Being a Good Parent, The Aspergers Parent

One of the things, that I am most proud of, is being a good parent. This skill I learned completely on my own, as I had no positive role models.

Here's what I've learned:

The child always comes first ahead of my needs. If my son needs something, for me to listen or to help, I stop what I am doing. Yes, it's a no-brainier, but with my loops and monorailic trains of thought, this can challenge me.

My son eats healthy meals at regular intervals. It doesn't matter that I eat erratically and the same exact meals everyday. My child needs a variety and is always served a main dish, fruit or vegetable, milk or juice and sometimes dessert.

I compliment good behavior and work at building on his strengths and minimizing his weaknesses.

I lead, teach by my example.

I am generous with love and affection.

I am honest with my child regarding my autism. If there is some activity that I cannot do because of my Aspergers, I explain it to my son, in terms he understands.

I've taught my son that there are times I cannot speak. He has learned my various hand gestures so we can communicate. He is aware that I sometimes cannot talk and drive. My up raised hand is his signal to wait. Hugs and handholding reassure him that even though I cant speak, I am listening and there for him.

I correct and talk about negative behaviors and again, I lead by example.

I forgive indiscretions and have taught my sons to do likewise.

If we are both hungry, I make sure he eats first. If there is one sandwich, he gets three fourths. That's what being a parent means.

I make sure he gets outside, exercises and plays with other kids, as much as possible. It does not matter that I would rather lay on the couch or don't feel well. His needs come first.

I am teaching and learning about consequences of actions.

I stand up for my sons against teachers, school systems, rude and mean people All the Time!!! They know momma will always fight for their rights and their well being.

I say what I mean and I mean what I say, I Love my children:)

The Solo Game....Desiderata

I don't delude myself...I am the most alone person that I have ever met or heard about. I'm just getting more to the point of accepting my position. It being neither good nor bad, just a statement of truth and awareness.

Ha, awareness is not for everyone. Sometimes the rivers of denial and ignorance are the ways best traveled. With eyes half closed, the road doesn't look quite as ominous.

Everyone should find their place which offers the best position and vantage point. If you be fortunate enough to find yourself a trustworthy, compassionate companion, you be one of the lucky ones.

If you realize that the only person who will ever love and understand you, is you, rejoice. Seek not to sell your soul, your values and beliefs for being with those unworthy or who would bring you down or force conformity. Aye, know where you be and where you want to go...and with whom..or go it alone.

Life is to be tolerated and enjoyed as much as possible. Keep your dreams aligned with your values.

I've grown tired of throwing all my coins in that damn wishing well. I choose to pocket them instead. Sometimes I venture into the realness and see clearly. Other times I dwell in the fog of complacency.

It is all about choices, realizing ones own worth and aligning dreams with the reality you find yourself in.

Be as content and as happy as you can possibly be.

Frustrated Treading Water

I'm not sure which physical ailment is causing the most distress, the pain and discomfort of lichen sclerosus or the flared exhaustion and achiness of the Lyme disease. Guess it doesn't really matter.

I saw my gynecologist who put me on low dose estrogen And testosterone cream. I made her promise I wouldn't turn into a hermaphrodite....part male, part female.

Lichen does very much seem like a cruel, hideous, hidden disease. It attacks the most beautiful part of being female...taking it all away, turning one into nothing more than a castrated, castigated being. Not knowing the cause or reasoning behind it. Like punching villains in the dark, blindfolded. Hard to image...a part of me could get so pained and leave.

I don't talk about it much. Not conversational material. Who wants to hear about the most intimate, insidious of dilemmas? Honestly, I try not to think about it...at times I deny or work on forgetting about it...because of how bad and awful the disease makes me feel....like a walking testimony to failure. Like, I caused this to avoid interaction, sexuality and femininity. Like I'm being punished by a most evil deity who spat me into the hell of here and this body. Like I've really, really done something bad and this is the ultimate in private, personal punishment. No one is allowed to see me, to get close enough. It's even difficult for me to show my doctor...how much I've lost...what's been taken away...what's gone..how I feel, at such a deep loss.

Hidden, private pain, disfigurement, tormented sadness and grief.

I wish I had an answer, magic key or incantation....it's so...mysterious, the reason, the cause. I hate it when I can't find what I'm looking for...what does exist, somewhere.

A disease with no known cause or cure, just different treatments to try....all having failed

Yeah, I'm a bit frustrated, distant, aloof in my own inner dimension, set apart, made different, contracting strange, rare and difficult to diagnose ailments....ha,my own private hell

Going Places Alone

I've been doing pretty good, venturing out and going places by myself. The past few days, I have gone to new places twice. Both times, I stayed over an hour and adjusted to strange situations and foreign peoples.

My Lyme symptoms are abating. I can sleep at night and I have the energy to go to the grocstore and work in the garden.

I continue to explore this burgeoning femininity thingy. Yesterday, at Kmart, I must have spent close to an hour looking thru all the women's clothes, makeup and shoes. I continue to prefer dresses over my old jeans.

I've beenas bit more moody lately. Haven't seen my therapist in a couple weeks. We didn't have a falling out...I just got autistically weirded out and have yet to figure it all out.

Yeah, I'm having, like odd and erratic autistic moments where I just can't handle...whatever is going on at the moment.

My closet looks funny....95% boys clothes and a handful of dressed:) I can be so very weird.

I continue reading my one novel, this summer. My friend lent, Outlander, to me. I read almost everyday and find it a very fascinating book. I have a list of about a dozen words that I don't know how to pronounce, as I've never seen them before or heard them spoken. I can look up their meaning, but I don't have the internal mechanism that can sound out new words. I'm going to ask a friend to say the words so I can write them, phonetically, on my internal screen.

