It seems so hopeless at times...

Trying to figure it all out. Working to find the words that express and convey how I operate and feel. Sometimes, you just have to play the hand you are dealt....swimming in the quagmire, hoping your toes continue to touch bottom and that that Really is a life preserver off to the left.

A number of events have transpired....wish I knew how to wager and educatingly guess. Wish there was a mighty oracle or sacred book that would magically appear, flopping open to the appropriate page with detailed, easy to follow instructions. Yeah, and little green leprechauns will magically appear and carry me off to the wee little land of fun, easy street and trees that grow gold.

Kinda useless...frustrating...confusing...upside down and askew. I'm not even sure what progress is...in answer to the question posed in my head...I don't even know...how to measure or what to measure against, compare to.

This is crazyass shit and I will not even raise my hand, for I know not what the answers...but I want to raise my hand. And ask....for a little, heap of clarity here

Why does my world turn on a dime and unbeknownst to me? When I'm not looking? When I turn my back?

Sometimes it feels like I'm dead already...locked in a room, my hand on the doorknob that refuses to turn.

I don't relish confusion, pain that is hard to quantify, too much going on, demands and expectations, forced meanings, unwritten rules, mandatory this and required that. I don't like that the thick, shiny, metal chain with links seven inches long was severed with a single axe blow. I don't like it but it is.

Tired of the arguing, controlling, juvenile tendencies and mother may i's. It's just a bunch of bullshit and my hands are filthy dirty