In the past two years with the new therapist, the first six months were devoted to checking therapist out, building a little trust and learning each others communication methods. Then the DID emerged, as well as the memories.
We have been working on a memory...seems like 9 sessions out of 10. The flashbacks started out as rather "simple" and have been systematically moving into more intensity, more emotion and much more somatic, physical. The memories are downright brutal, at times. While I realize the process, I visually see the mem, my body feels it, the emotions emerge, then we take it to therapy and talk about it.....they are more painful. They also are briefer, few linger longer than the therapy session, and I can semi-contain the mems so my everyday life is much more functional.
I'm no longer consumed by the flashbacks for extended periods of time.
I've noticed that they have become much more difficult to verbalize. A majority of my newest memories revolve around the pre-5 age range. I'm sure that has something to do with it. Try putting words to unspeakable acts with a three year olds vocabulary. Yeah, right.
I, also, have...less control or preconceived ideas about what will get discussed in therapy. It's like, I used to have a list on my internal bulletin aboard about items to be discussed. Well, the board has been torn down and is no where to be found. I'm not quite used to the lack of control. I basically have no idea which direction, or what will be talked about in therapy. And things happen quicker. I seem to switch on a dime and fly off into the great unknown. I'm still trying to adjust to that. Have to trust the system more...and therapist.
Geez, I didn't realize how much Has changed in therapy these past two months, until I started writing.
I experience new physical symptoms. I didn't realize I had the ability to dissociate single body parts. There are times I can't feel my foot or hand. Quite unsettling. Seems bad memories get isolated in body parts, so that part is dissociated so it doesn't feel the awful memory. At some point...yeah, right, in order to be whole....I'm going to have to feel that awfulness. Must not be ready yet.
I've accepted that I just have to go through, talk about and reexperience the traumas. It's logically what has to be done. It's the only way to heal. After working on healing the past couple years, it's somewhat of a warped routine. The only way out. The only way to heal. I get that, now. Don't make it any easier. Doesn't matter if I like it or don't....it is what it is. I choose to move forward.
Sigh. It's not a boring, predictable life. Each day is a new adventure. Thanks for reading.
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