I continue to spend hours, every week, cutting out interesting newspaper articles to send to my imprisoned Eldest, to help relieve the boredom. I haven't visited him in months, but hopefully next month.

I've been trying to set up an account with Etsy, to sell some of my arts and crafts. No luck yet, as I have security issues with the big computer and that is the only puter in the house with which I can upload photos. I'll have to work on that issue some more.

I tried selling a few things on eBay.....eBay doesn't sell squat anymore and is nothing but a waste of time.

I continue to spend hours doing energy work on myself, visualization and massage. It's important for my well being and healing. I'm usually up till bout 3 am or so....taking care of me.

Our faithful cleaning lady has found a better job. Yikes, one of the things I must do is to find a replacement. My housekeeping skills still suck.

Lots of errands to do tomorrow.

Anyway. How's that for a quick update?

Be Well :)

Emotion, my friend

"Never apologize for showing feeling. When you do so, you apologize for the truth." Benjamin Disraeli

Emotions are the substances that make us real. They tell us who we are and where are passions lie.

For so long, I have seen in others and believed in myself, that emotions were cruel, erratic taskmasters to be surpressed, hidden and apologized for.

For far, far too long....I was deeply wrong.

Emotions are barometers, indicators of where our love, fear and passions exist. They are not wicked or evil. They need not suppression or explanation.

A healthy emotional being honors, trusts and respects their emotional content.

I used to believe all anger was bad and quite dangerous. Now, I see anger is an ally that allows me to stand up for my self, my sons and injustice.

Sadness, well, sadness unites us....to one another.

Fear and panic are signals that something is amiss...something oft from long ago, or deeply hidden.

Jealousy is a manifestation of something lacking within ourselves.

Rage, is angers older, overbearing and out of control sibling. An obvious sign of feeling helpless in some way, shape or form.

Anxiety is lack of comfort with oneself and ones surroundings.

To hide, deny and surpressed what we feel, is to forsake who we really are. There is nothing real, true or honest about that. Dare to be yourself...express who you are...hide from no one, especially yourself

The World Within

Time to engage in inside trading, sharing some of the intricate, rarely mentioned small tales of what my inner world is like.

There are many barriers, invisible electrified fences between me and any other...it's just a varying degree of layers and thickness.

Picture someone standing at a closed window unable to break the glass...seeing, silently watching...unable to figure out how the window opens.

The outside world is alien....and sometimes I am an alien onto myself.

Feelings, emotions are these estranged, sticky, foreign thingies...that are either too far away or consuming me.

Because I am unable to easily ascertain how I am feeling, emotionally speaking, I get visual clues of pictures and scenes. If I look at the scene and analyze, I can tell how I am feeling. The post Where the Walls Live, goodness, I love that title plus it is extremely apt.

I see a version of me skipping through a meadow, which indicates that overall, I am feeling pretty good. In the vision I am not trudging nor do I carry any baggage or worries. The sky is clear, blue with a spattering of bright white, distant clouds. Then that damn wall appears, out of nowhere, unexpectedly, telling me what I already knew, I have reached a block, a place I cannot go or get through with any sense of ease.

I could stand there, stuck and stymied, for days if I so desired...the wall isn't moving, so I do.

I've learned that I can muddle through paths awash in heavy rains, over small boulder strewn roads, out of pits, wells and crevices deep...one of my specialties is going over, around and through barricades...many, many barricades have there been, but I've not mastered the walls. They be too thick and fortified. There are some, albeit few, places I cannot travel. Mostly, I respect that. Sometimes I grab hammer and chisel...often I just have to wait for the wall to melt on its own accord. Timing can be everything.

Sometimes I don't know where I'm going...but the direction feels right. I started a brand new art project...and I'm not sure what it will be when I'm done.

She was a tornado, churning and twisting upon herself....safe alone in the fields, dangerous to those caught too near...knowing not her own strength or impact. Few dared draw near...fewer still, could withstand the wind....

It is very weird, at times...to suddenly find my self autistic. Hmmmm, very weird indeed.

A Broke Knee

Methinks my knee is broke. It's been paining me for almost two solid months. I know I had repeatedly bruised the inside area, but the bruises have healed. I know the Lyme D brought on horrific arthritis, but I've been medicated for weeks now. The pain is different, a constant, sharp ache.

Used to be I could find positions where it didn't hurt...not today. Motrin doesn't touch it. I haven't been able to kneel on it at all, without serious pain for lo these two months. I'm pretty sure that something within that complex compartment, located behind my patella/ kneecap is broke to the point that it won't heal on its own....or it'd be better by now.

Well, I think it's time to talk to my doctor and get a referral to the bone doctor. I'm to the point where I just might take some heavier duty meds because it just hurts that bad...interfering with my daily activities and all.

Yeah, I think that is what I will have to do. I miss kneeling, gardening, sitting cross-legged, and walking pain free.

I'll keep ya posted

Where the Walls Live

I am always autistic, but the symptoms outwardly show only 5-10% of the time. My life is like running in an open meadow and suddenly being stopped cold, by a ten foot tall wall, in all directions.

Those times, wall encounters, when I remember I have Aspergers and need help or am unable to function "normally", are frustrating. As I stand affixed to the ground, transfixed on some far way vanishing point, I remember that I am different.

I've been doing a helluva lot of passing for normal these days. Sometimes I have to work at it, other times it's a natural flow for me. As my fears and phobias have shrunk from large, looming monsters into small, muffled barking dogs, Life has become less tense....at times I may even call it "easier" and more manageable.

Then this wall appeared, out of nowhere. Hmmm, struck mute, yet again. Seems I've come across a situation that....that is emotionally painful to the point of all-stop. I am at a loss to describe it. I have no words for it. When I attempt to think about it, my mind goes blank and carries me away...like to that cherry blossom tree, over there.

