Now I dwell, as I remember

Some of the long hidden, shoved aside pain has surfaced. I'll keep telling myself it's a good thing as I weep. I won't deny myself healing by trying to hide and cover my pain. I like to share my pain, or at least write about it. It be my medicine.

Rape is a...special kind of pain. It tears apart and diminishes self, mightily. I am looking at things long ago hid. I always knew when the attacks started, logically, just never allowed my self to feel them.

I don't like basements and workbenches especially at night. I don't like black and silver radios with broken antennas turned on to cover the noise.

It took me...quite awhile..to be willing to remember. Must be that whole, "I'm in a safe place now and got support thingy." Its okay to remember...now.

I'd complain to my mom that I wasn't feeling well and that I hurt here and there. She'd take me to the doctor, never let him examine me anywhere but my ears and throat. So, I started getting strep throat every few months. She never left me alone with that doctor. She knew I might talk...about the things in the night.

Almost overnight, I was forced to be more sequestered. I was let outside to play, much less frequently. You see, I wanted to talk. I actually remember..now...searching...wanting to find someone who would believe me because I figured out it wasn't normal. It was wrong,

I laugh, because I never rembered trying to find someone to listen before this moment. I actually tried saving my self.

My dad was infuriated...a mixture of sweet talking and threats. That was my childhood...see it going up in smoke? And he would smoke.....and he would burn me. Punishment.retribution. He always tried to cover his tracks. And it worked.i could be bought, silenced and had. Night after night, more often than naught.

I'm sure to have nightmares tonight. Oh well...healing happens. Thanks for reading. Thanks for believing. Finally, finally, I speak