A Tale of Woe

After writing the previous post...a flood of surpressed, long hidden and denied emotion. Wow, that's just plain sad. I was trying to think of a time when I felt...wanted. I know that from time to time people have needed me, but who even wants to be around me?

Maybe it's the barbed wire necklace, but no one seeks out and asks for, enjoys my company. I've trained my friends and acquaintances well. Other than my Partner and my boys, no one calls me up tp chat, get together, ask my advice, share a story or new recipe...sometimes I feel just as invisible as when I was homeless.

Are my walls still so impenetrable? Is there continually a small neon sign on my forehead that says, "go away"? Is my introversion and reclusivity so vehement that I am such poor company? Am I rude, crass and so self-absorbed to be on the do not call or bother list? If I disappeared tomorrow, how long before anyone would notice?

I am in the same sense of space and place as I was twenty years ago. Maybe this is my norm and personal best. Well blow me away. I just don't know what to think. It appears that, in some ways I have grown, but in others I am completely unchanged. I take full responsibility for my shortcomings and lack of interactions. Hey, I'm the one directing this show....I just didn't know what was playing...until now. Suddenly....I see. And it doesn't make me happy.

I am really good if you need someone to use or abuse, just ask my parents. But who or what am I? People don't want to be around me. Am I still breathing and behaving like the Pyrrha of my youth and younger days.

I'm suddenly struck down with deep sadness and awareness.

Truth be told...I don't want to walk alone.

It's like I've suddenly discovered what's been missing all along. Another one of those things that may very well be completely out of my reach.

I'm not the wise sage living atop the mountain that people seek out.

I am the hermit, inthe cave, that people are warned to avoid.

This is the very same conundrum...the chess board hasn't changed and neither have the pieces. I throw down the queen, stand up and walk away.