Not even sure that what is going on with me is shareable....or if it will make things worse.
I haven't been able to sleep much at night, unless the lights and tv are on. Every time I close my eyes...I see terrible, horrid pictures from my past.
The past couple of days, I have been one massive series of tics. The inner stress and turmoil is overbearing and most difficult to contain. I hurt everywhere probably from the amount of muscle tension that is constant and severe.
I remember feeling this awful before...actually for days and weeks at a time....way back when I first started therapy 20 years ago. It was frustrating and uncomfortable then, too.
90% of my waking energy goes toward surpassing the memories and appearing semi-functional, keeping a very low profile. Every simple task from feeding the dog to making a sandwich requires great effort as my mind continually wanders from one place to the next, jumping and leaping, skirting the issue.
The issue is a deep, dark place that I always wondered about. I knew it was there, way, way, way at the bottom of the lake...I just had never seen exactly what it, the memory, looked like before.
I have been pert near ill all day as well. My vision is blurryish, like three different parts of me peering out at once, my stomach is upset and agitated, my feet are cold and I can barely feel them.
I have very little ability to focus. I am both semi-here and semi-gone. It is very unpleasant. Kinda like being lost onto yourself.
I dare not delve in to this memory solo. No, I've learned to put all my effort into holding myself together till my therapy appointment later this week. It could not come soon enough.
This really isn't an Aspie struggle as it is all about the abuse. I don't care what you call it...it is a very tough place to be.
Just sharing
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