- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad
Thursday, December 26, 2013
Wednesday, December 25, 2013
Tuesday, December 24, 2013
Saturday, December 21, 2013
Rebuilding Bridges
Sometimes I burn a bridge in a day. Now I'm trying to rebuild. If only I could find the right tools.
Thursday, December 19, 2013
Monday, December 16, 2013
Therapy...feeling exhausted
Actually, I feel beaten up....hit by a truck..therapys like that sometimes. It seems when long-buried, traumatic memories get released, the body hurts bad. I think part of it is the sheer stress of holding onto it for so long and then releasing. Kinda like holding a bag of garbage, in one outstretched hand for forty years and letting it drop. That poor arm hurts. My arms are the parts of me that feel the worst.
Therapy was Intense with a capital "I". I spoke, in the thrall of a gushing waterfall, of the most hideous, disgusting, graphic memory to date...I think. I'm guessing the cellular/ emotional (same thing really) location was my arms. I sincerely feel "beat up". Every time I look at my bare arms I expect to see bruises, but there are none.
I sleep and rest, as much as possible, take Rescue Remedy, a homeopathic destresser and drink tons of water to help recover.
Definitely have reached a new level, a greater depth, in therapy. In a way I'm happy because this particular memory cannot haunt me from the shadows anymore. In a way it's sad...because I am aware of the memory, what happened....and it was veryvery sad. I don't think that anyone can comprehend it, cept therapist and maybe others who have gone through something similar.
I'm feel beaten, and at the same time uplifted. Seems I continue to find reservoirs of strength and courage I never thought I had. And, yeah, I'm sore and exhausted, but this too, shall pass.
The warrior will regain her strength to fight on.
Be well.
Therapy was Intense with a capital "I". I spoke, in the thrall of a gushing waterfall, of the most hideous, disgusting, graphic memory to date...I think. I'm guessing the cellular/ emotional (same thing really) location was my arms. I sincerely feel "beat up". Every time I look at my bare arms I expect to see bruises, but there are none.
I sleep and rest, as much as possible, take Rescue Remedy, a homeopathic destresser and drink tons of water to help recover.
Definitely have reached a new level, a greater depth, in therapy. In a way I'm happy because this particular memory cannot haunt me from the shadows anymore. In a way it's sad...because I am aware of the memory, what happened....and it was veryvery sad. I don't think that anyone can comprehend it, cept therapist and maybe others who have gone through something similar.
I'm feel beaten, and at the same time uplifted. Seems I continue to find reservoirs of strength and courage I never thought I had. And, yeah, I'm sore and exhausted, but this too, shall pass.
The warrior will regain her strength to fight on.
Be well.
Sunday, December 15, 2013
Fed Up, last week sucked
Wednesday afternoon, I went to LittleGuy therapy appt with him for the first time since I had walked out when she upset my son and I. I went voluntarily and with an agenda. I wanted her to know exactly why I had taken LittleGuy and left early that session a couple months back. The conversation went something like this:
Never in my twenty years of therapy, had I ever seen a therapist irritate the piss out of someone like that. What the hell was that about? You (to sons therapist) were irritating, hurting him with your words. I could feel his frustration and pain and I couldn't save him or me. I couldn't say anything or just leave because I didn't want to disrespect you(therapist) in front of my son because he would have copied me.
She said, "I appreciate that."
And you just kept at it and I couldn't, excuse me, get you to shut the fuck up. I was trapped. He was trapped and I couldn't figure out how to make you stop badgering him.
That was the general thinking that I presented to her with the " I couldn't get you to shut the fuck up" being my favorite line.
She apologized saying that she was very sorry and hadn't intended to hurt us.
"I imagine", my only reply.
She said, "I can't tell you how much I appreciate you speaking to me and letting me know."
Yeah, right.
A few more minutes of chatter. As I went to leave she extended a hand and averted her eyes down. Yeah, I shook it.
I maintained eye contact throughout my dissertation. I could feel my facial expression was angry, intense and controlled. I surprised myself with how well I made my presentation. It felt good.