I cannot address or fix, what I cannot think about or say. This Is Autistic Behavior. I'm not trying to be rude or bad, difficult or cryptic. It is a sticky place, a stuck point.

I cannot even begin to fathom how to move beyond this wall. So, like the good Aspie that I am, I turn around and find another road to travel.

It's just me. I'm okay

Turning into a Girl

I woke up, 'twas the other morn, and desperately wanted to buy a dress. Sometimes I get thoughts, ideas, hankerings and outright obsessive demands, from somewhere deep within. Today, I needed to buy a dress.

Mind you, I have not owned or wore a dress in over fifteen years. All the clothes in my closet, are boys and menswear. Surely, as with all my clothing purchases, this piece of attire was for no one but me.

I bought two dresses at the second hand store and one at the store. They are all long, past my knees, and cotton or denim. They are quite feminine, with bits of colorful embroidery here and there.

As soon as I returned home from shopping, I quickly removed the tags and put them into the wash. I practically stood there, watching and waiting, impatient. The moment the dryer stopped, I was fastly removing my boys clothes and putting on my new dress.

NICE!

This is exactly what I wanted.

I've been working on clearing out my sacral chakra, the part of the body energy system that deals with emotion, relationships, creativity and gender. Seems hidden deep within the safety of male clothing was the feminine side of me.

I can't say that I ever wanted to be female. Growing up, I hated my sex and the vulnerability that went along with it. Mothers adores their boys and hated their girls. Fathers liked their sons, but abused the daughters. Yeah, more backward, warped thinking that I had gleefully assimilated.

It was outright dangerous, frowned upon and messy, being female. I wated no part of it. None.

See, I don't feel so vulnerable and unworthy, anymore. I don't feel like every man who walks by is going to attack me, because I'm female. Men aren't as wretched and evil, as I once believed...only a very small percentage.

I'm making peace with myself. I'm taking the twisted wreckage of what my parents demonstrated and taught, and I'm...straightening it out, untangling, finding truth and a better sense of reality.

Feminine is okay. Soft, frilly, curvy, caring, compassionate, motherly. I'm not a bad thing. I haven't been born in the wrong body, just into a traumatic childhood, is all. I can outgrow that outmoded existence. I can be however it feels right to be.

This feels right.

I don't care who sees me dressed this way, or what anyone else thinks. I do this for Me:)

I'm turning into the girl that I didn't dare to be

Life is good

Be Well

Be kind to yourself:)

Unspeakable Dreams

Who would have thought I sometimes hang with liers and thieves. Lately, I dream of aggressive venomous snakes and shiny black guns. My dreams, once again, flow rich with symbolism. So much I am not at liberty to say. Uncomfortable be the princess in the tower...for Rapunzel, Rapunzel has no hair...she had to shave it off when the tic bit and her body fell into an unpleasant, heavy stupor, but at least, she still remembers her name,

Dreams are fluffy, white bunches of clouds pulled from the sky, then molded and shaped to whim. Yup, my hands be full of cloudy bits and pieces.

Today was a Mighty suck...three strikes, three sins, three mistakes and I retreat to the dugout built in the side of that hill where the sun doth shine unless I ask it to.

Ahhh, feeling helpless and small...trampled and stepped on. Damn you oh accursed elephants! If only I could find the key, that I freely gave away. If only I could muster...a charge up that hill...but I have no idea what is on the other side...but whispy dreams and fairy tale wishes.

Realigning my strength, trying not to think...too hard about that present.

I really feel my physical hiatus should be done now...really. Three weeks and counting..searching for even half of normal. Sigh..very, very frustrated. Someone start this carnival back up so I can mess with the carnies. And enjoy elephant ears and weasel-on-a-stick. The princess demands it...oh, if wishes were horses...ride, ride, ride

Nough said

God Grant Me

The ability to fully support myself, financially and emotionally

Help me to change the unhealthy habits and thought patterns

Show me my strengths over and over and over again, until I firmly believe in them

Guide me in my quest to be a loving, thoughtful parent

And watch them when my back is turned

Or I am far away

Teach me about my personal power

Hide me from unscrupulous, dishonest people

Open my eyes to positive possibilities

Help me to forgive my own mistakes

As I have forgiven others who have forsaken, hurt me

Allow me to learn from my lessons

May the kingdom of awareness and knowledge shine upon me

May we always walk together as One

Smile upon me

Always

My Sister Joy

Hard to believe, my sister Joy, would have been 46 years old today. Older brother 50, me 49, brother 47, Joy 46, sister 44.....the top five of the clan.

Joy died over ten years ago, in a freak car accident. It makes me quite sad. She was a wonderful, kind, caring being who loved life, and her children. She was strong, had good, working vocal chords and said what she meant. She was quite independent and liked to help strays, me. I lived with her and her young daughter for awhile. Joy helped me find a job and helped me find myself.

I try not to think about how great it would be to have her to talk to and be around. She and I could hang.

I loved my sister and she loved me. Rest in peace Love, rest in peace

Healing Assistance

So, I know this woman who does healing bodywork. I'd worked with her a couple of times before, then she moved away. We reconnected and I made an appointment.

Long story short, I asked her to lay her hands on my sacral chakra which is located around the navel. It felt like all my energy was blocked right there and try as I might, I had been unable to move it or figure out what issue was stuck there.

No sooner did she lay her hands down and the very strong statement, "I'm scared" poured from my lips. The visual image was very much like the thin, sickly and frightened Golem from the Lord of the Rings series fame.

I'm scared. Full of fear. Afraid of everything and everyone. It was as if all the extraneous fear scattered throughout my body had found a secure home, wrapped tightly within.

