Mostly spend my days adjusting to this new schedule of sons and schools. It takes me at least a solid month to establish a daily schedule that works. It's very tiring. My weekdays are boys and school and boys and schools, get gas, pick up food, drive drive drive. Seriously, it's all I do. Between drivings I try and rest, nap, recuperate or figure out how to do the next task.
Had therapy yesterday. It will take awhile to process everything that was said.....like a regular hour of therapy x4. That's how much information was covered and exchanged. Exhausting, but hard to sleep. Too much on my mind.
Trying to understand how I'm not to blame, that it wasn't my fault. Why is that so tough? If I saw a grown man beating up the puppy, I wouldn't even think of blaming the puppy.
My previous blunt post, I shared with Therapist. Didn't realize that I had felt such deep betrayal from everyone around me, growing up.
The pain thingy...yeah, it's immense on a couple different levels. Mostly wrangling the physical pain that I had to hide and stuff away on a daily basis. There is so much there. This will take awhile. I'll probably be twenty pounds lighter if I can get it all dealt with.
Lots of depression. Not suicidal, just accepting of the fact that if I dropped dead tomorrow, don't cry for me, Argentina. Health issues going on heavy. I will not cause my death in any way, but part of me would welcome it. It may be my only chance at peace. No one can feel or fully understand my pain, but a two or few. As well, few can begin to comprehend the struggles I contend. We live and we die alone. It's okay. My life has always been two words, painful struggle.
The only tattoo i want, is one that says Do Not Resuscitate across my chest. I've done my best. When my body says is time to go, i dont want to fight no more. I'm one of The best fighters that has ever been. My kids and few that love me may never understand this. I love them, but I love and honor myself, as well.
Never fear death. Never. Life is the scary, fearful stuff nightmares are made of. Just sayin'
Maybe sometimes I just need a break from the worry, the fears, nightmares, flashbacks and perpetually attempting to fix the broken Me. I don't know. I just get worn out, sometimes.
Health issues. Getting me down. Some days...I don't know.
Went for a short walk after dark. Walking in the dark reminds me of swimming in the ocean...I don't understand how people can do it. Being in a place where they cannot see or know what is around them. The night and the ocean frighteningly infathomable.
I don't know. Guess that's it for now.
The sky was pretty yesterday:)
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