't tell them....where it hurt. I couldn't convey the degree of pain, either. They looked at me...exasperated and clueless. And I was vehemently trying to tell them.
Whoa.
Lots to think about


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

MPD and Therapy

I don't know the how's or the whys of how talking to someone about traumatic incidents...heals...but I'm sure glad it does!

 Case in point: This morning I woke up with terrible pain in my feet, ankles and left hip. It hurt just to take the simplest of steps. I had to concentrate and tell each foot what to do. The pain was intense and my big dose of pain med Did Nothing. This fact told me that I was dealing with a body memory, past trauma surfacing. 

 Fortunately, my therapy appointment was this afternoon. I hobbled in to therapy and walked out feeling much lighter.

  When I came home, I really felt Compelled to go for a long, hour and a half walk. My feet felt...different..as only a multiple who integrated some new facet of herself can understand.

  It's like...I could, for the very first time, feel the layer of skin and cells on the bottoms of my feet.

 I can imagine how strange this must sound, as the sensation perplexes me as well. I've always had these feet. What could have changed, in less than One hour, that allowed me to suddenly feel part of my body that I've always had? 

My scientific mind says this makes no sense. I cannot fathom the mechanism of how this works....but I feel very real results.
Another example of multiplicity and the somatic, physical body:
One day, I take my hand and touch object A. It feels like plastic.
The next week, again, I allow my hand to touch the Exact Same Object A. This time, it feels like sandpaper.
One week later, once again, I touch Object A with the very same hand that touched it twice before. This time, it feels soft and nice.
WTH? How does that happen?


Everything about me, from what I think, to what I feel, my overriding emotions, my tastes in food and drink, my interests and how each, little part of my body feels...has the potential to change in a few minutes, an hour, the next morning. This is the uncertainty principle That a Multiple Lives With Every Single Day. Ponder that and come up for air. It's very deep. It is very true.
It is complex and almost impossible to explain. And this is just my MPD living, not my autistic way of looking at things.
Damn. This looks so clear, on paper. The complexity, the uncertainty....it's like a semi-controlled form of chaos. I've been quite focused on my MPD, as the screaming, harassing flashbacks and body memories demand my full attention. An autistic dealing with these issues, just doubles the fun.



I haven't had a break with dealing with memories...it seems like, it's been many weeks. My therapist remarked that I no sooner get one set of memories dealt with and bandaged, then another set arises to be wrestled. She seems to think me and the system are working overtime to get better as fast as possible. That "it's time." She may be right. Sometimes....I just wish I had a few days, or a week, when I wasn't time traveling and engrossed in healing the trauma.
Sigh.
I do know that....many aspects of my life Are getting better. I Do know therapy works. I may never know how or why, but it does.
These past couple weeks....monumental break throughs have been taking place:) maybe I even smile a wee bit more.
I'm no slacker. We are making progress. :)


Be well