Suddenly, I became aware of how large, looming and all-encompassing fear had been throughout my early life. I was afraid of people, of being alone, of being lost,mof someone touching me, of someone never touching me, fear of footsteps and poisoned food....afraid...that my dad was going to kill me...because he said, over and over and over again, as we sat on the edge of the bed sharing a candy bar....that if I ever told anyone what he and I did, if I ever said anything about how much we loved each other...that he would kill me in my sleep by cutting my throat or suffocating me with a pillow. He said it would be really easy for him to do, and that he didn't want to have to do it, but he would...because mom and everyone else would be sooooo jealousy that he spent all his time alone with me at night.

I was scared because of how much I've written about the secrets lately. Didn't feel safe, hiding under beds...he always said he would find me.

Well, that was over forty years ago.

Processing....

Not much...how about you

I'm still deeply ensconced in this swinging pendulum of Lyme induced freakish sleep patterns. It always carries an insomniatic twist and is unlike anything that I have ever experienced before. The most probable nighttime pattern, is to sleep for an hour or two. However, this week has proven to take sleep disturbances to a whole new level. I can be awake for two entire days and nights without feeling tired at all. Then what follows is almost two days of solid sleep, or wanting to anyway.

Thank heavens my arthritic knee pain has abated. It is still around just to a very minor degree. The fatigue seems to be omnipresent. I have little energy the majority of time. I'm just happy when I have the ability to keep little guy and myself bathed, fed and somewhat entertained.

I've spent considerable resting time listening to chakra singing bowls by 12soundsolutions on YouTube. Omg, my chakras are opening and healing in pronounced and dramatic ways. Thus, my time really hasn't been wasted.

I've pondered and learned A Lot about where I am in this life, how I got here and where to go next. I love it when the mindfog clears and I can clearly see the chess board before and who has played what. Developing a strategy for healthier living:)

I'm listening to my body and doing what I can to heal. Currently that means big time rest. I am happy to report that I do feel progress and I feel less sick inside, if that makes sense. I be ambling up that road to recovery slowly but surely:)

Be Well

Helpless

I have lived my whole life completely and utterly helpless. I was helpless to the starvation and neglect, helpless to stop the abuse and convenient, deadend relationships. I stood on the corner and was hit by whatever flew by. If someone stopped their car, said "get in", I went along for the ride.

I have never stood on my own. I have always relied on someone else to come along to show me the way. Yup, I have been nothing but a passenger on someone else's journey. Of course, that means I have been lead down back alleys among other unseemly places.

Always been a rider, never a driver.

I've told myself for years, that I can't do this or I'm incapable of doing that...the same "I'm helpless" message stuck on perpetual repeat. I've gotten quite used to believing that about myself...that I'm helpless and need rescuing.

The passenger wants to take the wheel.

I didn't know it was possible for me to have dreams and aspirations, I had always signed on to someone else's list.

God, can I even think for myself?

Can I make a decision completely on my own?

Isn't it time I Trusted Myself, honored my own thoughts and found out what my dreams were so I could follow them?

What a foreign concept.

I have been latching on, like lamprey to carp far too long.

If I had a choice...no, since I have a choice about where I want to take my life....Where do I want to go?!

Eye Contact and Body Language

I'm really more in belief of the theory that Aspies don't make eye contact because we see too much. Being a visual species, eye contact contains a plethora of often overwhelming information. I can see when people carry deep pain, or when they are bored, angry or disappointed. I can see when they are happy to see me or wish they were somewhere else.

It's a gamble, eye contact. I want to see all the positives, but the negatives can be too saddening.

I have seen a number of things. Someone wore "dead eyes", telling me that I was unworthy, disappointing, of no worth or value to them.

I see sparkles of happiness or " I'm glad to see you" in the most unlikely places, often times those clerks at the store that I enjoy chatting with.

I can see where peoples are satisfied with their life and the direction it is going.

Troubled eyes bother me, when I don't know if it's at all about me or some other facet of ones life.

So many people have such pain. Hmmm, I wonder if that is one reason that I couldn't look in the mirror for lo these many years.

I think I avoid eye contact when I don't want to see too much into someone else's life, or it hurts too much. Often I don't want to share, give away so much of what is going on inside of me, either.

Body Language, BL

Again, being a visual species once learned, BL can be mastered by the Aspie. I remember reading quite a few books on the subject in high school. It is quite interesting and fairly easy to learn, once you acquire the basics. Of course, sometimes when I am passionately engaged in speaking, I completely forget to look for clues and I have been known to misread them. Overall, I find it, BL a useful indicator of a persons mood and feeling. I highly recommend reading books or Internet articles regarding body language.

Eldest wrote and said that he is enjoying the television show "The Mentalist" because there is a lot of information regarding body language and postures.

Body Language signs and meanings can be learned and are a useful tool for autistics.

I'm Sorry...regarding apologies

There are some people, who are polite, who easily apologize. There are others who apologizes way too much, to their own detriment. Usually it's those who have low self-esteem and feel unworthy.

I would have previously, fallen into the latter category.

The people to be most weary of are those who never or very rarely, apologize. They are the control freaks who crave power and are never wrong.

Just something I've noticed

Lyme Disease and Insomnia

I slept 1 hour last night, Seriously. I haven't even been tired today. Bedtime approaches and I am nothing near feeling sleepy. Methinks I shall phone my doctor in the morn. This symptom feels so very bizarre.

I did lookup on the inet and this is a rather common complaint with having Lyme D.

I'm too weary to be anything near productive. I rest as much as I can to help me body rid this ill.

I've been thinking quite a bit...all those hours awake and all. I have faith that the wind is blowing with me, not against me. I know that I am more capable than I have been. I am a series of ready-to-be-tapped resources.....good thing as opportunity is knocking.

