People have forever accussed me of faking my illnesses or manipulating being sick to get attention. That Has Never Been The Case.
Yes, I get sick an extraordinary amount of time but there are two very valid reasons for this.
In my reading, as I previously said, it is not Uncommon for children and survivors of severe abuse to frequently be sick. The physical toll of repeated, weekly rape, sodomy and assault weakens a persons immune system. The constant fear and stress of repeated trauma seriously lowers a persons immunity.
I have done nothing wrong. I never have faked being sick. My illness are real and from my abuse And my autism, which causes shutdowns and tiredness of its own accord.
Picture yourself running a marathon All the Time, for days, weeks and years. A body can only handle so much and that's not even counting the emotional distress from constant fear.I have continually blamed my illnesses on my erratic eating habits, food choices, negative rudimentary thinking patterns, ...basically, I have thought that they were all my fault and if I had been a better person I wouldn't be sick so much. Yes, I have blamed myself, most erroneously, for every ailment!
I have felt guilt-ridden, lazy, stupid and completely to blame.
Yikes!!!
So, my body is really okay....even quite normal, if you will.
I absolve myself of all blame and guilt.
Being sick is not a reason to beat myself up.
It is a very normal reaction. I acknowledge and understand and Validate my body's illnesses.
It makes sense. I will no longer feel bad when I get sick.
Manipulation
Why on Gods green earth would I ever think I was manipulative? I know it's something others have Accussed me of...but maybe they had their own selfish and misguided reasons for saying that.
I have always had unusual and erratic behavior due to autism and abuse.
Hmmm, this one still stymies me. Why would I ever manipulate someone? For what purpose and ends?
Yeah, somehow I got this erroneous thought pattern stuck in my head.
And let me tell, I have been falsely accussed.
On Being Genuine
So much of my life, I have felt like an actor in a very tragic play. I think that, especially with my autism, I don't know How I am supposed to behave, interact or react when I am with others.
Just because I have tried fitting in by guessing what others wanted me to be, doesn't make me disingenuine....it means that I was just trying to fit in and not stand out so much.
Because I worked so hard to keep the secrets and hide the autism....I didn't feel like I was being me.
Being me has always been completely unacceptable.
Sigh
Ouch
Truth hurts
Well, that's how I have felt.
Like an actor, in a staged production where no one gave me a script, so I tried reading off of others scripts.....or following verbal or nonverbal cues...sometimes to my detriment as they were poor excuses for humans.
Wow...I question even who I am a lot these past few days.
I know I'm in here....somewhere, under everyone else's coats, castoffs and suitcases filled with garbage.
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