There always seems to be an adult or two, that simply cannot understand why a child doesn't tell someone about the abuse they endure. One, very effective reason, is that perverts, perpetrators use threats. This is the topic I will be writing about.
It has recently come to light that when I was eight years old....my dad and I went to his mothers house, whom I refer to as the evil, paternal grandma, who also went by the name if "Manna". (Manna is Not to be confused with my kind, loving maternal Gramma who passed away last year.)
Manna, like her son, was pure evil, very cruel. Anyway, my dad had....illegally bbgunned down a couple of rabbits on the city's west side, near Mannas house. Like a proud little kid, dad brought them over to show manna, and to...."clean and dress" them so we could eat the next day.
Manna was old Polish school and had a meat preparing table in the basement. There, they would clean fish, small game, make homemade sausages, etc. There were even a few heavy duty butchers aprons to don.
I'm not sure I want to write.....maybe just the basics.
I remember being eight years old and Manna held a long, sharp....skinning knife pointed at my throat.....she said something like....if I ever talk this would happen to me, in reference to the job she had just done on the small game.
The image of my manna standing over me, in front of me, teeth bared in a smirking threat, knife in her hand, inches from my throat.....priceless. This image surfaced yesterday at therapy...and followed me home and kept me up last night. It appears and faded throughout the day. Processing.
This memory very much relates to my throat chakra. Think about it...on some level, I have carried this memory of manna, knife at throat...in my mind or aura, for over forty years. That's a helluva emotional block.
Yesterday was the first time it was ever spoken, revealed and dealt with. It may be responsible for some of the speaking and neck problems I've had so long. Funny, yeah, a large degree of my neck pain ....isn't now there, as it was yesterday before therapy. My physical conditions.....seemingly solid, are not and come and go in minutes.
It was very emotional at therapy yesterday....veryvery. And physical....spastic, hitting things.
Logically, I know manna and dad cannot hurt me, as they are both cold dead. I feel....somewhat okay talking to Therapist about this.
Hmmm, there are so many reasons kids don't talk...often involving the throat and neck. Like when my dad would have a strong hand on my throat and make threats. Yeah, kids generally believe the threats.
Coconspirators...that gets me...it always gets me when I find out someone else knew and approved of the incest, the abuses. It was me against the world. My own grandmother...sell me so....so coldly and with full knowledge of her crime.
This helps me understand why manna alwaysalways made me uncomfortable.
I don't want to write so much now.
The implications...diffusing this vivid memory, is what we work on now. It explains why knives have always scared me, just big ones. They'd scare me not like I might accidentally hurt myself....but like it was a reminder she might hurt me. And she can't now.
It's hard to...take a step forward, because that memory occupied space directly in front of me, if that makes any sense. On some level, it has always been there, effecting forward movement and speaking.
Funny, I slept hard, for hours this afternoon....I had the strangest, most vivid dreams involving family and me telling them off, can't remember confronting and expressing myself so much verbally before.
I'm exhausted. Feels like a truck half ran me over yesterday. Processing. Lots to contemplate. Making progress. Another step forward.
Be well
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