I think it would be fair to say, that I have only gotten in touch with my anger in the past five or six years. And trust me, I had a helluva lot of anger built up. I have gotten to the point where I am quite comfortable dealing and expressing anger. It is a great impetus for change and getting things done.
What does anger feel and look like, in another person? I can tell someone is angry by their eyes. That's a no-brainier for me. I grew up with that at least a few times a week, seeing those eyes. Their lip....form tightly together. Being around an angry person, it feels like fists are being thrown, at me and I must dodge and put up shields. They are like porcupines, with projecting quills, waiting to strike whoever gets near.mthey pollute the air with a certain hot, dense, sickly stench. I feel as if I am being attacked and I will run from angry people...usually physically.....if not with my body, at least with my mind. I try and be me slippery, allowing all that hatred to slide over my force fields. It's exhausting...so much self-protection. Walking at the grocery store, the mall, people of anger carry themselves slightly hunched over with tightened fists and minds.
Enough about that unpleasant emotion...I cannot dwell there anymore. Dont care to. Now
Why on earth would I ever draw attention to myself by "overreacting"? I am the perennial wallflower, avoider of any undo attention. Sorry, I continue to beat that old dead horse. Accuse, accuse, accusation after accusation...all my life...I have been the Accussed...guilty of not being meurotypical. Still want to curse and swear about that one. I continue to vent and release aaalllllllllllllllll the frustration and angst that I have carried with me because of That! $&@#%>€^£+¥#}_*+*
I need a more positive topic, for balance and to clear my head
It's weird...I can sense negative emotions with others but it is so much harder to tell when the positive emotions are being expressed by others. Seems I have very little experience, in that arena. It is no stretch of the imagination that I have a much more difficult time telling when someone is being genuine and caring. It be such a rarity all through those early, teen and young adult years.
Open arms, are one sign that I look for. In my arms, with my hands, I can feel what is real, good and right. Agh, it was so hard when Eldest was behind glass...I couldn't feel his honesty, his intentions...if he still loved me. Seperation.....I lose the ability to gauge and wager and feel and sense..if I am physically separated from someone. The phone, conversations long distance, tell me nothing. They are stall, stagnant, empty and mostly futile. I cannot even guess what the person on the receiving end even possibly thinks and feels about what I'm saying. Are they listening...doodling...praying to God that I hang up? I just don't know. I get no info!
Now eyes, love, Gramma, I look at her picture and I am looking at her. Her eyes light up with bright lights...he'll, her whole body lit up. Pink bubbles flow, rainbows arch, bend, reach. Frail hands warm, soft, caring, comfort, a pillow, warmth, genuine, real love...Real Love is positively amazing!
When my Grandpa held me, as a toddler, I felt safe, warm, understood, comforted, real, accepted and quite loved. Greens and pinks flow in gentle waves. Tightness relaxes, let's go...nothing to hide, hinder or deny. Acceptance...an open hand, open arms, soft eyes, slight smile, a welcoming.
Anyway....calmer now. Peacefulness fills me from head to toe. Heavy sigh of relief, of release.....yes, I can feel love. I am loved.
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