As I attended my meeting, smart phones sounded flash flood alerts throughout the office. Previously, upon hearing such alarm, I would have grown considerably nervous and agitated and tried my best to shorten the meeting and scurry home. Alarms, warnings, senses of impending danger Used to put me in quite a tizzy, but not yesterday. I was able to carry on with the Q and A, filing out of forms and asking sensible questions. All This whilst being soaking wet from head-to-toe from being caught in a sudden, treacherous, lightning filled downpour, on my walk to lawyers office.
I did very well.
Only upon reflection today, have I realized how very much about me has changed.
I think that all the heavy-duty, gut wrenching, cathartic therapy sessions have had quite an impact. Suddenly....panic, that constant, crawly sensation always lurking somewhere, barely out of sight, has diminished. I felt okay, nay, rather well amidst such upheavals and stressers.
Looking back at therapy, with the getting-in-touch-with and releasing of ancient, half-buried emotions that have prevailed these past two months....has released some of the panic, anxiety, hurt and pain that I have carried with me for over 40 years. Therapy has changed me, freed me and allowed me to dump burdens, garbage, tainted feelings, that had been impacting my daily life.
It's like...how to say?....getting in contact with the earliest, oft strongest, emotional traumas and memories, has greatly impacted, benefitted the system, me, as a whole. Like, I was born with inherent emotions of joy, happiness, sadness, grief, hunger....and they all got ...surpressed...locked in. By talking and turning the key, releasing through talk and emotion, I am getting back in touch...with the genuine, real emotions I was born with...Before They Got Skewed. Make sense? Think about it.
Every child, or most children, are born with the standard set of emotions...and I was. The early, per-verbal abuse..entangeled and distorted....broke apart these essential emotional elements. But they still existed...way down deep, under the heaped upon crap....and Therapist and I have discovered them...I should say Recovered them.
This is a really huge concept here. It just dawned on me today after therapy. Yeah, I talk about shit and it starts to make sense, to fuse into useable form:)
One other point, which carries enormous weight, is I have almost finished my very first art assemblage creation.....in many, many, many moons. My creative room, in my head, finally got a door and the door opened. I am full of ideas and never enough time to art. That, arting, has frequently played a crucial role in my overall emotional, mental and physical well being.
My arting process, is also, very different...much more relaxed, less confined, more spontaneous and free flowing. I don't have to work at it....it simply flows...as if the creation has always existed in my mind and all I need do is physically put the pieces in place. The barriers of self-regulation, right and wrong and shoulds have vanished. I go at my own pace and know what looks and feels right..with ease.
When it is complete, I will post pictures. It's truly a joy.
And joy? Feeling happiness? Since therapy today. And what did we deal with in therapy today? Hmmm...a very young time in my life where I was pretty darn happy and content.
It seems like every "little" item we touch on in therapy...gets born into reality, effecting all my daily living, almost immediately.
Ahhhh, the walls came tumbling down. Pause to take That all in. Shit, makes perfect sense. In the past week, I have changed Tremendously. It could be permanent, semi-permanent, or fleeting...I'll just have to wait and see.
It's...okay to feel happy. It is my inherent birthright. It is quite an odd, light-hearted sensation. Without bravado, I feel confident in my self, in my own abilities. It's not a cakewalk....still dealing with the ups and downs of everyday life. But it feels manageable.
I have this...very odd sense of stability that I have never experienced before. It's new, but not really scary....I was born this way.....just got lost and messed up along the road.
Hmmm...interesting.
I'm okay:)
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