My Struggle with Aspergers, Identification and Verbalization

In my fourth decade, I can look back and see that I have been walking, stumbling in a fog of confusion, anxiety and frustration. I knew that something was wrong and I didn't feel healthy, mentally and physically. ..but I could not identify what was going on. I was unable to find words to explain the chaotic circus that was incessantly playing in my head.

I struggled, fell and kept banging my head against the concrete walls. I sought help with psychologist, therapist and a multitude of social workers. No One Could Help Me because I Could Not Verbalize What the Hell was going on! I, myself, was completely unable to make sense of my inner or outer world.

In order for someone to help me, I needed to tell them what I needed....and I could not.

Wrong, wrong, wrong, screwed and skewed but none of those words were descriptive enough to solve my problems. When you cannot locate the communicator, it's impossible to call for help. When the phone is broke...you just can't call and connect.

I kept picking up the phone, but the numbers were missing.

I needed help but was locked in a box and had no way to signal for someone to bring me the box cutter.

I was upset and in pain, but I couldn't tell where it hurt. I failed to realize I was confused because it was all I knew. Emotions were one giant ball of interwoven twine twelve feet tall. When someone asked me how I felt it was either good or not good, as I could not identify and separate the emotional entanglement.

I was afraid...of everything and had no way to separate my fears into neat little, discernible boxes with labels. I lived in an almost constant panic but I couldn't tell if it was real, emotional, physical or mental.

All I knew was that I desperately, on my knees begging, wanting help, but I knew not what for.

My life has been a sick, surreal testament to complete, utter, frustration, consternation and inescapable torment....at times. I continue to work, daily, on clarifying what is in my head, in hopes of making sense to my self. And in hopes of being able to teach others about me and get the assistance, the kindness that I need.

To sum it all up....AAAAAAAARRRRRRRRGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH