This is one of those pieces of time that the outer nt world and my autism crash and clash. Like a four year old, my first response is "I don't wanna go!" Then the rational, logical adult part of me says, "I do not want to go...but it is proper, the right move and I see the logical reason why I am being asked to do this." Sigh. The four year old part of my thinking is now throwing a tantrum....loudly.
Sometimes you can't win. If I go, I'm screwed and stressed. If I don't go, I'm screwed, rude and guilt ridden. I have a natural disdain for no win scenarios.
I've been attempting to break down and analyze this upcoming event, in hopes of finding coping skills and strategies to keep me level. First off, the fourteen hour drive is not a problem. I actually enjoy long drives, new scenery and the companionship of my Partner and youngest.
The overnighters...we will be staying in a hotel I have been to two or three times before. It's a pleasant location on the outskirts of town. There is a pool so Partner will corral Younglink and amuse him for an hour each day.
The actual town is small with about 5,000 residents or so. The "main street" is a minor collection of old town stores. I almost forgot, there is a very nice movie theater, a book store and small train museum to amuse me.
We will arrive during the high, holy time of whatever festival takes place once a year, so there will be an influx of tourists and out of towners like ourselves. Yippee...sigh.
The inlaws...I have nothing against them. They are far from mean or rude, being very polite, soft spoken, courteous...just the usual run of the mill peoples that make me uncomfortable and on edge. Walking into a room of strangers is akin to strolling into a lions den or room full of barrels of dynamite. Not really, but that's just how it feels to aspieme.
I have grown so comfortable in my reticents. I wander not easily out of myself and my familiar.
I just don't know what to say to people, what to talk about, or what I'm willing to share. I shan't display or revel in a discussion of my autism and all discussion regarding the imprisonment of my Eldest is forbidden. I must start training myself to lie about where he is and what he is doing with his life. Sigh. Another aspect of nt life that brings discomfort and loathing. (in a perfect world, there would be no secrets, nothing hidden and people would say what they mean and mean what they say...don't get me started....argh)
The food...probably the biggest pebble in my shoe, is the ritualistic, high and holy requirement of a "family meal" with everyone at the table eating together. I have food allergies and odd preferences that others try and go out of their way to cater to and it is unnerving. I rarely can tolerate eating with others. I rarely trust that any food, other than what I cook myself, is safe. I have great disdain and contempt for this insane, insidious rite. I have yet to find a solution for this one.
Enough already. My anxiety level has reached a point....that's it for now. I'll have to work on figuring this all out after some calm time. Later
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