Was she sorry? Probably, yeah. I don't think she intended to cause us distress. She looked quite sorry and maybe a little emotional.
So, that was Wednesday.
Thursday through Sunday was one long stress filled event, for another post.
Today, Sunday....something else, very upsetting happened and I can't talk about it or I'll cry.
Next week, some scheduled appointments, meetings that will, once again, test my speaking out, assertive skills.
Not feelin warm and fuzzy, fer sure.
Thursday, December 12, 2013
Dealing with flashbacks, PTSD
In a way, flashbacks have gotten easier to deal with...in another way, they are more emotionally intense and more painful. It seems that the first ten years of intense therapy, I spent that time just learning about my DID/ MPD and getting quasi-functional.
In the past two years with the new therapist, the first six months were devoted to checking therapist out, building a little trust and learning each others communication methods. Then the DID emerged, as well as the memories.
We have been working on a memory...seems like 9 sessions out of 10. The flashbacks started out as rather "simple" and have been systematically moving into more intensity, more emotion and much more somatic, physical. The memories are downright brutal, at times. While I realize the process, I visually see the mem, my body feels it, the emotions emerge, then we take it to therapy and talk about it.....they are more painful. They also are briefer, few linger longer than the therapy session, and I can semi-contain the mems so my everyday life is much more functional.
I'm no longer consumed by the flashbacks for extended periods of time.
I've noticed that they have become much more difficult to verbalize. A majority of my newest memories revolve around the pre-5 age range. I'm sure that has something to do with it. Try putting words to unspeakable acts with a three year olds vocabulary. Yeah, right.
I, also, have...less control or preconceived ideas about what will get discussed in therapy. It's like, I used to have a list on my internal bulletin aboard about items to be discussed. Well, the board has been torn down and is no where to be found. I'm not quite used to the lack of control. I basically have no idea which direction, or what will be talked about in therapy. And things happen quicker. I seem to switch on a dime and fly off into the great unknown. I'm still trying to adjust to that. Have to trust the system more...and therapist.
Geez, I didn't realize how much Has changed in therapy these past two months, until I started writing.
I experience new physical symptoms. I didn't realize I had the ability to dissociate single body parts. There are times I can't feel my foot or hand. Quite unsettling. Seems bad memories get isolated in body parts, so that part is dissociated so it doesn't feel the awful memory. At some point...yeah, right, in order to be whole....I'm going to have to feel that awfulness. Must not be ready yet.
I've accepted that I just have to go through, talk about and reexperience the traumas. It's logically what has to be done. It's the only way to heal. After working on healing the past couple years, it's somewhat of a warped routine. The only way out. The only way to heal. I get that, now. Don't make it any easier. Doesn't matter if I like it or don't....it is what it is. I choose to move forward.
Sigh. It's not a boring, predictable life. Each day is a new adventure. Thanks for reading.
In the past two years with the new therapist, the first six months were devoted to checking therapist out, building a little trust and learning each others communication methods. Then the DID emerged, as well as the memories.
We have been working on a memory...seems like 9 sessions out of 10. The flashbacks started out as rather "simple" and have been systematically moving into more intensity, more emotion and much more somatic, physical. The memories are downright brutal, at times. While I realize the process, I visually see the mem, my body feels it, the emotions emerge, then we take it to therapy and talk about it.....they are more painful. They also are briefer, few linger longer than the therapy session, and I can semi-contain the mems so my everyday life is much more functional.
I'm no longer consumed by the flashbacks for extended periods of time.
I've noticed that they have become much more difficult to verbalize. A majority of my newest memories revolve around the pre-5 age range. I'm sure that has something to do with it. Try putting words to unspeakable acts with a three year olds vocabulary. Yeah, right.
I, also, have...less control or preconceived ideas about what will get discussed in therapy. It's like, I used to have a list on my internal bulletin aboard about items to be discussed. Well, the board has been torn down and is no where to be found. I'm not quite used to the lack of control. I basically have no idea which direction, or what will be talked about in therapy. And things happen quicker. I seem to switch on a dime and fly off into the great unknown. I'm still trying to adjust to that. Have to trust the system more...and therapist.
