Emotion, thoughts

My hands flail, reach out, grasp, twitch

As I wrestle with the pulsations of emotion

Trying to contain or at least control the rampage

As if turning an invisible button, or knob to stem, stimmy and divert the flowage

Emotions, like friends, small and large, suddenly run amok, released from frail cages

We spoke of dreams, ideals and wishes...an area I try utmost to avoid, lest the inevitable fall, as few can measure up to the perfection in my head.

A = C and the difficulty of finding, much less acknowledging that there is a B.

I took his Aspie high ideals and as delicately as wasp lands on bloom, I had to dispel, laying vague naked truths that I didn't even want to acknowledge in myself, in my past.

We have such lofty, unreal dreams and ideas....sigh...that can never reach fruition, in the outside world.

The challenge of searching for a trusted posse, or one sage friend, when we haven't the inherent ability to do so.

Please give the blind man an invisible cane with handle of broken, jagged glass that only he can feel.

The daily struggle for barest essentials, food, clothing, sound, light that dare fall within our minuscule comfort zones.

I spoke much of the role of parent and the role of child. He wants to help, to repay, to help with bills but...that's not his duty. Parents provide for their offspring. Children are to grow nurtured, guided and loved in order to realize themselves. To mature into healthy adults with jobs and families of their own. I will not force or expect my son to pay for that which is his parents lot.

I remember the sentiments he spoke of, as my eyes glazed over and I drifted back to my teenage hood. I worked so my parents could have money, so my siblings could have food, so mom could pay the bills. Not my sons. No, they shall not be subject to that.

I explained so much...meaning every carefully chosen word spoken in a way that his Autistic brain could most easily grasp.

Some parents model and mimick and replay their parents party tricks and patterns. I refuse to.

I see the harm in making children be the parent. I am the parent.

Everything was spoken. We held back no secrets. We told no lies.

That is this parent child relationship.

Until I spoke it...I hadn't realized how wise I had become

Everything about me as changed lo these past two years...for my betterment and that of my sons

Eldest has matured. Sitting next to me, hand in hand..my teenager had turned into a young man.

For the first time...I noticed..he respects me....and he honors me.....and I him