Take Care Friends....sleep tight. Lololololol

The chakras

Root- smoothly flowing, happy, content, nurturing, I am nourished by life, the universe supplies all my needs, I accept nourishment, I am grateful to be here, I trust my physical body and feel my own body, I am Me

Sacral- two cymbals gently clang, over and over again, awakening, awareness, summoning

Solar Plexus- I am my own sun, I reclaim my personal power, no one owns me but me, my outlook is happy and bright, smile

Heart- within my hands and within myself is all the love that I need, I glow from within

Throat-a door starting to open

Brow-observing, categorizing, pointing and making notes

Crown-looking up, I am one with spirit

It's amazing how much has changed, within the short span of a week or two.I see that when one person in a family changes, everyone else does too. Growth is not necessarily a singular sport. I can see how my every little interaction with others is different. Others are effected by my energy and mode. People appear more pleasant and smile more. Heck, I smile a whole lot more.

My Lyme disease has given me the impetus and time to clear out my energy system as well as my body, of old, unhealthy thought patterns.

I firmly believe that positive affirmations can have profound changes, Once all the garbage (read...build up of repressed emotions) are acknowledged and released.

Listening and believing what my body feels is Huge, new and needs to be consciously expanded.

I love people, friends in healthy ways. Wow, I can actually say that out loud...cool.

I continue to reclaim my personal power. It's like I was born with a handful of keys and I kept giving them away until I was empty-handed. Everyone else could run me, use me but me. That was the choice that I had made. It's getting different now.

Life is good...I'm good:)

Secrets, Lies, Trust and the absence thereof

Why does it feel like, as I get healthier and more secure, it feels like everything around me is trembling and shaking in unpredictable patterns.

My awareness....makes me more conscious of the instability and lack of trust around me.

Too many lies

I Trust What My Body Is Telling Me...I Believe Me

This has been my mantra lo these past couple of days. Today it was truly put to the test.

I went to my pharmacy to get my non-effective, generic drug changed to a medicine that actually works. The FDA says that both drugs have the same effect. My body told me otherwise...I listened and trusted what my body was telling me.

My pharmacist was in a tizzy, frustrated, uncertain, constantly begging the assistance of the other pharmacist with her eyes and body language.

Me, little empathetic, no-worth me, really wanted to resort to the old way of thinking and apologize for the inconvenience. The old me wanted to say, "ah, don't bother, it's just me. I have odd reactions to things. Let's just call the whole thing off." I really had to...I don't want to say fight but I had to work strongly to believe my self, to believe what my body was telling me.

I stood my ground, unwaveringly, even with terribly sore knees and body. I believed my body...I believed Me:)

It took 10-15 minutes before the pharmacist could locate the right pill information. Never once did I apologize...big accomplishment on my part. When she did make the necessary changes, I did not thank her, because she was just doing her job. But I heartily, warmly congratulated her on solving the problem. She still looked pretty flustered but that's not my problem.

I am committed to getting healthier, physically And emotionally.

Today I took a very big step in that direction.

The Reset Button

Last week, when I had the whole week to myself, I figured out a number of things. Not having an agenda, chores or anyone to answer to...gave me time to discover who I am and what I have been doing. It was incredibly freeing and peaceful. Even all my animals who tend to meow, pace and beg...became very peaceful.

The cats never mowed or begged once. The dog never asked for this or that. All three of them, like me, we're at peace...knowing ...understanding that all their needs would be met, even though the timetable had changed.

Hmm, isn't that interesting how I change and then those around me change also?

My son arrived home bouncing off the walls. The next day, after he had settled down, he wanted nothing more than to sit next to me, give me kisses and be by my side. See, he could feel my inner peacefullness and calm, also.

I think that you can only find yourself...when you are not obligated to anyone or anything. I had time to do whatever I wanted, I chose to listen to my soul and work on healing my body. I did a fantastic job.

The biggest thing was realizing how very much I enjoyed absolutely nothing. The daily noise from things is actually very annoying and distracting.

The other biggie was....I. Slowed. Down. Literally, I stopped rushing and being in a hurry to do this or that. As my one friend said, "it will all get done". I realized she was right. I left all worries and expectations outside. It was amazing.

I found out who I am. I discovered what behaviors and thought patterns needed to be changed and I grew.

More to come

Keep thinking positive

Gluten-free Crackers

I had my first cracker in over a year and a half, yesterday. Or, dare I say, my first cracker that actually tastes like a cracker.

Schar GF free Cheese Bites are crackers that taste Great. I had tried a number of other crusty, crackly, cardboard-like thingys that called themselves crackers, but they weren't edible by any stretch of the imagination.

I am so happy! I cracked open a can of my favorite chicken and rice soup and through a handful of Cheese Bites on top.....Heaven!

I'm just sayin

Generic vs Non-Generic, Not The Same, Medication

I started my antibiotics last week. My pharmacy didn't have enough doxycycline, so they gave me enough for a few days. When I returned to get the remaining pills, they were generic. The first batch was a brilliant blue color. These last ones are pale beige. Supposedly the beige is the generic equivalent. Not true.

When I ingested the blue, my hypersensitive system registered a reaction. About twenty minutes after taking blue, there was this little inner heat wave along with some subtle nausea. My intestional system also registered the standard antibiotic reaction and became....freer.

I take beige...and I get absolutely nothing. My body has zero reaction. In the three days since starting beige, my Lyme symptoms have all returned. Blue actually stopped, temporarily cured my arthritic knees, painful joints, headaches and swollen lymph nodes.mi could be up, semi-functional and moving about.

Since taking beige...the generic....I've gone completely downhill. I'm back where I started. I feel cheated and frustrated.

Once again, what someone says is perfectly sound and alright, in this case the FDA, is Absolutely Not.

Once again, my body speaks truth and I listen.

