Siblings and the Pivotal Decision

I was talking to a friend of mine, the other day. We were discussing foreign exchange students and could she, one of the strongest people I have ever met, ever leave her country and go live for a year with a strange family in a completely unfamiliar place.

She said that she probably could not.

I did that. Over twenty years ago, I made a critical, life altering decision to leave my family of origin and traveled to a completely foreign place where I knew not another soul.

I decided that I had to stop my abusive, molesting father from coming over during "lunch" to help me "fix" this or that in my new apartment. I felt powerless to stop him.

With but a few dollars, three bags of personal belongings and

a beat-up, rusted car, I left.

I had made the choice to leave my dad...but I also left so much more.

I have over a handful of siblings and even more aunts, uncles and grandparents that I also left.

I choose me....and I knew that my decision was permenant. Once left, I could Never go back.

I've never fully grieved the loss of my siblings, my bestest friends whom I loved dearly and deeply. They liked me. They loved me. And I made the choice to leave them, to save myself in the only way I knew how.

I've really tried so hard not to think about them. The loss was and still is, incrediblly large. My youngest brother was five. They were my allies, constant companions, my only true friends.

I went from a very large family to being completely and utterly alone. I had lost them all and everything I knew and all familiar, in an instant. The sudden aloneness was deafening, oppressive and surreal.

I had never fully grieved the loss.

My tears are odd...very heavy as if they come from a reservoir way, way down, buried deep. I tried to pretend it wasn't there...the sadness, the grief.

I dont know what lies they were told regarding my sudden disappearance. Even now, with a very distant and strained...relationship...if you can call seeing each other at funerals a relationship....I don't know what they think of me....I'm just someone that they used to know.

I want them to know...I've always wanted my siblings to know....they I didn't leave and abandon them....I ran to save myself. And yeah, I do feel some guilt...but it was the only way I could survive.

I don't want them to hate me. It means so much that they understand and know that I love them, even now. I know...I broke their hearts...just as it broke mine.

They looked up to me. I very much loved them.

And now...we sit across the table...miles apart, in silent wonderings.

I have given up, after many futile attempts, the idea that I will ever mean what I once was...to them. And I have to be content with that.

Did I make the right decision? Absolutely.

But I grieve the loss.

I made a decision few ever face

And fewer yet could ever make

I chose me

And I am an extremely remarkable and strong person