I took a huge chance and let someone in to my inner sanctum of being a friend....then I never heard from them for three months. I spoke with her on the phone, once a couple weeks ago. I no longer recognized her voice. The magic was gone. It was "my bad", my fault, not hers, because I made the mistake of letting her in.
It's like a true friendship quickly turns in to a small, incessant loop...a constant, small sphere in my world. I mean really, I actually had to defriend her on fb and erase her from my phone because she was part of my autopilot, my daily routine, and the friendship had died. I kept trying to revive the proverbial dead horse.
I became beyond frustrated. I'm not sure how to disengage. I can no longer fill that space she occupied. There is this place of emptiness, now and forever. There is a reason I rarely allow anyone in so close. I burn my bridges to avoid this sort of painful frustration. There is a reason I cannot sit on the fence and see a "friend" once every few months....everything changes. Faces, voices, memories, words said, promises broken.
Once again, I am reminded that there are two dictionaries that are completely different, the Aspiedictionary and that of the NT.
A friendship means one thing to the NT, and one extremely different thing to me. I remember. Now I learn.
In thinking..now...after holding my own hand and feeling my other pulse....I cannot remove the inner friendships after they have died...unless I also remove every single memory that the person is connected to. An impossible task due to the chain of events and the way people, places and experiences are woven.
Tread not lightly into these deep waters.
Once I allow someone...a place so close to my heart....
When I let someone in...to the secret that is me...
When I truly trust...believe and have faith
In some one...
It is really hard to let go
It is loss
I made a mistake...now I live with the scar
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