Lots on my mind. Still processing yesterday's therapy.
It's easy for me to talk and write about having Aspergers. Autism has gone pretty mainstream and is, like, accepted and understood.
Being Multiple and having DID....it's still hard to write or talk about. It's close to embarrassing. I feel there are still people out there who think its a farce. It's more hidden than autism. And maybe it is because it very frequently has to do with trauma and, sometimes, sexual abuse of youngyoung children. See, something really bad had to have had happened to a child under the age of three, for DID to develop. In my case it wasn't sexual abuse that started me on the multiple road. It was a birth defect with severe pain that lasted for hours at a time, along with a frustrated mother who tried drowning me, in the kitchen sink.
One hallmark of autism is difficulty in communicating. Multiplicity is all about .....things, feelings, sensations, that are hard to describe. DID, like autism, is a completely different world....and everything that takes place.....is a challenge, even to describe without fear of ridicule.
Autism demands privacy and distance. MPD supports this, in theory,....but the only way to heal and help the pain of MPD is to communicate the unspeakable and painful events. I've been frustrated....looking back.....for a veryvery long time.
I can communicate with words, odd , unique and mainstream, at times. I also communicate pretty well with gestures, facial expressions and touch. I've spent entire therapy sessions just writing. I communicate, damn I am challenged by such a daunting task, but I do fucking communicate with effort:) I Am trying. I Know that and so do a few others.
Summers are busy. I enjoy being outdoors, gardening, long walks and taking care of my guys. I get little time to myself, so I've been staying up late to catch up with me. Writing seems to feel a bit too revealing, but necessary and helpful.
I haven't played with my art in like, forever. That makes me feel sad inside. Today, I could feel small and distant creative stirrings....ideas formulating. I figure it has to be a small project that can be completed in a small timespan, if I have any hopes of completing it. Hopefully soon. Hopefully.
When I'm not creating, it just feels like my spirit is sad and something is missing. The artsy fartsy part of my brain doesn't like to lay dormant for so long.
Sharing photos of one of my gardens and scenes from yesterday's walk.
My physical body has...calmed down from yesterday. Not as much new sensations. I "fit" better in my body. It's more comfortable.
So much is different. I walk easier, differently than I did two days ago. After therapy yesterday, I said I felt compelled to go for a long walk....I didn't mention that it felt like part of me had never walked before and excitedly, half bouncing with joy, was thrilled to be walking and feel legs and feet under her:) I didn't have to consciously tell my legs and feet to move and by how much either.....definitely a first.
My body fits better. I'm more comfortable in it. The soles and palms still feel like new neurons have been attached to the surface, but less so. Feels calmer.
Lots of energy today! Many tasks completed, big and small.
I know each day is different, but some days are wayway different than the one before. Moving forward:)
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