Geez, I didn't realize how much Has changed in therapy these past two months, until I started writing.
I experience new physical symptoms. I didn't realize I had the ability to dissociate single body parts. There are times I can't feel my foot or hand. Quite unsettling. Seems bad memories get isolated in body parts, so that part is dissociated so it doesn't feel the awful memory. At some point...yeah, right, in order to be whole....I'm going to have to feel that awfulness. Must not be ready yet.
I've accepted that I just have to go through, talk about and reexperience the traumas. It's logically what has to be done. It's the only way to heal. After working on healing the past couple years, it's somewhat of a warped routine. The only way out. The only way to heal. I get that, now. Don't make it any easier. Doesn't matter if I like it or don't....it is what it is. I choose to move forward.
Sigh. It's not a boring, predictable life. Each day is a new adventure. Thanks for reading.
Saturday, December 7, 2013
Thursday, December 5, 2013
Learning to take care of myself
I've started some new habits, routines, in a concerted effort to be nice to myself. Yup, it's all new. Most of it is simple, little things, but it has big implications.
If I'm tired, I sleep as much as I can. No feeling guilty, or dragging myself up. I honor my body and it's need for rest. Some days it is twenty hours, other days five. I just listen to what my body needs.
I've been working on detoxing. Not from drugs or alcohol, just from the build up in my system from the Lyme, long term meds, environmental and food toxins. I am taking activated charcoal capsules (100% safe, no side effects) daily. I drink a detox tea. 3 or 4 nights a week, I soak my feet in hot water and a healthy dose of apple cider vinegar. Then I spend an hour or two massaging my feet and hands.
I need to get out and walk more. The weather has turned, so I'm less inclined to walk in the snow, but I'd like to walk more, or at least get back on the treadmill or exercise bike.
I've started reading books. I finished one and am currently oscillating between a couple. I read a study that talked about how the brain has to work and interconnect to read. I've often had difficulty reading...just seemed too taxing and it was hard for me to sit still. Now, I try and read for at least thirty minutes every day.
I've been uncluttering the house of all the unneccessary, unused garbage stuff. I'd like to get three or four grocery bags of garbage or goods out of the house each week. The usable stuff gets donated. The garbage goes in the can and resellable stuff I list on eBay. I think I've hit my goal the past two weeks. It's a positive start.
I started listening to "audioentrainment" videos on YouTube. It's a series of videos with various sound frequencies that claim to help activate, clear and align ones energy. Let me tell ya, They Work. I can feel, sense the energy moving and clearing. I listen to the vids for about an hour each day. Very calming and healing. I highly recommend it.
Somehow this fits in...I've been working with my kids on the importance of R&R, responsibility and respect. I talk to Younglink every single day about the importance. And I help him understand what R&R means, by my actions and through my words. I think I have tolerated his insolence much too long. I am patiently, vehemently addressing this with him. It still bothers me when he is rude and inconsiderate. I must continue to work very closely with him to modify his behavior.
I'm working on being kinder and more considerate, myself. Overall, I rank pretty good there, but I believe I can improve.
I'm keeping up with therapy. Grabbing hugs when I can. Exchanging smies and warm greetings whenever possible.
I think I'm starting to like myself more. I'm realize that I am a good and caring person. I'm starting to believe in me:)
Be well, my friends
If I'm tired, I sleep as much as I can. No feeling guilty, or dragging myself up. I honor my body and it's need for rest. Some days it is twenty hours, other days five. I just listen to what my body needs.
I've been working on detoxing. Not from drugs or alcohol, just from the build up in my system from the Lyme, long term meds, environmental and food toxins. I am taking activated charcoal capsules (100% safe, no side effects) daily. I drink a detox tea. 3 or 4 nights a week, I soak my feet in hot water and a healthy dose of apple cider vinegar. Then I spend an hour or two massaging my feet and hands.
