I saw my gynecologist who put me on low dose estrogen And testosterone cream. I made her promise I wouldn't turn into a hermaphrodite....part male, part female.
Lichen does very much seem like a cruel, hideous, hidden disease. It attacks the most beautiful part of being female...taking it all away, turning one into nothing more than a castrated, castigated being. Not knowing the cause or reasoning behind it. Like punching villains in the dark, blindfolded. Hard to image...a part of me could get so pained and leave.
I don't talk about it much. Not conversational material. Who wants to hear about the most intimate, insidious of dilemmas? Honestly, I try not to think about it...at times I deny or work on forgetting about it...because of how bad and awful the disease makes me feel....like a walking testimony to failure. Like, I caused this to avoid interaction, sexuality and femininity. Like I'm being punished by a most evil deity who spat me into the hell of here and this body. Like I've really, really done something bad and this is the ultimate in private, personal punishment. No one is allowed to see me, to get close enough. It's even difficult for me to show my doctor...how much I've lost...what's been taken away...what's gone..how I feel, at such a deep loss.
Hidden, private pain, disfigurement, tormented sadness and grief.
I wish I had an answer, magic key or incantation....it's so...mysterious, the reason, the cause. I hate it when I can't find what I'm looking for...what does exist, somewhere.
A disease with no known cause or cure, just different treatments to try....all having failed
Yeah, I'm a bit frustrated, distant, aloof in my own inner dimension, set apart, made different, contracting strange, rare and difficult to diagnose ailments....ha,my own private hell
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