Mostly, I live surrounded and actively engaged in the fears of my past. I spend my days avoiding pain, overstimulation and stress. My past haunts me. My experiences have created patterns of anxiety and fear.
When I'm not avoiding, I'm building defenses, walls, veils and false images. I'm pushpush pushing people away.
I'm a wounded animal.
I'm a terrorized frightened child. I'm a target, a thing to be hit. I'm invisible, my thoughts and wants don't matter. I am empty and despondent. My hands are open and alone at my sides.
My sadness runs deep and just under the surface.
Fear is the name of my jailer.
Walking barefoot at night. Quiet among the trees. Nothing hidden, nothing gained.
They say you can only truly discover who you are when alone....I say partially true. For I have spent so long alone, I have become lost within, shaped by preconceived notions and past experiences branded upon me.
I rarely leave my past. My feet glued to a most familiar floor. But the present holds little promise. I live a life compromised. But the chameleon is happy for bountiful flies.
Hmmm, the present scares me more tan the past? Methinks I have fallen prey to a most uncomfortable, disastrous pattern.
I have become to familiar with the safety of inertia. I anticipate moving forward with anxiety....when forward is where I'd really like to go.
It's time to hang up this old worn out coat. It's stifled me long enough.
I awake each morn with bountiful fear and preanticipatory anxiety.....maybe it's time to change that.
I've looked at life as an evil taskmaster, always waiting for the next painful blow. The other shoe is always halfway to dropping. I fill my glass knowing someone will surely knock it over. I put on one sock and grab the other before someone steals it.
You see, my past is anything but behind me....I'm choosing to feed and nurture it in this present. I'm choosing the words, beliefs and crimes of my parents over .....reality? Moving forward? Getting mentally healthy?
Something to think about
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