I was an embarrassment to my mother...as an Aspie extends her identity through her possessions, my mother identified herself through her children. Being born unperfect and requiring "correction" was a huge blemish. Mom couldn't deal. My brace was adhered on, of course, I cried at the pain, and my mother left the room, shut the door and left me alone for hours each day.
Whenever she looked at me, it felt as though I was a painful reminder of her failure to produce a healthy child. So, she turned away or put me alone in my room. It hurt her to look at me.
My mother, to this day, refuses to say more than a sentence or two about the doctor visits, two different braces, my club-like left foot or hip dysplasia and subsequent hip braces. My mother is a king of denial. After all, if we don't talk about it, it doesnt exist or it didn't really happen. That's my mom.
I remember laying in my bed, for what felt like, an eternity. I had a couple blankets and a toy or two to amuse myself and interact with. I learned to disassociate very early as I did everything I could to escape the endless confinement of feeling helpless and trapped in a painful body and neglectful household.
Oh, the places I'd go!
Anyway, so I am working on awareness and reintegrating these early experiences. I think I was so pissed off last week for a number of reasons, but the feelings of being defenseless and helpless stand out brightly in the shade. D and H were the prevailing, reoccurring themes throughout the entire week. And feeling helpless, invisible and disrespected Again, put me in a terrible, shut-everyone-out-you-no-good-bastards kinda mood. I'm tired of being overlooked, trampled upon and hurt by neglect and deliberate actions.
The cheese stands alone.
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