I need to get out and walk more. The weather has turned, so I'm less inclined to walk in the snow, but I'd like to walk more, or at least get back on the treadmill or exercise bike.
I've started reading books. I finished one and am currently oscillating between a couple. I read a study that talked about how the brain has to work and interconnect to read. I've often had difficulty reading...just seemed too taxing and it was hard for me to sit still. Now, I try and read for at least thirty minutes every day.
I've been uncluttering the house of all the unneccessary, unused garbage stuff. I'd like to get three or four grocery bags of garbage or goods out of the house each week. The usable stuff gets donated. The garbage goes in the can and resellable stuff I list on eBay. I think I've hit my goal the past two weeks. It's a positive start.
I started listening to "audioentrainment" videos on YouTube. It's a series of videos with various sound frequencies that claim to help activate, clear and align ones energy. Let me tell ya, They Work. I can feel, sense the energy moving and clearing. I listen to the vids for about an hour each day. Very calming and healing. I highly recommend it.
Somehow this fits in...I've been working with my kids on the importance of R&R, responsibility and respect. I talk to Younglink every single day about the importance. And I help him understand what R&R means, by my actions and through my words. I think I have tolerated his insolence much too long. I am patiently, vehemently addressing this with him. It still bothers me when he is rude and inconsiderate. I must continue to work very closely with him to modify his behavior.
I'm working on being kinder and more considerate, myself. Overall, I rank pretty good there, but I believe I can improve.
I'm keeping up with therapy. Grabbing hugs when I can. Exchanging smies and warm greetings whenever possible.
I think I'm starting to like myself more. I'm realize that I am a good and caring person. I'm starting to believe in me:)
Be well, my friends
Tuesday, December 3, 2013
Uncensored
Much
I see the mass of people and I know I do not want to be like them. Mindless, bubbleheaded, Empty, carefree and striding to the nearest billboard to find out what they want and who they are. Hands full of empty straws. Unable to touch each other, for fear they might have to feel and think for themselves. Often, it really appears, that they are nothing but a surface, minor reflection of who someone told them they are.
I fill with pity for they. As I plumb my depths with hook, line, sinker, flashlights and prods.
What I want, you cannot buy.
Who I am, you cannot fathom.
Water, ether, fire, rain, sky, clouds over
Been interesting.
Calmed down much after mon therapy. Not sure why, how that works, anyway.
Took a dollar bill and ripped it up, metaphorically, visually, I get discouraged this time of year, watching the race for pacifying baubles...if you loved me, you'd buy me....this. As if....
Word searching. Lost the internal censor whereby I would play, run through words to say before Id say them. I'm living on a new edge.
It was a trap, the censor, made to question, doubt, second-guess, what's in my heart, (taps chest) and in my head (taps forehead lightly). Lack of self-confidence, a closed heart and handfuls of family fed doubts, taught me to misbelieve in Meself.
Tons of internal energy, light moving, opening, touching dark recesses, filling long-empty voids.
It's felt ok to just spout, say whatever, without forethought. It be strange, and i watch the faces to see if my words are in line with a semblance of normal. Feels ok. Looks ok. Feels strange, not having to have my own permission to speak. Not doubting myself...new.
Yup, words are some what disarrayed now. Makes sense, they flow now...instead of stopping to be filtered through a few times. Times...many times...not sure what to say. Silence, gaps, not awkward.
Sometimes no answer. Ha, other times words raw, irreverent, lots of funny, harsh...all from the new revealing.
I know. Me write funny:) I could either take my time and try and write like others...or, I can write how it sounds in my head, which I prefer. I prefer my way, what feels right to me, than trying to ft in and do it your way so you feel good and don't beat me.
I can repeat things if I want. I don't necessarily need to work so hard to mentally track every conversation I had ever had.
Writing keeps being interspersed with images....hands examining keys....
That's funny, I have my retainer in, so in my inner voice, that I'm dictating from, I hear me "talking" with my wicked retainer lisp. That also explains why I write different now.
So much has transpired. Much I cannot share, put words to, really.
