I've Changed...Emotions and Feelings

So much has transpired and transformed. I have integrated much of my past. Today, I noticed that I feel emotions much, much differently. It's new sensations, so I'll attempt to put words to that which has never been transcribed.
Emotion used to be these raw, extremely intense, full body, overtaking, uncontrollable thingys. Nowadays, emotions are muchmuch more subtle, like furry little balls, that I am aware of under the surface and in my vicinity. When I felt anxious yesterday, it was more of a knowing than a physical sensation.
Anxiety used to physically feel like nervousness in my stomach....a visceral feel. Now, it is a veryvery slight physical sensation.
New too, is the absence of "lag time" between, say, an experience that saddens me and the actual outward expression of sadness.
When my mother (and I use that term loosely to imply the maternal organism not your average caring, feeling, mother) told me that I could only attend my fathers funeral on the condition that I "watch what I say".... Keep my mouth shut and on safe subjects...it felt like a metaphoric slap in the face, not a real physical one. The hurt and anguish showed on my face and in my tears Instantaneously...there was no delay...no time lapse in thinking about what she meant or how I should feel about such a statement. I was, my emotions and reactions were in real time.
And my mother, true to form, did not give one single solitary shit that I was hurt, that her words injured me. She did not console me, comfort me, nay, take them back. She, as she always has, did not care about me.
Apparently, she thought she could continue to manipulate me into silence, wrongly thinking that I was the same Ol doormat and daughter she could throw under the bus. Nay, I said nay, no fucking way.
As I turned away from her to walk out, it took less than two seconds for me to mentally tell her "no" and to go fuck herself. I chose not to abide by her I'll wishes. I would not go to my fathers funeral and be coerced into silence and continue swimming alongside my former family members down the pirrahna filled, alligator encrusted river of denial. Fuck her.
I did not hide or deny exactly how I felt. I most certainly did not keep my mouth shut and confided in my friend and two favored aunts...not even knowing or prethinking how they would feel about my verbal and emotional outpourings.  I was supported and well received. Very, very cool. I had an outlet in which to pour forth every single feeling I had. I held nothing back, tear nor word.
I am finally free.
I no longer live in my mothers house.
This change in how I handle, perceive and process emotion is spectacular. I think I like it. Still pretty new, must wear it and keep trying it out.
I am nt who I was ten years ago, last year, last month or the week before. I am true transformation in progress. I move forward.