Varying Levels of Pain

I'm discovering..that pain has many exquisite layers..and I am meticulously examining each one. As I hesitantly and with great reserve...evolve and coalesce...passing through one barbed layer, a next one arises, engulfs and consumes me. Like the multi-headed Hydra, no sooner do I slay and overcome one malicious head/ beastly affliction, than another one..or two is born.
I feel like such an ill-equipped champion.
At this point in time, for the past couple of days...I am in a painful, struggling place. The only possible, maybe place of assistance is therapy...which is an incredibly long 10 days away.  My only chance of relief....Laying out in the wet, freezing snow till death mercifully takes me Is another option.
If I broke both my arms...it would Truly feel better than this.
If only I drank or did drugs....pitiful.
Believe it or don't...this may be progress. Having numbed myself through disassociation for years, maybe this is just another arduous, profane and horrid step to humanness. Yuck, I shudder as I say that word.
Integration is so Not all its cracked up to be. It's an incredibly abysmal, lonely and defenseless place. Every day a new venture through candyland and hell. Virginal ground, dilemmas and fresh challenges await each step. Integration is a master clusterfuck...I'm just sayin.
Every facet of my inner life has changed...even my nighttime dreams. Each dream is...full, overflowing with objects, peoples, events. It's like each one dream is a compilation of two or three. Say, one person dreams and there are two main characters and twelve objects in one room...now double it. There is sooo much going on, taking place and cluttering space.
I continue to startle awake once or twice throughout the night. Not sure why...too many possibilities.
And that is when I manage to actually fall asleep.
I spend wayway too much time daydreaming, hoping, wishing I was at therapists office. Since I can't find respite within anymore, I fantasize about a safe hiding place with out.
It's like my security and stability of dissociation was ripped away and I'm just a walking, stumbling wound....silently praying for help.
My current painly aches...I cannot fix alone. It's just physically impossible.
I continue to search for solutions. I continue to think about the prospect of a slow frozen death....
I don't know. I think...my only hope is to busy and distract my self enough...to try not to feel so deeply or think too much.
Just trying to escape this unknown hell of sensation, feeling...
God, sometimes I hate my life
Pass me the magic wand