Reality, Dissociation and Shutdowns

Having Aspergers is automatically, one step removed from reality. Being in a shutdown, where my body gets tired and numb, my brain cannot think or form words, and I rock in a corner or drift listlessly on the couch, is yet another step removed from reality.

When I am in shutdown, or deeply inside my head and cannot even hear you or respond in anyway, I am dissociative. In a sense, I really, really leave reality and dwell deeply inside myself.

Because I suffered severe and traumatic physical and sexual abuse at a young age, as a self preservation, protective defense, I broke off, spun off and created different parts of my psyche.

Having no one on the outside to connect with, I created a family of my own, in a sense, with these different parts of me. Some say it's multiple personality disorder or a personality disorder....hmm, I call it "having people".

I am fortunate that my autism allowed me to more easily dissociate. Looking at it another way, if I hadn't dissociated, I might have died or gone completely crazed in grade school. There was so much I could not cope with. I had no place that was safe...school was autism hell and home was abuse hell. The only safe spot was within.

It helps me understand why I rarely can connect with anyone outside of me. I don't know how. I never learned how to. The mechanism for attachment was not given to me in the "bag of tricks and aids" that I was born with.

Having people was a great comfort to me, growing up. In my little, fantastical world, I could talk, touch, play and interact with the other parts of me. I was never alone or lonely.

The real world, outside, was confusion and pain. I didn't venture out there much. Who would want to? Yeah, I'll walk out for a whipping or a rape...ummm, don't think so.

So parts of me...are seriously wounded and hurt. Other parts of me have been integrated and help with the hurting ones.

Dissociation...is just an ability that I have. I have to have it. It is the ultimate defense to keep me sane and semi-functional. Without it....I probably wouldn't be sitting here writing.

Someone reminded me.....I have had to deal with an incredible amount of trauma and pain. I am strong. I can adapt and persevere. I am an incredible survivor and one of the most amazing peoples you will ever meet.

Be Well.