Outspoken and Loud, are two words that can be used to describe my certain accent these days. It's another one of those ying/ yang thingys. There are good aspects and bad.
Oh, and I should add crabby, to the mix. Pain makes me much irritable and I have a toothache. Saw the dentist today, and he proceeded to discover the source of pain. It's a good thing he stood a step back or I would have grabbed him, twisted and asked Him, "Now does it hurt there?" I was positively livid and enraged with pain by the time I got home. Eldest was hanging around and I yelped a warning to him to stay away from me until the pain meds kick in. It was that ferocious. I just wanted to beat the crap out of something. Anyway, I'm full of drugs, but not enough to lose lucidity.....need more:)
I've been in an extremely verbal "phase". If you don't want to hear what I think, don't ask, because I will say exactly how I feel. This is new stuff for me. Not sure if it's progress or due to therapy or just getting in touch with some deeper, dark aspects of myself I've kept hidden away.
I've been looking at the volume of friends and acquaintances that have come and gone. There are probably a dozen peoples that no longer speak to me anymore or who ignore me. And that was when I was trying so damn hard to be super nice. So I figure, what the hell. I can't make things worse by being loud and outspoken.
It's interesting....a couple people I know...have actually shared more about themselves with my bluntness out in the open. Can't figure that one out. It's like...they are attracted to it, like moths to a flame....or they somehow...trust? me more?
Yup, I have definitely pissed some people's off. I joined an Aspie support group online. Wrong group for me, as it was a bunch of whiny nt parents trying to force their kids into normalacy. I really spoke out there. Then figured it was a lost cause that just made me angry. So I dropped out to save myself from the backward and stupid. I can't handle stupid very well.
Yikes, now you see where I'm at these days. I'm just done playing games. I am more in touch with how I genuinely feel about things. And I am acutely aware of how much I have been hurt and trompelled on.
Speaking of Pain
I've been getting in touch with some of that old, stored up pain. You know, the kind wrapped up tight and hidden in the farthest corners of my mind. Yeah, life has been that good. The best description I have of it...it's like being set on fire and forced through a meat grinder. I have lots of that.
The other thing I realized.....you have to verbally tell someone you are in pain, and to what level, in order to get some relief. With this neck pain, which has improved greatly via acupuncture....if I wasn't able to somewhat accurately describe its intensity, I would....well, I was for awhile, left in great discomfort, because I couldn't find the right words to explain its intensity and duration.
Pain is one of those abstract thingys, that autistics can have trouble grasping and identifying.....describing to others how one feels. How do I know if my pain is a 1 or a 10? Sharp, intermittent, dull and achy, intense, overpowering? When I reach the teary point...it's gone too far. But I don't know the point or two before tears.
It reminds me of hunger. Too often I ignore low degrees of hunger and frequently, suddenly, realize I am ravenous and have to quickly eat whatever is available. See...I ignore low intensity...sensations, so big, overwhelming sensations throw me off. Hunger and pain, when not addressed early enough, can be very distressing and annoying, tough to get back under control.
I'm learning what level of pain requires what amount of meds and intervention. It's a necessary botherment. Self-care is quite a process for this autistic.
Ughughugh.
On the upside, my boys find me quite fun, amusing, daring and unpredictable. A couple of times we have engaged in loud, obnoxious jungle animal noises that were positively hilarious. I say some...hmmm...non traditional mom stuff. I can be...politically incorrect but temper it around Younglink. We have definitely been definitely been having a lot more spontaneous fun....tickle fights and weird noise fests. It's been real.
Anyway, lots shaking in my small corner of the galaxy.
I hope you are well:)
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