My Lyme Disease will not be cured taking the beige sugar pills. I'm not sure about my rights but I will march to my pharmacy with a smile on my face, a gentle voice and a determined nature. I will, once Again, be in charge of my own healing. I will see if I can get the beige changed to blue.

You know, it really makes me wonder...how many perfectly legal but completely inept generic meds are out there being ingested by the unsuspected public. How many people are failing to heal because their medication is inferior? Superbugs makes sense.

Damn, this seems so epidemically Wrong and downright criminal, but it is all perfectly legal.

Be wary, listen to your body.

Cleansing and Clearing Out

That's what I have been doing. Harvesting all the deadwood, unhealthy ideals and sickening thought patterns that I have held onto and thoroughly, deeply believed.

Does the process of healing feel good? Not by any means, but it is the only way.

I reread and examine those thoughts I carried with me, like treasured artifacts...unwilling to part with. We've spent so much time together, me and my unhealthy ideals.

I wanted to heal and I am.

I was willing to search for, find what was broken and throw it out, I did.

Whilst I still woke up in tears this afternoon, I feel a positive shift in my cosmos.

I went outside barefoot, for the first time since my diagnosis. Ticks made me rethink how I was living and change what wasn't working.

I'm not afraid of ticks and fear is no longer allowed to run my life and yes, grass is still sticky feeling, but pleasant.

I feel pretty wiped out. I did a tremendous amount of work, last night alone. Should take a good week or two to process all the positive ramifications.

I build a fire, burning away what I no longer need or desire. Walking away, I feel warmth

The One Friend Theory...loneliness

Aspies highly value their friendships. To find someone with whom they can completely be themselves, to allow the walls, barriers and barricades to drop, is such a blessing, a relief.

The years, the nights spent in the thick fog of loneliness, praying and pleading for someone of worth to come along and hold out their hand.....an Aspie only needs one true friend for that entire realm of loneliness to go away.

A prayer answered is highly cherished. Aspie doesn't need a dozen, a handful or even a few. Every Aspie craves one person in this alien world to be able to communicate with. It seems like such a small, small request...but it's near impossible to accomplish.

It's hard to see and hear others doing this, going there, engaging in that....when one was not born with the mechanism or know how to inquire, to speak, to exchange pleasantries, share a joke, go out to eat.

I used to kinda talk down about my son who had just the one friend...hmmm, now I get it. Now I understand why one friend can mean so much.

Because that was all he needed to feel good about himself and his place in the world.

One friend cures loneliness. That simple.

Friendship is such an enormous gift. I wish I knew the secret formula

Must be feeling rather isolated, locked in.

I mean, some, probably most have family members available,that care or that they can count on. I don't...haven't for years...but I do remember what it was like.

Hmm, I used to have a half dozen people's I could drop in on, call or see a movie with. Damn, just guess I felt like suffering tonight. Damn, that was probably the best thing about my immediate and extended family. Someone cared, someone wanted to talk with...sometimes even asking for advice or my Opinion. Wow...why did I give that up again? At this moment that seems like heaven.Damn. Something just isn't working for me. Frolicking in the depths of despair. Remembering...wondering...

I know I'm not the only one

I just wish I could make me and every one who feels like this better..because god its awful.

Nothing like pouring my heart out at 5am

I wonder if anyone knows I'm here

Find Me

I used to play a game...I'd go outside, to park or woods and wait for someone to find me...or notice I was missing. Those summer days, as a child, completely off and alone...and no one ever came looking.

I used to play a game, when I was a teenager. I'd walk off to the playground or woods, sit and wait to see if anyone noticed I was gone. Those summer nights long, dark, peaceful, lonely. No one ever looked.

I used to play a game, when I was married. I'd drive off to the store, for hours. Returning I was not really missed.

I used to play a game, when I was an adult...because I learned it as a child. No one calls or comes looking. Nothing has changed.

True story

Too much time awake

Methinks too much with mind awake and body tired.

Strange, dark and gloomy feelings in the midst. It took me a few moments to realize that it is my old and cherished friend, loneliness.

Loneliness: the want of another; wanting someone who likes you to be near, to converse with, to share with...hoping it will be awhile before they get really irritating and you have to send them off.

Damn, hadn't communed with loneliness...for awhile.

Just realized that I have had one outside conversation that week. It also dawned on me that no one has called. No hounds of love or like looking for me....again.

Guess summer is a busy time...peoples want to spend it with family.

So if you don't have family, you are kinda screwed. If you don't rake high up on that ladder of priority And tell me...how many friends can rate anywhere...even close..to beloved family?

Is it so much to be wanted?

I don't think I was ever wanted

Came into this world, arms outstretched....no one on that receiving end. There was no one there. Guess I have a little predisposition to loneliness, feeling lost and unwanted. Sigh

Not sure how to fix that one

What kind of rug or lumber can you buy to cover up That hole.

How do you make peoples care about you?

How do you get thems to want to be around you?

Seems a lifelong problem I haven't figured out yet

I have never felt wanted...unless someone wanted to use me

Few value my company

Very, very, very few

Lyme and Whine, Festivals and Frenzy

I'm rolling with the unexpected bouts of insomnia or sudden tiredness. I'm not entirely convinced my now generic antibiotic is working as well as the non-generic pills I started off taking. The arthritis in my news has flared with a vengeance. My energy level has fallen as well. If this keeps up overthe weekend I'll check in with my doc and see what she says.

My little town of 7,000 has doubled in size with the summer residents and tourists. All of my familiar haunts and stores, even the streets are filled with uncertainty. It's like all the normal, predictable patterns from traffic flow, to where to park at the grocstore, the sights and outfits people wear, even the very sounds of different voices, pitch and accent have all my Aspie senses ..well...upset and confused. I don't like it one bit.

