Why does it seem like self-awareness is manipulation? When the two are entirely different animals?
I am aware that I had a very good, put together, everything's fine week....until I didn't Have to keep it all together in mommy mode, first week of school, need to get through all these hoops and shit.
Last night, I fell head first back into the abyss, the clinging, screaming, feeling, sensations of my life before the last couple weeks. Or, what I like to call, what my life really is between intermittent bouts of sanity.
Couldn't even figure out how to get dressed this morning...seriously, I had answered that as a question on my disability application and couldn't figure out (I see a theme here..) what to wear, how to change out of jammies, what to put on as one layer, what to wear as some sort of outer, light coat layer cause it's like 45 degrees out, cold. I ended up....staring in the closet for awhile, realized I was running out of time, threw clothes on over the jammies and called it good. Felt completely disheveled and out of place, not to mention the possible odiferous emanations.
Then I had to figure out what time to leave for sons school....could not figure out what was the right time. Then I debated where am I going to park, at this we school, so that my appearance and smell would offend the least number of people, yet, at the same time, I needed to find one of LittleGuy teachers to interact with.
I'm still not dressed appropriately. I did manage to find breakfast and go for a morning walk to clear my head.
Speaking of...I notice that when I approach or walk by other people, I lower my head. The submission of a survivor...or the shame? Or the avoiding painful eye contact of the autistic! Methinks I know not. But I notice that I am doing it a lot these days.
I won't even go into the remembrances of last night. I'll spare you the dirty details.
Emotion rages and erupts from, like nowhere. What a transformation from one minute to the next.
Can we say Unstable?
Chaos is like wanting to beat up twelve different foes and you can't land one, single, good punch.
Two phrases picked out among the battlefront: Find Peace....Forgive Yourself
Can't find the lesser painful road. All options seem prickly.
Sucks
Just sayin
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