My biggest failure, as an Aspie in an NT world, is that I can't keep a clean house. Most of the time, I don't even see the clutter. More often, I just don't care. It doesn't factor into my list of priorities. Never has. Never will.
Yet, my childhood repeats itself and I must think of this task, on a daily basis. I dislike even the mention of this whole cleaning thing. Memories, frustration and utter nonsense. I have been..reprimanded, hmmm, that's kinda light, but I'll use it. Anyway, unclean rooms tend to make people angry and crazy. Ever since I was a kid, I've been a failure because I couldn't clean appropriately, or to someone's idea of "satisfaction". Yeah, I lived with this daily...still do. I must continually meet someone else's expectations. Must constantly be aware of too mch clutter and dirty dishes causing a possible altercation. I'm always living in someone else space and domain, hence I have to follow their rule, not mine. Always relegated to a second class citizen.
Maybe I'm just not roommate material. Maybe I was inherently wired to live alone. Maybe I'm selfish or would like to know what it feels to be selfish and have a mind, will and space where I rule. Space to find out how I would rule....what am I like under everyone else's expectations. What do I like to do minus the tasks done to appease and keep the peace?
I have to wonder...if I will ever find out..who I truly am. The outside is ominous, demanding...and not my first choice of location.
People rarely ask my opinion, about anything, much less listen to what I have to say.
I'm not gonna put myself down and say, yeah, I'm not roommate material. Even though that is true. Rather, I'd like to say its hard to know who I am when I live in constant fear and outright revulsion at this whole clean house bullshit, important shit. I keep associating with people who only give me positives as long as I clean the house right and often enough. Yeah, the clean house has Been the most repetitive, ongoing theme in my life. I'm so damn sick of it. But it will ever change. I will always live under someone else's rule. I will always be thought lazy and inconsiderate if I don't constantly strive to do my best to make someone else's priorities mine, even when I don't agree. I will continue to be liked more, if I clean the house. I will continue to be ignored and angered at for failing this.
In my mind, hundreds of things are more important than this worn-out, overused and trivial matter. I know no one will see my point but me. But maybe I'd like a point, sometime.
In a perfect world, I would live in a quiet, stressful place of my own.
I envy, highly envy, people with jobs and the ability to support themselves and live the lifestyle of their own choosing. In my mind, those people know who they are. Me? I'm just a grunt. Always have been, though the titles not setting well with me so much, these days.
I guess I'm starting to wonder more and more...who I am...what do I like...can I ever have some control over my own life...if so, what would that be like? To have power and control over my own life...wow, what would that be like? Hmmm, I dangerously...nervously entertain such ideas.
Maybe I've shared too much. Maybe it's not safe and healthy to have needs, wants and desires. Maybe it's too odd to put myself first...feels strange, almost like I'm doing something forbidden that most people do as a rule.
Hmm, personal power...personal control...running and having a life of my own. Intriguing.
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