The memory of being a toddler and embraced in my grandfathers arms, I feel his arms around me. I see his smile and can touch the collar of his white cotton shirt. I smell his scent. Most importantly and quite oddly, I can feel the love radiating from him to me...as if it were happening in this very moment. Not only do I feel love...but something else...I'm not sure what it's called but he feels sorry that my body is broken. Somehow he conveys that feeling to me. He feels such sadness that I have had such a troubling time with my hips, legs and feet. I sense this from him.
I have taken refuge in this memory quite often today. To feel such comfort, warmth and love astounds me.
Somewhere, in my head, I was so sure that I had never been loved...that I was absolutely, positively unlovable. And I remember this moment....and false beliefs simply shatter. Everything changes. Forgive me for not wanting to leave this inner world of remembrance for it is pure and utter joy.
Game changer
All of my memories involve time travel. If I think back to high school and eating lunch in the open space, I am sitting cross legged on the floor, tasting the mixture of white and chocolate milk. I see all the bodies moving to and fro, in constant motion. I smell the staleness of no open windows and too any students. I feel stuffy and claustrophobic.
I guess this type of memory is good when there are positive things I want to remember, but it works both ways. Sometimes I expend considerable effort running and hiding from remembrances that hurt. Quite suddenly, I realize how rich is my inner world. So much going on. Survival tactics and planning, avoiding and comforting, wanting to stay yet being forced to the outside for things that need doing. You know, those obnoxious and mandatory routines of eating, maintaining and family interaction. I like those sparse times, when I get to decide which world my mind rests in. Too few are the hours...too few. The demands of daily life..,so damn high they be.
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