I am starting to comprehend the enormity of the mountain ...I've been pushing...lo, these past forty years.
It is Dawn
And everything about, within me has changed
I sit by the still waters of my lake
Examining the changing reflection
Hmm, there Is a reflection
Startling and new
I feel as if I suddenly and inexplicably am wearing a warm, thick, dark brown, bearskin coat with soft silk lining that extends to the ground and up past my ears, if I turn the collar up. And, get this, I Own It
Not all of what I'm writing, seeing, and sensing makes sense...but a lot has transpired, so I don't expect it to.
I'm beginning to truly comprehend the two-fisted battles that I have been waging having both Autism and Severe Childhood Sexual Abuse.
I'm seeing myself as an incredible, almost Herculian being.
I look back at perceived weaknesses and inadequacies....seeing, now....miraculous strength and abilities on my part. I succeeded far beyond what an ordinary person, with my scars and wounds, everever could. I exceeded where I thought I had failed.
My body feels different in many ways. Mostly I'm sore and hurt. It could be the lack of sleep, the relaxation of all the muscles that had been spasming and tense, or just the pain of body remembers. My head hurts, but it's not spinning, anymore. My vision has cleared up.
I knew how to break the heavy chains.
I didnt ever think....I'd ever see...and feel...experience....such unspeakable acts perpetrated on the child that was me. My stomach churns with violent contractions, again, as it has had whenever my mind dwells back...
A parent, an adult....has no right Ever to sexually assault a child.
I was five years old for christssake.....Really?!?
What kind of selfish, perverted mind even thinks up shit like that??? Let alone commit such crimes??
I wonder how I...all those years ago...managed to endure the sexual molestation night after night after night
The past few days have been a certain hell filled with razorous images...I remember what every single part of my dads body looked like......I was furiously trying to avoid the remembrances of him touching me...as they were as real as day. I kept recoiling as my olfactory memories resurfaced as well.
I most vividly with the most unpleasant of precision, recall exactly what he did to me and what he forced me to do. Yes, I continue to be extremely nauseous. It makes me feel so very sick.
This was the bravest and most courageous thing that I have evereverever done...yet my head hangs low with...a...more intense, aware sense of shame and disbelief
Damn, I am an incredible being
Processing...
Processing....this may take awhile
I'm okay
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