I saw my doctor today for a number of reasons, one to try and get some sleep meds. I'll be trying a new drug, hopefully a good and smooth drug to slip off into that happy "dreamtime" I have heard so much about.
I have two or three issues with sleep that I haven't been able to come to terms with. The childlike part of me that refuses and doesn't feel safe, is up all night wandering, keeping watch and avoiding the memories. Sigh. That has been prevelant for a couple months now and my therapist and I haven't been able to get near enough to get a grip on that elusive, fraid, part. Methinks that be the main reason for the insomnia, as I seem to sleep ok during daylight hours.
The Lyme continues to wipe me out and put me down for hours at a stretch or days at a time. If I look closely enough, I believe I see a slight formula of x amount of physical activity and exertion = probability of feeling that telltale Lyme exhaustion.
The third reason for the sleeplessness may be in part to my over active mind. Lots of mulling, problem awareness, solution searching and general anxiety taking place.
So, I'm kept pretty entertained.
Physically, I'm a bit concerned with some new symptoms. Abdominal pain coupled with certain foods tasting so bad I cannot eat, are the most bothersome, along with dizziness, shakiness and overall feeling unwell. I'll have some tests done on Monday to look into that.
Emotionally,...well that's the biggest Pandoras box. Lots going on. I continue to experience extreme loneliness and lostness as if I've lost sight of the road....but then, the road was never real, anyway.
I continually search, dwell on and replay memories of peoples that have loved me. Seems very important to find these snippets and hold on tightly. Maybe I'm not as quite "with the world", the outside world these days, because of that. My disassociation is back in high gear so life is a choppy, rough sea mingled with blank spots. Oh well, old mechanisms are hard to break, handy, sometimes necessary and a big part of who I am. I'll never beat myself up for self-preserving, and that's what it be.
I wrestle with independence. I think I've spent too much time relying on others. There seems to be no outside connect for me these days. I'm pretty tightly wrapped and wound around myself. I'm the only one I trust. I'm working on trusting myself more and blaming myself less. Tall order. I've been a scapegoat since the day I was born. I have blamed, or accepted the blame so often....I'm chock full of it. People use me because of that....well, I have freely been allowing it. My self worth seems tied to how much others can use or take from me. See, I'm full of blame.
I can't figure out why anyone would want to be round me, if there wasn't an ulterior motive. I'll have to remove that ign on my forehead that says "use me please".
Yeah, I've got issues.
I'm sure I caused that earthquake in Japan last year, as well as that flooding downstate.
I am contemplating inpatient work. Om just not sure it would solve anything, plus, I refuse to leave my little guy in the wrong hands. That, plus my autism are the sticking points. It isn't easy for me to go from one environment to the other, especially one that I am completely unfamiliar with. The amount of stress and frustration it takes to adjust to a ward, the people, the routine...seems insurmountable.
Oh well, maybe if I write more, mull less, I'll get somewhere.
I don't know where this thick, dense fog rolled in from. Sigh.
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