1) I learned why it's hard to trust people...why I look for deceit and hidden motives in gifts, words and actions. I was repeatedly tricked into doing something that was quite unhealthy and detrimental to me.
2) it makes sense now, that I disliked and disassociated from the lower part of my body. The abuse made me hate my own physical being.
3) I understand why I don't like "if you do this for me, I will give you that" and other certain phrases.
4) it explains my distrust of men, in general.
5) I understand why I think that every father is molesting his own daughter. Remember, I was told it was normal and the way things work, at five years old. My little brain believed this.
6) I'm not positive, but these incidents may explain why I can't have people, even my own kids, come up from behind and touch my back or hug me from behind. Hmmm, emotion signals a bingo. Yeah.
7) I blame my frail physical health and string of maladys on this molestation when I was so young. The intermittent feelings of being sick inside for "no reason" actually have a damn good reason.
8) I'm not as crazy as I thought, once again. My past shows me that my behaviors, trusts and distrusts have validation. Isn't it amazing how one adult can so, pardon me, fuck up the life of a child?
My adult behaviors are not...random...or even quirky, but based in childhood experiences, beliefs and thinking. These events had a huge impact on my life. It's healthy to talk and work them out of the closet, out of my everyday, automatic way of acting and reacting.
By calling out, by naming and claiming these wretched experiences, I examine and analyze all those experiences that make me, Me. I now have the power...to change the way my abuse effected me.
The words still do not come easy. There is so much here to ponder, digest and process. Maybe after a few days, or a few weeks, it will be easier to write about. There is a lot here.
Be well. Thanks for reading:)
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