"You are only as clean as the water you wash in." Now that one, I thought of. It's not as sycinct as the former, but tries to say the same thing.
Aspies have more nerves, neurons, basically sensors turned on than the average NT. When my grandfather held me, and I was around three years old, I felt his love and empathy, through my whole body. Back when I was seven, my grandmother, who didn't care for me much, looked at me from across the table and cribbage board, and her eyes said, "Now that was a smart move. I like you!"
I am rethinking this whole, I don't have the ability to read eyes or understand emotion. Rather, maybe I have just learned to turn both off...because they were too intense. Maybe I was born reading eyes but I grew weary and afraid of seeing inside the depths of others souls. Maybe I no longer wanted to view my fathers hatred and anger. Maybe every time I looked into my mothers eyes, I was reminded of the time she tried drowning me. The woman was full of pity, victimization, remorse, guilt and a sorry excuse for love. Her eyes....she was the one drowning.
A hateful, hurtful glance once.....does make a terrible pain. Rarely did I ever see any love, comfort or acceptance on family's faces....so I stopped looking. Funny, as I write that, I had no problem looking at the faces of y siblings. I adored gazing and admiring the beauty of my littlest siblings. Even when sibs became teenagers and rather emotional, I still had no issues with looking and making eye contact.
Hmmm, this issue is more complex than I first believed....processing.
The adults who shot and stabbed me with their evil glances of I'm not good enough and completely disposable....yeah, I lost any respect for them. Eye contact stopped. I do believe it was a conditioned response to keep me sane.
As I feel eye contact allows me to stare into someone's depths, I thought the same was true of me....that someone could....look into my eyes and view the hideous nightmare of my waking life. And I wanted no part of that.
Sometimes, it seems, I can read part of a persons past, if I stare at them long enough. I feel I am invading their privacy with too much eye contact. Somehow all this info meshes together, even though it seems rather disjointed at the moment.
It's possible, nothing but a remote theory, that I turned off my emotions..rather started hiding and shoving them into the room in the back...way, way back because every little thing hurt so intensly. Of course, being routinely ridiculed for "Overreacting" will cause that as well.
See, I have never overreacted In My Life! I have always felt things two, three, four times as intensly as any NT. Stop telling me I overreact, because I react absolutely perfectly for who I am and how my brain works.
Okay, that would be a little anger and venom releasing from alllllll, allllll, the times I Have Been Accussed of being something I was/ am not. I am not Dramatic, OverBlown, Overreacting, Trying to get attention or pity, I am just being who I am...An Extremely Sensitive Being who works vehemently to try and protect my sensitive feelings and state of mind.
There is nothing wrong with me.
My Aspergian friend was talking about how someone made fun of her for having more tears than most over an event. Duh, this is the story of our lives. If we show how we feel....if we allow ourselves to show what is real, true and honest about how we feel, we are ridiculed. We should know...it has happened our entire lives, over and over and over and over again. So we shun, we shovel and hide what we really feel....because the outside world does not comprehend. Well, fuck you. I am damn tired of hiding my true and honest self, my feelings and emotions that are all of who I am. Fuck You outside world for making me feel embarrassed and ashamed for being sensitive. Fuck you for making me feel that most of who I am, isn't good or appropriate enough to be shown. Yeah, fuck, you
Maybe I'm damn sick and tired of hiding...fuck you and deal
If you can't handle who I am, You turn around, walk away and lock your fucking self in a closet for twenty years and see how you like it. Back off, look away and get the fuck away. I will not hide no more!
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