Revelation

So, my parents did not know how much they were hurting me by following doctors orders. Today, as I suffered through multiple pain simultaneously, I was able to kind of, measure the different areas. Yes, the pain in my feet and ankles was dreadful, no doubt. But, the pain in my hip was what really sent my through the roof. Hip pain effects the entire body, upper and lower, and it runs deep. The hip was the area that was more intense and horrific.
 The thing is....I couldn't effectively communicate the hip pain to anyone. It wasn't that no one was listening, per se....it was that there simply was no way for my small self to point and say, "I hurt here. Make it stop!" I was helpless. My parents were helpless. I couldn't be heard.
 It must have been awful for my parents to hear me screaming so hard and long. They had no idea of what was wrong with me or how to fix it.
They got mad and frustrated at me.....which makes sense now. Even the doctor was just trying to do his best. Mother had always said that my crooked feet were the worst the doctor had ever seen. Doctor probably had no idea he was dislocating my hip everytime the brace went on.
No one was intentionally hurting or punishing me!!
Geez, really, no one is to blame.


I remember being a teen and my baby brother had to have a similar brace put on his feet. Mom would ask me to do it......sometimes I did....and other times....his crying and kicking were too much for me. (Makes sense to me now why I understood and accepted his reluctance) It is really hard to knowingly cause pain.
I think I felt so helpless and scorned because I was trying so hard to make this body pain stop. I was trying to tell them! God, I knew how much it was gonna hurt and for how long.......and I can not blame myself. I know I tried! And I can not blame my parents for an overall, pretty normal reaction.
This incident....seems to be either the first or second time I dissociated, split. I started down the multiple road......it was right around this time that my near drowning occurred.
It's starting to make sense.
I mentioned that I am a time traveler. I'm a damn good time traveler as my autism allows me to have earlier and more detailed memories than NTs, or so the studies say.
I could draw you a layout of the apartment I lived in until I was a little over three. The detail would knock your socks off.
Hmmm, maybe another reason I went the multiple route...too much information.
Autism is dissociative. I was definitely born with an enhanced disposition to split.



Hmmm, maybe no one really is to blame
For some reason........I feel....awholelotbetter knowing that they weren't torturing me on purpose.
It changes everything