I Do Feel Love...just not for myself

Big revelation, here. I have no doubt that I do love, my kids, partner, friends. I definitely feel that they love me. The big, sad thing is...I can feel no love for myself.  It reminds me, so much, of my friend K. She loved her family, loved me, loved caring for others, but she could never love herself. Same situation as mine...if your own parents cannot love you...how can you find a way to love you?
 I think self-forgiveness is a big part of this picture, too. Whatever I did or didn't do, whatever I did to "cause" them to withhold the mandatory, usually inherent love of parents for their children, I blame myself. I haven't forgiven myself.


 Children blame themselves, always. It sounds ludicrous, even writing, but the child within takes all the blame and responsibility for parents who are cold and cruel.
 Somehow, someway, I have to find it within myself to forgive me, assign the blame where it belongs and figure out how to love me. The box that was never opened, self love.
  Knowing, being aware of the majority of my childhood...it is amazing that I have lived through it. I've grown...at ease, almost, talking about the horrendous, hideous events that regularly happened. I'm learning all about identifying and sharing my much stuffed, surpressed emotions. I wasn't allowed to feel, or talk, or think for myself, or say No, or Stop....I ...just...took it ...all in. Like the junk closet that finally overflows with a door that refuses to stay shut....that's where I'm at.
 Dealing with emotions..is...such suck work. Emotions are these physical manifestations, tears, shakes, nauseating, achy, uncontrollable....aaarrrggghhh. Very tough to deal with.  It's like they are part verbal and visual memory, part physical sensation. Once emotion surfaces....it can't be stuffed back inthe closet.
 I don't know...I guess, in a way, releasing past emotion is similar to just learning to verbalize the unspoken, taboo memories. It's reallyreally tough at first, but after awhile, it becomes easier. Never pleasant, never welcome or looked forward to, but it's healing. It's the only way to heal.
I can't stay trapped with all these strong, vibrant, awakening emotions in this poor, beleaguered body that gets sicker and less able to hold it all in.
 Yikes. That's just my life. Guess I'm trying to convince myself that it's okay to start clearing out this emotional baggage. Maybe then, I can forgive myself....maybe then, I'll actually be able to touch, feel God, thus miraculous, enlightening, powerful love thingy that I've heard about.
 The journey just started uphill....again. Pray for me, if you are so inclined. The mountain is steep.