I Am Simplistic

Well, I was going to title this post, "I am a Simpleton" but I looked up the meaning of simpleton and Big Red said a simpleton is defined as being a fool. Whilst that may be true, I more agree with simplistic as I enjoy things in my life being as easy and uncomplicated as possible.

I don't ask much from life. The first item that actually comes to mind is...I don't want to be hungry. Hunger is a ravaging beast. I spent so many days, weeks, and years in pursuit of nothing more than a decent, wholesome bite to eat that food is the number one thing that I request from life.

Shelter and warmth would be the second items on my list of wants and needs. Those two conditions provide me with a sturdy foundation and sense of safety and security. I very much enjoy shelter and warmth.

Growing up, I kept asking God for a number of things: food to eat, heat for the house and for warm bath water ( you may have already guessed this, but as a child heat from the furnace and hot water heater were quite sporadic. When bills could not be paid the gas bill was the first to suffer.) ; that my father would meet a swift and untimely death (okay, I do understand why God did not fulfill this prayer...I get it); that I would stop being beaten and raped, and that I would have a swift and early, hopefully painless death (again, I do understand God not answering this prayer.)

Thus, some of my most heartfelt prayers have been answered. I can't remember the last time I went hungry. My boys have never once experienced empty cupboards...which is absolutely huge in my book.

I guess there is something that I did forget to ask God for. Someone to love, adore and worship me, exactly as I am. Maybe that is, the idea of a simpleton.

See, I am beautiful, kind and caring and most deserving of love and adoration. I know and believe that. I guess I wish that was innately understood by others.

I think that I am a kind, caring and considerate individual. I believe that I am doing my bestest. Granted, with my autism and abused child mentality, my bestest does not show through or is equal to other people without A(autism) and A(abuse mentality). I get that. But it doesn't make me less worthy of receiving respect, compassion and love.

Looking around me, I have a lot of wonderful things to keep me from struggling and stressing. Do I even have the right to ask for more?

Do I sometimes feel that I am entitled to and am deserving of a little more? I wonder.

I am a wonderful, pretty damn amazing individual. That I do know for sure.

Be well.