Last week, after therapy, I felt physically emaciated from dealing with the five year old part of me that suffered from the first incestuous rape. My will and joy in eating has died. I eat, but it just isn't the same. It's like every meal used to be a piece of cake with frosting...now its like a dried out, stale piece of cake, no frosting. I'm not sure how to change the feeling that I am starved and emaciated. I don't know if the joy of eating will everever come back. It was sooo abrupt and sudden, the thrill of eating disappearing.
This week, I just returned from therapy with odd sensations. Everything is Softer. I'm not sure why but the edges and boundaries between me and a few of my dissociative little people....is not as hard and harsh. I feel a little melting and softness, connection, that wasn't there before therapy. Instead of feeling distant and aloof, I feel gentle and somewhat smiley.
Autism and Abuse
Another thing, that I cannot account for is that the past couple of weeks, as my childhood abuse symptoms and peoples have stepped into the forefront, All my autism symptoms have almost completely disappeared. I mean, to look at me, I do not appear autistic. It's only when I engage someone else in conversation, that I feel Aspie.
I'm starting to wonder....
The parts of me that were abused, spent most of my teen and adult years isolated in the repressed memories....kinda like stuck in time, in my past. These parts of me never interacted outside my parents house. They took all the molestation, the rapes and the beatings. I see no autistic qualities in them.
Hmmmm.
It's confusing.
Right now I identify as the survivor of severe childhood incestuous abuse. That is where all my focus and interests are.
Dissociation is another very normal thing that I do, that I will not deny or be ashamed of. Calling it DID dissociative identy disorder, PTSD post traumatic stress disorder, MPD multiple personality disorder, whatever...it's all the same. My trauma, my abuse was so traumatic and severe that I broke apart, split, fractured and splintered creating other parts of my self, dividing up the pain and stress, into smaller bits so that I could continue to live....so that I could continue to function.
If I didn't dissociate then, when I was a child, I would be dead. It's really simple. Grasp That.
My ability to leave my body under times of incredible pain and stress, is the only thing that got me through childhood.
The horrid experiences of my youth are over and done....but those wounded parts of myself need to be healed. That's why I go to therapy.
Until I get in touch with and heal these parts of me...I will always be broken. My everyday life is filled with abusive thinking. This is why I choose to reopen the scars in order to heal my wounds.
Today, I started realizing and dealing with parts of myself that have no will to live. The parts that were hurt, tormented and ignored. In the present, I have many, many reasons to live. My job, right now, is to deal with the feelings of being unwanted and retrain.
This is my life. This is what I do, in varying degrees everyday. I'm just trying to heal.
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