My physical body Deserves to be ill due to my bad habits. When I said something to that effect, my doctor gave me one of those looks of pure bewilderment, that made me stop and take notice.
"I said what?....why would I think such an erroneous, misguided thing?"
I somehow got it stuck, in my warped, little brain, that I should be sick because I'm not good enough. To pay for my "sins", if you will, I need to suffer from physical malady. Hmmm. More abused child mentality at play.
At my weekly therapy session, I spent some time talking about my thoughts regarding my very frequent sicknesses. My multi-weekly rapes and assaults from my father put incredible stress on my small body. A lowered immune response is pretty damn normal with that much trauma.
My therapist agreed and said, "You are not to blame for that, either."
I have always, always blamed and castigated myself and my physical body every time I've been ill.
I have felt guilty, lazy, disappointed and downright ashamed of my poor health. I have severely blamed myself for something I felt I should have control over.
In a way, I have perpetuated the cruelty inflicted upon me, by thinking so poorly of myself.
Sigh...
My mother and siblings would blame me when I came down with strep throat or "pinworms" because then they were forced to take the icky medicine. As if I was to blame for my dad forcing me into oral and anal sex.
I felt dirty when I got sick. I blamed myself for not being "hygienic" enough. Lol. In our household, seven people routinely shared the same toothbrush. One towel was used for everyone to dry off with. I took baths with my sisters...in the same bath water we boiled on the stove after my parents and brothers had bathed. I picked "clean" clothes off mold and maggot infested floors to wear to school. I rarely had a nutritious meal and spent a fair amount of time hungry. I heard of fresh fruits and vegetable, but only received frozen peas and cauliflower. And I blamed myself?
My eyes are open and now I see.
I've been mean to my body when I should respect and treat it with great care.
No one ever cared for me when I was sick. I was treated as contagious and sequestered into a room somewhere away from the babies and other kids. It felt like I was being punished. My body felt sick. I needed care and comfort. And I was shut away and shunned. Hmmmm. Damn, that hurts. Wisdom and truth. Tears of truth and realization confirm a lightbulb moment.
God, I've carried this grief for forever.
Trust me..I didn't get sick for the attention. It was all negative. It meant a failure on my part. It meant isolation and ostracism. And I tried so hard to never get sick. I'd blame and hate myself with every ailment.
I'm spending hours apologizing to my body for the mistreatment. I'm working at relieving the guilt I feel. I'm forgiving myself...that's where my thoughts and efforts reside. Sigh
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