So it's okay to talk about feeling ill?

Or so my Therapist says. She's constantly filling my head with strange ideas like this. Other therapisms...it wasn't my fault...you didn't do anything to deserve such punishment...I'm a good person...parents shouldn't rape or beat their kids. Yeah, she is sooo weird.


 I've been thinking about all the reasons why I never thought it was okay to talk about being sick:
1) No one cared
2) It changed nothing
3) They didn't believe me anyway
4) They did nothing to try and make me feel better. No trips to the doctor, cold compresses or chicken soup.
5) If I mentioned I was sick, I was shunned and isolated, made to feel bad and contagious.
6) Now this one...this one might be a bit unique...I was afraid if anyone knew I wasn't at my best, that they would take advantage of me and my weakened condition. Being sick makes me feel very vulnerable.
 I remember when I brought my eldest son home, after he was born. I was so weak and exhausted....and scared...for myself and my baby. How could I protect him?
7) For awhile, I thought being sick was a punishment for being bad. I know, sounds juvenile, but it was true for manymany years.
8) I figured I deserved it because I wasn't hygienic enough. That was before these pocket hand sanitizers. I'm not known for a shower every day....if I jump in once a week, I'm good. I sometimes thought that was a reason, though.


 I definietly get sick more than most, but research and studies have enlightened me. Autistic and abuse survivors typically are ill more often than NTs and the unabused. It has something to do with anxiety and stress hormones running the immune system down. When you live in fear everyday....the body suffers. Not to mention the actual physical traumas of abuse and multiple, serious beatings.
With that info and the reassurance from therapist...and a little insight of my own....I don't beat myself up for being sick anymore. Big Step for me.
I still don't like it, being nonproductive, achy, hurting, exhausted and such, but I'm not so self-defeating about it. And I know I so don't deserve it. And I'm around people that don't take advantage of me, so I feel less vulnerable.
I continue to throw around that whole, "what is the reason this is happening to me?" thingy.  But I'm learning that sometimes things just happen with no blame and no fault.
I do feel a little better than yesterday. I wasn't exhausted to the point that I slept most of the day. I rested often, but no heavy, exhaustive naps. I only had to take Benadryl twice for the itching, another improvement. I felt strong enough to shower.....yeah, my family always, politely is happy for the change of clothing and the.....aromatic change in the air:)


 The walk to the mailbox was long, but I enjoy getting outside. I sit on the deck, go for short walks, barefoot on the grass And, my favorite oddish hobby, hunting down Japanese beetles on my grapevine and...torching them! Well, they do chew up my grape leaves if I don't take action. It Is Fun! And I have both boys that have also taken up my "hobby". It's a family fun venture:)
In all honesty, sometimes I don't talk about being ill because I might get...back talk. Don't know what exactly to call it, but it's when peoples say, "oh, are you sick Again" or still. Or, "damn girl you are constantly sick, I swear." Or they give advice that I already know or what worked for them....or they tell horror stories of someone They knew, that suffered terribly with the same symptoms.


It eliminates the stress of social banter, if I keep my ailments to myself.
 Wow, didn't realize this was such an extensive subject. :)
Overall, I am pleasantly surprised that I stopped putting myself down for my physical ills. That's a big, positive step for me:)