I will not run from death..

When I see that bright white light, I'm a running towards it. I know there is no fear in dying, Grandma taught me that. It's probably only then...that I will no longer be afraid and the weeping will stop. 

  I know the three people, who will meet me at heavens gate: Grandma, my dear friend Karon, the first friend who loved and cared for me; and Joe, my closeclose childhood friend. 

  I've been blessed with two wonderful boys and been fortune to have found two caring, loving partners. And two, above average humans, therapist who have helped me immensely. They could listen and help the most severly damaged, painful parts of me. I thank you all. 

  I have done my very best. Of that I am most assured. I have forgiven all that have hurt me and caused me great pain. I have endured and sometimes I feel that I have suffered quite enough.

 To the detractors, who feel I didn't fight enough to live, you simply wouldn't understand. My friend, Karon, helped reinforce my belief that each life is an individual story. No one else can fully comprehend. The battle is a solo one and sometimes we have a say in when and how we go. None can feel or experience what another is struggling with. We have no right to impose our will and beliefs on another. The pit of sorrow is sometimes too deep to continue to climb.

 Few will understand my words. I have no plans to hasten my death and this is another topic/ taboo that I freely speak out about. If it's a month, two years, three decades, when I die, so be it. I have no regrets.

 My funeral matters to me not. It is for the survivors to decide. The number of mourners, likewise doesn't matter. Sinead O'Conners song, I do not want what I haven't got, springs to mind. Dress me in blue jeans, an oxford and suit coat, otherwise no one will recognize me...make sure I have big hair.

 I've been so fortune these past two decades. It's mind blowing how far I have come and grown. Don't know how many of the scars of my youth I will still carry. How many wounds will have closed. 

 This lifetime, I believe, I have fulfilled any and all karmic debt. I'm confident the next life will be less challenging. It has to be. Can't think of anything that could hurt as much as my first twenty years. Really, seriously can't. 

 I look forward to an end to suffering, confusion, loneliness, torment and hunger. That shit wears on you after awhile. 

 I've enjoyed the moments of happiness, with children and partners. I wasn't gifted with the capacity to feel positive emotions freely and frequently, but my close family has brought me great joys. My happy memories always involve them.

  No, I'm definitely not suicidal, but thank you for caring. If you know me, you know I am compelled to speak what is on my mind and in my heart. Today's subject matter is thus. 

  I am an honest person. I am extraordinary in my strength, determination, intelligence and survival skills. I say what needs to be said and it's always my truth.

  I'm just sayin'