Friend, Freedom, The Aloneness

Sigh. For two days, I went DID and Autistic free. We really are what we tell ourselves we are. And I held tight to those labels. I sought freedom and changed my thinking and it's direction. I forgot about the memories, the people, the neck pain and being autistic. Freedom. I focused on the present...eyikes...and it was nice.
 Today, I awoke with Lyme exhaustion and an intestional virus, falling back into escape mode.
The issue of communication, of having no friend, no one to talk to resurfaced. Each person in my household seems tightly wrapped in their own angst. It's stifling and oppressive. Lots to want to escape from. Impossible to find someone to listen and hear. And my body not well enough to go out.
It's the daily battles that wear you down the most.
 I was denied disability and need to hire an attorney and fight. I was optimistic, but realistic. Be nice to have income. Maybe not meant to be...like such other things.


 Want therapy to be tomorrow, but it's days away. Trying to find methods and means to cope. Pass the Valium and crack open a beer. At least you get unfiltered honesty....it seems rare to find honest.
 I accomplished some goals. Dragged my beleaguered body to places it needed to be. Doing my parenting to my best. LittleGuy is down sick, as well, so he requires more care:)
  The aloneness ...has always been there, as long as I can remember....some days it's just harder than others. Varying degrees, you know. It feels dehumanizing...the inability to connect. Can't remember the last time I had a good friend, confidant, ally. The older I get, the more physical ailments keep me in the house and down, the less likely the possibility that friendship will ever happen. The older I get, the more realistic I become. Some might say "cynical"...I say self-aware and realistic. Need more obsessions and special interests to focus on...take my mind off the hurt stuff.
  Writing about it, doesn't change it...but at least maybe someone else can hear me and understand.
 The sea of loneliness is a cold, dark place. It's like beating your head against a wall...minus the wall. It's falling down with no one to catch you. Falling into emptiness. It's walking under a starless night with a broken flashlight. It's sitting and making barbed wire, just to keep yourself occupied.
 It's always cold. Loneliness is always cold.
It's an empty plate at a table set for one. It's a hunger never fed....a thirst never quenched.
It's being at the party and no one knows you're there.
 Shouldn't I be enough? Shouldn't I be all I need? Isn't it rather unfair to be trapped within oneself and have desires of communication and communion?
Methinks so. Methinks it thus.
Some secret fantasies....will never come true.
Just doing my best. Sharing my vex.