Attached to Suffering, Adult Survivor

I read my "Hatred" post, to my therapist, yesterday. Yikes! It was so much more insightful and painful, to say aloud. I realized that as an adult survivor of incest/ childhood sexual abuse, I have firmly believed that I was put on this earth to suffer. Suffering is my main identity. If I'm not suffering, something is wrong. If I feel even an ounce of happiness, I am sure I must be at deaths door because that is how I understood heaven....happiness was only to be found in heaven.
 This miserable, mistreated, little catholic girl, at ten years of age, looked around her, saw that her life was vastly different than her classmates and determined that Gods plan for her was constant suffering.
  Sigh. Oh, how the minds of children tick and tock.
 Suffering is like a tentacled, green octopus, heartily attached to my chest in half a dozen places. Once I made peace, at ten, with the misbelief that I was born to suffer, I practically embraced the sea beast and pulled it close, holding, snuggling, ever so tightly to what I believed was my birth rite and the way it was always..always going to be. It was what separated me from the kids around me. Being autistic, I like the uniqueness that separates me from others.
  Fast forward forty years...hard to think that I subconsciously chose to live in a bottle with such a beast...that I wrap tentacle after tentacle around me, tightly, for comfort and security. OMG, who am I without suffering?
  I have nothing against Catholics, except for the bad ones who beat and rape their own children. My religious parents taught me blind obedience and the church proclaimed utter obedience to my parents. I was taught not to question anything my parents did. I believed I was born full of sin and deserved everything my parents dished out. My childish beliefs have kept me ensconced in suffering and self-hatred.
I am clueless as to what I am without suffering, some constant pain of sorts.
I have worn this garb so long. But, maybe, it's time to get naked, release the old, odd, harmful beliefs that have served me in getting this far. I have been walking in a dense, dark cloud, but maybe it's time for me to let this go and step into some light...light-hearted, away from the congested....leave the toxic, thick cloud of unhealthy beliefs.
I will not die. It won't be angels coming for me when I feel...good about myself or entertain a stray ray of happiness. Maybe God wants me to feel good about myself. Maybe love and happiness is an inherent human right. Maybe my maltreatment threw me into the dark side and it's time to find the door and leave. Just like I threw off the suffocating, sick, dysfunctional bonds of my family....now it's time to throw off the tentacles of suffering that have kept me ensnared.
Hmmmmmmmmm