I'm hesitant to go out anywhere. The craze of chaotic traffic patterns from those unfamiliar with our town layout, is so obvious to me. Nothing moves as it used to. It's like I'm standing, driving in a foreign city where all the rules, sights and sounds have suddenly changed. Somewhat discerning and distressing, no doubt.

I wasn't make it into the actual grocstore. My usual parking spot was unavailable, lost amongst a sea of RVs and trailers with boats. I saw no familiar patterns or manner of dress in those crowds walking to and fro the store. I found absolutely nothing familiar or safe...so I left. Same story at the only other grocstore....so I went home, empty-handed...didn't need that hamburger anyway.

I don't feel like doing anything, so I won't.

Enjoy your weekend:)

Putty

I have been putty, shapeless, formless, easy to mold, unable to stand on my own. When I was an autistic 3, I hurt so bad, physically and emotionally, that I quit life. I withdrew wanting no part of this. I became putty and for all intents and purposes, lifeless, an empty vassal.

People around me were freely allowed to use and abuse me, God knows I didn't care. The pattern of putty continued through my life with every relationship I stumbled or was roped into. I had no sense of self and always did what I was told to appease and please. It was just the nature I chose.

See, it really was a conscious choice to disengage from the world, from my self and from my soul. No one made me do it. How can I hate and blame my abusers when I easily gave permission?

Diligently have I worked, especially these past few months, to discover the root causes of my current sickly state of being. And yea I have found them. Now it's time to examine them...awareness is the first key to fixing anything....and bring them out into the light for closer examination.

For starters, I choose to connect to this body and this life. I take hold of the recklessly errant power cord and I connect.

Strange, I never knew that life, the universe had anything to give me...that I was entitled to an abundance of energy, love and support. I accept that now. Head bows and those little bells go off.

I freely gave away all my personal power. Enough. My personal power is now for me, and me alone.

I used to think that I needed and required someone else to support me emotionally, financially, physically....that was me being putty...no more. I have been given all the energy and resources to completely stand on my own two feet and care completely for myself. The open door...the crack in my character whereby all could come, manipulate and go, is shut. I am fully capable of meeting all of my needs. The piranhas have to find a fresh source of raw meat, cause it ain't me anymore.

I forgive my self...I forgive myself for the neglect, the allowing, for literally giving myself away and becoming a tool. I chose this path. Now, I choose another.

I reclaim me, as I grab a lightning bolt in hand and thrust it into the earth before me. Everything will change...for the betterment of me, I claim and regale me.

I did not come to this World helpless....it was the path I freely chose.

No one is more important than me. I give up being Putty.

I gently release all the thoughts, feelings and ideals of others that I ave agreed to carry. Go on now...they are not mine. They took up space that was meant for me.

I am not full of holes or gaping wounds, anymore. I close and bandage the openings with sense of self, with love, honor and respect for my self, my feelings, thoughts and beliefs.

No one else owns me, now.

Funny, so close to the fourth of July...I claim my own independence.

I don't need anyone but I choose to enjoy the company of others and share. I gather and acknowledge my own power but I do not laud or use and abuse it over others. I have always had respect for individuals and the choices they make. That has not changed.

I don't lean anymore, or require someone to prop me up and think and decide for me. I was gifted with all the right ingrediants to decide for myself and lead my own life.

Thank you 3, for the choices you made which were absolutely appropriate at the time. It was the only survival tool in my arsenal, back then.

A howling, screaming, rushing up of the pipe now open. Time to go for a ride into awareness.

Thanks for reading. Be well, be yourself:)

Living alone

Circumstances are such that I have the house completely to myself, going on three days now.

I really like it. I have no expectations and no one to answer to. I'm not working to appease or please anyone but me. I sleep, eat, dress and do whatever I fancy. I've found out a lot about me. I like who I am.

There is no hurry, no stress or worry. I don't believe I have ever, ever been in this place before.

I've been rudimenting...happily on some recent experiences. I have been making peace and understanding the part of me that was three years old and disconnected from the outside world. I comprendo. Normal likes noise. Most people seem to relish or have become accustomed to incessant, irritating noise, televisions and such. Ninety percent of my alonetime has been in absolute silence, save the sound of my own breath and quiet murmurings to myself. I like quiet.

My appetite and sleep "schedule" are still very skewed due to the Lyme D. Seems I wait until dawn to even attempt anything resembling sleep. Methinks Lyme + nightly childhood incest are equally responsible for the heavy insomnia.

I eat when hungry and sleep whenever, as long as its after dawn.

I realized that I am attractive, fun, niceable, desirable and a very good, caring person.

I found someone who cares and loves me For No Reason...not to use, abuse, manipulate or tower over. It's earth shattering, heaven quaking and extremely cool.

I can feel love....another newbie as the mechanism for lovelove was previously seriously broken, busted, clogged and not at all working. I spend a lot of time in this awareness.

Angels walk the earth, in human form. I should know, I've met at least two.

Trust is a two-handled glass. Trust is the basis of any good, healthy relationship. I almost lost someone I cared very much about. It wasn't that her handle on the glass was slipping, rather, due to questionable circumstances, I was getting ready to release the handle on my end. I did not want this relationship to end and addressed the issue much satisfactorily. I feel good about that.

I'm not afraid of ticks or going outdoors. I refuse to allow fear to run my life anymore. I have a new regiment that includes tick checks, insect repellant and better hygienic practices.

I know not what tomorrow brings, but I ain't gonna worry about it.

I'm adopting healthier mental attitudes as well.

Since my medication disallows exposure to sunshine, I took Lady Abigail, my SUV, to the shaded cemetery and walked a bit till it became too hot. It's been around 90 the past couple of days.

