What am I afraid of?
Food....that can cause allergic reactions
Air....for the same reason
Water....but only the deep kind. I cannot swim.
People, but only men, women and children...they might hit me, trigger memories, make me feel stupid, make fun of me, confuse and befuddle me
Airplanes, but only if they crash or fly low enough that I think they might crash into me
Cold rain and not being warm enough
Deep snow, what if my feet get wet and fall off? What if I don't have the energy to get home? What f I fall down and no one comes to find me?
ABANDONMENT
If I hid behind the curtain, feet sticking out, would anyone come looking?
Traveling, what if I can't find my way back home? What if I return home and no one realizes I was gone?
VALUE
Do I have any? I mean, as a child my value was in being a sex slave. Sometimes I think my genitals disappeared (seriously, they have, lichen sclerosus, look it up, ain't pretty) to save themselves...or they were just so damaged they couldn't stand the thought of sex ever again.
MY BODY
Not gonna go there right now
Off track...
What do I fear? Hmmm, seems like just about everything. Welcome to my crazy, fucked up world. Shit, no wonder people avoid me...I show up at their door carrying dead flowers.
and lots and lots of old, dirty smelling baggage.
I fear
Animals, any animals with teeth, might bite me
Dying, never knowing my potential
Living
My greatest fear...never being anything more than my past.....never finding a shred of self-worth....never realizing that I am this precious gift to be beholden, loved and admired.....that this continuos fight and struggle was for naught.....that I will never find out who I am under these layers of hurt and walls of defenses....that I will die stuck in this concretion......that people, who I allow, to see inside, run away screaming.....
I can't let the past win
I can't allow my previous experiences to greatly and tragically effect my present
Somehow, someway, I need to break out of this prison
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