I do get quite....frustrated, sad, at the overt consumerism, materialism, choke full ads and needy greedy babies, and what is actually important......what gets lst under the pretty paper and the bows....people just need other people to care. Children are starving, men are homeless, women beaten in shelters, animals cold, hungry and homeless....it's so thoughtless, what the tv and radio and newspapers are promoting. So empty. It's like a disease....I want this and I want that and I need to buy uncle this and auntie has to have that.....so empty (head down sad).
Just smile at someone, just talk nice polite respectful. Put money in the red can with bells. Care about someone other than yourself. Bake a cookie. Give an impish wink. Buy a toy, donate. You see someone in need, help. Be nice. There needs to be more of that. Stop wanting what you don't need to try and fill the emptiness. You just need more love, attention, self care, friends, spirit.
Unfiltered, I seem more like myself. It's okay to say what's in your heart (gently touches chest).....it's okay:)
I see the mass of people and I know I do not want to be like them. Mindless, bubbleheaded, Empty, carefree and striding to the nearest billboard to find out what they want and who they are. Hands full of empty straws. Unable to touch each other, for fear they might have to feel and think for themselves. Often, it really appears, that they are nothing but a surface, minor reflection of who someone told them they are.
I fill with pity for they. As I plumb my depths with hook, line, sinker, flashlights and prods.
What I want, you cannot buy.
Who I am, you cannot fathom.
Water, ether, fire, rain, sky, clouds over
Been interesting.
Calmed down much after mon therapy. Not sure why, how that works, anyway.
Took a dollar bill and ripped it up, metaphorically, visually, I get discouraged this time of year, watching the race for pacifying baubles...if you loved me, you'd buy me....this. As if....
Word searching. Lost the internal censor whereby I would play, run through words to say before Id say them. I'm living on a new edge.
It was a trap, the censor, made to question, doubt, second-guess, what's in my heart, (taps chest) and in my head (taps forehead lightly). Lack of self-confidence, a closed heart and handfuls of family fed doubts, taught me to misbelieve in Meself.
Tons of internal energy, light moving, opening, touching dark recesses, filling long-empty voids.
It's felt ok to just spout, say whatever, without forethought. It be strange, and i watch the faces to see if my words are in line with a semblance of normal. Feels ok. Looks ok. Feels strange, not having to have my own permission to speak. Not doubting myself...new.
Yup, words are some what disarrayed now. Makes sense, they flow now...instead of stopping to be filtered through a few times. Times...many times...not sure what to say. Silence, gaps, not awkward.
Sometimes no answer. Ha, other times words raw, irreverent, lots of funny, harsh...all from the new revealing.
I know. Me write funny:) I could either take my time and try and write like others...or, I can write how it sounds in my head, which I prefer. I prefer my way, what feels right to me, than trying to ft in and do it your way so you feel good and don't beat me.
I can repeat things if I want. I don't necessarily need to work so hard to mentally track every conversation I had ever had.
Writing keeps being interspersed with images....hands examining keys....
That's funny, I have my retainer in, so in my inner voice, that I'm dictating from, I hear me "talking" with my wicked retainer lisp. That also explains why I write different now.
So much has transpired. Much I cannot share, put words to, really.
I do get quite....frustrated, sad, at the overt consumerism, materialism, choke full ads and needy greedy babies, and what is actually important......what gets lst under the pretty paper and the bows....people just need other people to care. Children are starving, men are homeless, women beaten in shelters, animals cold, hungry and homeless....it's so thoughtless, what the tv and radio and newspapers are promoting. So empty. It's like a disease....I want this and I want that and I need to buy uncle this and auntie has to have that.....so empty (head down sad).
Just smile at someone, just talk nice polite respectful. Put money in the red can with bells. Care about someone other than yourself. Bake a cookie. Give an impish wink. Buy a toy, donate. You see someone in need, help. Be nice. There needs to be more of that. Stop wanting what you don't need to try and fill the emptiness. You just need more love, attention, self care, friends, spirit.
Unfiltered, I seem more like myself. It's okay to say what's in your heart (gently touches chest).....it's okay:)
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)