I've been running into a number of those "ex-friends" lately. You know, the ones that either ignore you, duck out a back way to avoid running into you, or just pretend there never was a friendship and walk right past. I have to chuckle at how much work and effort some of these xfriends have to go to just to avoid me. I've seen it quite a bit the past couple weeks. Xfriends are everywhere. There must be a gowpen, two handfuls, of people that routinely try and stay away from me.
It's not a bad thing, not a good thing....it's just the way it is and I was analyzing this last night.
One xfriend I hurt with my unintended, naive over worrying state of mind. Shoot, I pretty much insulted her and her family. I overreacted and panicked in a situation where none was needed. That was, as they say, my bad. I made a mistake. Take responsibility. I think I even apologized directly to her...but this might be an "unpardonable sin", a mistake that hurt too deep. I get that....No, I don't. I think any relationship can tolerate honest mistakes....no, it's okay. I see her point. It's her choice. I miss her friendship but I respect her decision. I'm not scum, just a human who messed up. I can forgive myself, even if she can't forgive me.
A couple friendships, I am completely clueless on, I can only guess they came to a place in there lives where I was not needed, pivotal or important, ok.
Another few friends....how to say.....they didn't want to be around me anymore because I reminded them of things they wanted to forget. I've lost friends who were dissociative because they weren't ready to face their own abuse issues. I am so outspoken about the physical and sexual abuse that some people ....it was too much for them. I get that. It was like they were looking in a mirror and unable to deal with the reflection. I understand.
A couple "rescuers" have left, because I didn't need them anymore. They didn't want real friendship, just someone to help. It was very one-sided and not really a relationship, anyway. They filled a void, then left. Ok
Then there is.....the people that liked me, at first, but as they got to know me better, left....didn't like.
Hmmm, not sure if these are real people or if this is one of the myths I carry with me from childhood. "The more someone knows about me....the more they see who I really am....the less they will like me...and leave."
Maybe it's just hard for me to realize some people just don't "click". Some are not meant to be friends or even acquaintances. Sounds so simple. Hmmm, easier to blame my self...or used to be, anyway. I see the err of that old thinking:)
There are people that I have chosen not to hang with. I don't avoid them...I just limit my conversation and keep moving.
There are those I found too abrasive, too full of old angers and vengeance and some who were simply not nice enough to hang with. Personality conflicts, different viewpoints, unpleasantly outspoken, etc. I guess...it's not really such a big deal....recognizing that all people are unequal and different.
Seems like I should cherish more, those who enlighten me and make me smile by their presence in my life.
Yeah, I need to let what doesn't matter go.
I'm not about to start avoiding people. I will not alter my path because of someone else. That's important.
I need to harbor no grudges, not feel bad about mistakes that I have made and bear no ill will to those not with me.
I respect people's right to form and keep their own inner circle, fill it with whom they please.
This really isn't such a big deal. Looks like I've been choosing to make it such.
There is freedom in letting go of things that truly don't matter. This issue is one of them.
Nough said.
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