Decisions, decisions, decisions. So many decisions to be contemplated and made each day. I want to make responsible choices and do the right thing, not what would be easiest or feels the best. It would feel best to lay down, covers over my head and hide under the bed...but it wouldn't be the responsible thing to do. Can't remember the last time I had hours to unwind, debrief and walk in the woods.
Demands, demands, demands are plastered on every wall and constantly tug at my sleeve...and I cannot escape. So, I'm doing the irresponsible, self-saving thing and self-medicating to a higher degree. I feel, feel, feel, this overbearing, heavy jitters, physical stress running torrents through my body. And I can't get er calmed down. I'm very uncomfortable...beyond discomfort and seeking magic pills, or a magic bean, to grow a stalk, for me to climb away.
Not enough time to dream, fall away and take a break from this grind.
Then, I get these feelings, emotional sensations that don't pertain to the present. Earlier, I felt the panic like I had done something really wrong, in therapy. Logic told me this was my DID, dissociative identity disorder acting up. But I couldn't shake the feeling that I had deeply offended my therapist. Yeah, I ended up leaving her a message to all me....just so I could calm my butt down, stop panicking over something...displaced and from the past. LOL, you have no idea the unthrill of living with DID and trying to maintain a semi, quasi functional life. It's so funny I could cry.
Juggling balls of flame, trying not to get burned.
Sleeping in a noisey, crowded house.
I have demands Inside, as well as Outside. It's nuts.
I know what I need, what will quiet the din...I just can't get it. The good lord knows I'm trying to take care of myself.
I even went off line most of last week. It barely made a small dent in the over activity and feel of the weight of the world on mine shoulders.
A lot of this is being mom, boys in school and such. Started this new family therapy, too. Great idea but about as stressful as a full day with my dysfunctional bio family. I'm like talking to some strange lady, I don't know from Adam, who constantly smiles, laughs loud and I have no idea what she wants, what language she's speaking, what she means by thus and such.
Being Aspie, each NT is like a separate unknown variable, completely unpredictable.
I'm tired. I'm done. I know, leaving mid thought, but I'm tired. Had enough.
Good night
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