What I notice most these past few days....calmness and absence of rush. I feel pretty darn pleasant, overall:)

Just wanted to share. Thanks for reading:)

More deer tics

I found two more ticks on me today. One was on my neck, the other in my clothes. I've bathed and changed clothes twice. I cut off most of my hair and will have the rest formally shaved off with my hairdresser tomorrow.

Online research netted a natural repellant, eucalyptus oil. So I've heavily applied a mixture allll over. I've got to get this tick problem under control.

Deer ticks are tiny, about the size of a sesame seed, but black. I'm on the job

Healing a Broken Root Chakra

Being down with the fatigue of Lyme Disease, LD, has its positives. I have been spending hour after hour trying to get my body to talk to me....or maybe I'm just learning to listen.

A multitude of painful sexual abuse memories have surfaced, all dealing with the ages of 3-6 years old. These experiences have had a large impact on my core beliefs and how I portrayed myself to be.

As I remember...so I heal

My body, physically and emotionally, had been heavily damaged. The past few years, I have been physically ill more than I have been well. And they have been rare and unusual ailments. I started off in 2009 with gall bladder surgery (I have a hereditary disposition toward gall bladder disease), followed shortly thereafter by a severe vitamin deficiency that had me bed ridden for a month or two. Then the abrupt emergence of shingles on my face showed up, with the rare and....challenging disease of lichen sclerosis taking over my life for many months and till this day. Still no known cause, no known cure.

Two months ago, I dislocated a small disc in my jaw, irritating my main facial nerve causing extreme pain for about a week. A few weeks later, I could eat and talk normally.

Now, now, now, I deal with my Lyme D which I contracted from a tick bite about a month ago. My main symptoms express as sudden, severe arthritis of the joints, generalized and unremitting fatigue, extreme insomnia that allows me only a few hours of deep slumber a day, periodic headaches, swollen lymph nodes, aching all over and hyper skin sensitive are the most ore eland symptoms.

So I have been exploring my root chakra, the lowest part of my abdomen, searching for answers. Our root chakra keeps us grounded, connected and healthy. Most, if not all my ailments are stationed in my pelvic area.

I listen...I search

Today...I finally started feeling the lower area of my body being warmed by energy and circulation. I had cut off, disowned my body, below the waist. It was a survival mechanism usefull in those younger years because I simply could not handle all the painful physical sensations.

Thoughts, phrases really, arose.

As I spoke aloud...great healing, tables turning, blockages released.

"I believe everything my body feels"

"I trust my body's feelings"

"I listen and honor what my body feels"

Wheels are turning, energy is flowing.....I'm beginning to see dawn breaking

More later...me need rest

I understand Fatigue

Since I've come down with Lyme Disease, LD, I have finally realized what "fatigue" really means.

Without benefit of a looksee in Webster's, I'd like to try and define fatigue.

It's a physical heaviness, weariness, trepidation. It's a body-bone-muscle, purely physical tiredness where my body craves inertia and rest. Every movement has to be precalculated...is it worth the aftermath? The intensity of fatigue after the deed/ exertion is done? How hungry am I? Can it wait? What is quickest to grab and snarf down?

Most important is rest, strictly timed medication and fluids.

Hmmm, I went out in the yard and played, laid in the grass...listening to the birds, feeling the sun through the leaves, carefully examining blades of grass and blooms of colors. I desperately needed to be off the couch, outta bed and into natures soul and solace. I can only dirge four walks and television duo for so long before it makes me numb and crazy.

The insomnia is odd, as well...completely not of normal symptomology. My mind is always casually awake. I can drift off for small intervals of usually an hour or less. My normal dose of meds hastens not sleep. I don't fight the insomnia...just accepting it for what it is....a minor symptom of the LD that will abate soon.

Ahhh, I've started watching weird late night television, when holding a book is too much work. I've started watching "Breaking Bad"...quite strange, "Wilfred" even stranger, perplexing, a constant questionng of what reality Really is. That's about it. Mostly I lay and drift, resting my body on its way ack to health.

IDK...just felt like writing, sharing...Be Well

The Root Cause continues...The Unforgiven

I've read, once or twice, from those sage healed-in-the-know, that all illness arises from unforgiveness. I didn't buy it, at first. Then it slowly started making sense.

I was able to forgive those who seriously harmed me. I have been working on forgiving myself,which seems infinitely harder...unless I can figure out the why.

I devolved deep within

I hadn't forgiven myself for allowing my father to hurt me so...for so long. Why didn't I stop him....

It's like, the part of my self that was so tormented and abused, hadn't forgiven the older, grown up part of me that should have protected.

Hmm, guess that this is part ll of the root cause...seems more complicated . Not just one bandaid is needed, but at least two

The Root Cause

My illness has forced me to slow down, mostly lay down, the greater part of day and night. With the prominence of inertia, my mind has time to wander and solve.

Visually speaking, of course...long have I fought my way through the labyrinth of caverns. Swatting away the thick walls of web. Hot, sweaty, sweltering and raining with tears, I have sought the answer to the root cause of my body's suffering and incessant ills.

It's as if the part of me that is connected to the omnipotent constant river of life, energy and such, has been broken, busted, preventing me from healing and optimal health.

I have found the reason, the blockage, the wheel that needs opening...a gold key amongst the musty, thick and charred remains. So vivid the feel, the sight, as if I actually be there. It's like the walls of a very deep and dreadful well with leaking, slimy walls, cracks that darn not sprout life, the smell of fetid sewer.

I remember being quite, quite young...looking around, not liking what I say....my family, peoples, emotions being flung like weapons, strings...attachments ensnaring. I wanted no part of that.

Hmmm...I describe what I saw, understanding now, that I saw what most dare not or cannot see.

My small brain figured the only way to safety was to escape these entrapments...never become attached to those around me.

And I ....disconnected