It feels like...

I am walking naked, in a cold, shivering rain

I can see where I am continuing to give away my personal power. Seems like the old way of thinking is...if I give you my personal power than you will like me.
Aware of it. Working on changing the old pattern.

Embarrassment feels like hot, spreading fire directly in my solar plexus, stomach area. That's how I physically feel with that emotion.

Every time I entertain the thought that I believe in me...I cry

Sometimes I think the only sense of...satisfaction, excitement and passion that I ever feel is when I am actively pursuing my special interests.

My therapist told me that "doing nothing is doing something". I realize how I have spent probably most of my life "inactive" because I am processing, recovering or trying to just figure out the next best step.

I more often am convinced and starting to accept my inability to make an intimate connection with another adult...kinda acknowledging my abilities. My teenage career choice of being a monk or hermit rings true with my capabilities.

I want friends but I recoil because they can hurt so. The closer they are, the more intense the pains they cause.
Hmm, now I'm sounding much more autistic. Seems my Aspieness was somewhat latent for weeks. Back up and running.

I can remember and release some of the bad things that happened to me as a kid. Changing alll the patterns and behaviors my neglect and abuse contributed to is the majority of my waking therapy. Identifyin and becoming aware of the unhealthy behavior is first and oft the most difficult step. Because I live so isolated, it isn't easy to see what other, normal people think, feel and behave. Than I write or talk about it, followed by brainstorming and figuring out How to change. It's a full time job.

It seems people mostly fight against time. I'm learning to just stand, hands in pocket, and watch it whip by on the zip line with barred hooks. No longer do I run or chase it.

Ahh, me writing ability, which had been on hiatus for weeks, has returned. I've been seriously struggling with language and sharing for a spell.

I want to get back into some of my social routines. I need to be persnickety about my choices as I continue to feel vulnerable, fatigued and emotional. My companions and destinations need to be supportive and soft.

I think I'll send my dad some flowers. He needs to know that I'm thinking of him.

I have about four different projects slightly going on. Three of which are special interests. Not a lot of energy, so each day I do just a bit on one or the other. I continue to have great difficulty sleeping for a number of varied reasons.

I wonder how my friend Bob is doing.

Thanks for reading...be well